I sit outside on my porch with my taser. 1.8 million volts. I'd rather have a gun. There is a glock in the house but I don't know how to use it. When I get my loans in I'm either getting a min rueger or something in the 9 mm range.
Today another part of my bumper fell off. I hit like 15 4 foot potholes going about 5. But I guess that's what it's for right? To bump things.
Almost done with The Diamond Age by Neal Stephenson. These weeks are flying by. I have to finish some school work that's incomplete from last semester.
Someone hacked into Call of Duty 4 tonight and now it's unplayable. Not right. Tomorrow I fix hopefully.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Sanctuary
I turned away from his side of the bed, clenching my pillow between my legs.
A long time later he comes to bed and wakes me. I stare at him over satin sheets in anger.
Morning came, I wrap my arm around his sleeping body, curled up pharaoh-like in the sheets.
We come together hours later on the brick porch for cigarettes, me with my camels and he with his reds.
"I'm sorry for being angry," I start. "I wanted to make love, but you never came."
Smoke curls around his upper lip as he exhales into his answer.
"I can't read your mind. Why didn't you just tell me?"
I pause.
"I wanted to be classy."
* * * * *
Later on that day he says thanks when he means I'm no help at all.
A long time later he comes to bed and wakes me. I stare at him over satin sheets in anger.
Morning came, I wrap my arm around his sleeping body, curled up pharaoh-like in the sheets.
We come together hours later on the brick porch for cigarettes, me with my camels and he with his reds.
"I'm sorry for being angry," I start. "I wanted to make love, but you never came."
Smoke curls around his upper lip as he exhales into his answer.
"I can't read your mind. Why didn't you just tell me?"
I pause.
"I wanted to be classy."
* * * * *
Later on that day he says thanks when he means I'm no help at all.
Afternoon from my bed.
When I look through the window
it seems as if
the fan's wind blows straight through the trees
and afternoon sunlight orchestrates
a shadow play
behind closed eyelids.
It's as if I am caught in a private exchange
light and wind
and I, in soft sheets
wrapped in sinewy cloths of imagination.
The silent things we do not witness
as we aren't around to look
fills the basin larger than anything
