What dubious explanation can be found for my crime?
What doubtful harness holds the reins of our friendship:
Tattered, Torn, Dust-covered and threadbare,
Waiting for hands to hold it, if not in kindness,
Than in a stern resolute of will?
What malignancy holds you captive,
Afar beyond the reach of my prostrate repentance?
I beg of you, do me justice;
relieve me of this restless wonder that twists my heart in pain.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
A letter to an old friend..
For years, I've sat in darkness, waiting for a reason why I no longer have the comfort of my friend, the inspiration of her ideas and exuberance of her energy. Sisters we were in action and thought, in strength and love; I held you to highest esteem.
I cannot guess at the reason for the severity of my punishment.
I can only mention the grievances I may have caused you; perhaps you can point to one and our memories, while diverse in feeling, may cross in experience. I shall explain my reason behind each and maybe you may find that I was not acting out of cruelty (as maybe you suspect?)
1. Your suspicion/experience of Shannon going after Steve.
-Perhaps I didn't provide the support you needed at this point. I did talk to Shannon about it, and she said she was in love with Chris, as she always was. Perhaps you needed me to back you in this with more vigor, and I failed. Forgive me for falling into the position of a friend stuck between two friends. You were the friend I held in higher esteem.
2. Perhaps someone told you I thought you lied? When I was younger, I was quite paranoid. As much as I loved you, I suspected that sometimes you lied to me about why you couldn't see me, or what you were doing, or who you were with. There was much about you that was hidden even to me, close as I was to you. I could only reach so far and understand so much. I didn't talk of my doubts to many, but I suppose they might have fallen ill upon your ears. Forgive me for this, I'm now on Prozac that all but cures paranoia and anger.
3. I hadn't seen you in awhile, and I came to your house. I left quickly b/c you were high and talking about aliens. I was frustrated because I needed a heart to heart. I was being selfish and unreasonable. Instead of enjoying my time with my friend, and seeing where the conversation ended up, I left. Forgive me for this, I was young and foolish.
4. Not being there for you when you lived in Chance's house.
-I don't know how much you needed me at this time. It seemed we were in different worlds. I much resented the people who held you there, although I realize now you acted of your own free will. I wanted to be a part of your life but I couldn't find a place where I might fit. Drugs didn't agree with me, and I was intimidated by the artists that you lived with. I was afraid I wasn't the artist that they were and I would seem to them to be inferior. I'm sorry if you needed me and I wasn't there. I wasn't sure how to reach you (metaphorically).
5. One time you and Steve were waiting at Jason and my house.
I'm sorry if I treated you less than kind that day. I was moody and Jason and I were fighting. He didn't like the fact that you two showed up. Of course in my heart you were always welcome. Things differ when you are in a relationship, and you are young. You make mistakes with your friends. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad at any point.
These are my lists of grievances against you as I remember them. Perhaps you can point to one and say that it is my crime; that it is the reason you stayed so far away from me in heart and mind all these years. Perhaps you can shed some light.
If it is for another reason than these, then I truly do not know it. Perhaps its not even real. Please talk to me and tell me what was the poisoned arrow that pierced your lovely heart.
Yours,
Jenny
I cannot guess at the reason for the severity of my punishment.
I can only mention the grievances I may have caused you; perhaps you can point to one and our memories, while diverse in feeling, may cross in experience. I shall explain my reason behind each and maybe you may find that I was not acting out of cruelty (as maybe you suspect?)
1. Your suspicion/experience of Shannon going after Steve.
-Perhaps I didn't provide the support you needed at this point. I did talk to Shannon about it, and she said she was in love with Chris, as she always was. Perhaps you needed me to back you in this with more vigor, and I failed. Forgive me for falling into the position of a friend stuck between two friends. You were the friend I held in higher esteem.
2. Perhaps someone told you I thought you lied? When I was younger, I was quite paranoid. As much as I loved you, I suspected that sometimes you lied to me about why you couldn't see me, or what you were doing, or who you were with. There was much about you that was hidden even to me, close as I was to you. I could only reach so far and understand so much. I didn't talk of my doubts to many, but I suppose they might have fallen ill upon your ears. Forgive me for this, I'm now on Prozac that all but cures paranoia and anger.
3. I hadn't seen you in awhile, and I came to your house. I left quickly b/c you were high and talking about aliens. I was frustrated because I needed a heart to heart. I was being selfish and unreasonable. Instead of enjoying my time with my friend, and seeing where the conversation ended up, I left. Forgive me for this, I was young and foolish.
4. Not being there for you when you lived in Chance's house.
-I don't know how much you needed me at this time. It seemed we were in different worlds. I much resented the people who held you there, although I realize now you acted of your own free will. I wanted to be a part of your life but I couldn't find a place where I might fit. Drugs didn't agree with me, and I was intimidated by the artists that you lived with. I was afraid I wasn't the artist that they were and I would seem to them to be inferior. I'm sorry if you needed me and I wasn't there. I wasn't sure how to reach you (metaphorically).
5. One time you and Steve were waiting at Jason and my house.
I'm sorry if I treated you less than kind that day. I was moody and Jason and I were fighting. He didn't like the fact that you two showed up. Of course in my heart you were always welcome. Things differ when you are in a relationship, and you are young. You make mistakes with your friends. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad at any point.
These are my lists of grievances against you as I remember them. Perhaps you can point to one and say that it is my crime; that it is the reason you stayed so far away from me in heart and mind all these years. Perhaps you can shed some light.
If it is for another reason than these, then I truly do not know it. Perhaps its not even real. Please talk to me and tell me what was the poisoned arrow that pierced your lovely heart.
Yours,
Jenny
Thoughts
Charlotte. I think this is the name of my daughter. I was interested in Madeline, mostly for the shortened name Maddy. However I think Charlotte has a beautiful southern ring to it. And I could pay homage to my roots, and Charlotte Bronte.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
weirdest dream..
I dreamt I was controlling what was coming on a picture box. I made an animated video of thoughts in my head. Then I taught someone else to do it also.
Why are we not at the point where we can think and have it manifest?
Why are we not at the point where we can think and have it manifest?
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Update and such.
So seddy finally gave me her blog site. I'm the second person she's given it to. OMG she's so lucky. She is currently living out just about all of my fantasies. I'm really happy for her...she seems so happy also.
I had a dream last night..weirdest dream..strange things were happening..One I was drunk and on a chair...skirting rooftops trying to find a way down..I lost my camera and my ipod to the dark abyss of night sky below me.
Tolga and I were trying to catch a train in turkey..we threw all our stuff off of the train and couldn't find it..finally we were in these underground shops and I saw most of my stuff..
Turgay was living at Shannon and Chris's..I had to convince him to come back home..
I was dating this dude..I don't even know who he was..everyone was drunk at a party..we were all in our undies and giving kisses to each other, it was lovely..my bf didn't mind. Then Joe Stark picked me up and spun me around a few times,..and accidentally dropped me off of the balcony..I felt myself spin in the air and I landed on all fours, but BF was pissed. He took a sledgehammer and hit Joe in the face and he landed on a curb; his teeth fell out. I had to go and tell the police what happened.
I was in Walgreens shopping for clothes and Rebecca was there. A lady and I had a conversation about how nice the workers and customers were. I made a comment that most of the customers are repeat customers; it's like a family.
I was in biology lab. The girl next to me turned to the boy across from me and told him an answer. I was in between. Teacher's aid saw. The teacher came to punish us. The girl got put in an oven for punishment..it wasn't hot..but she had to stay in it. He erased our tests and gave us impossible ones. I had to find an atom in a bowl of soup. I gave up and left.
I was at a skating ring. Stephanie was there. The ring had different rooms, like rock room, cheese room, techno room, etc. We went in the cheese room and watched these 7 black girls do a routine that was out of this world. They were so athletic. I asked her to show me all the other rooms.
They were all empty. Then I woke up.
I started telling my sister about my dreams. She says I have the craziest dreams.
I had a dream last night..weirdest dream..strange things were happening..One I was drunk and on a chair...skirting rooftops trying to find a way down..I lost my camera and my ipod to the dark abyss of night sky below me.
Tolga and I were trying to catch a train in turkey..we threw all our stuff off of the train and couldn't find it..finally we were in these underground shops and I saw most of my stuff..
Turgay was living at Shannon and Chris's..I had to convince him to come back home..
I was dating this dude..I don't even know who he was..everyone was drunk at a party..we were all in our undies and giving kisses to each other, it was lovely..my bf didn't mind. Then Joe Stark picked me up and spun me around a few times,..and accidentally dropped me off of the balcony..I felt myself spin in the air and I landed on all fours, but BF was pissed. He took a sledgehammer and hit Joe in the face and he landed on a curb; his teeth fell out. I had to go and tell the police what happened.
I was in Walgreens shopping for clothes and Rebecca was there. A lady and I had a conversation about how nice the workers and customers were. I made a comment that most of the customers are repeat customers; it's like a family.
I was in biology lab. The girl next to me turned to the boy across from me and told him an answer. I was in between. Teacher's aid saw. The teacher came to punish us. The girl got put in an oven for punishment..it wasn't hot..but she had to stay in it. He erased our tests and gave us impossible ones. I had to find an atom in a bowl of soup. I gave up and left.
I was at a skating ring. Stephanie was there. The ring had different rooms, like rock room, cheese room, techno room, etc. We went in the cheese room and watched these 7 black girls do a routine that was out of this world. They were so athletic. I asked her to show me all the other rooms.
They were all empty. Then I woke up.
I started telling my sister about my dreams. She says I have the craziest dreams.
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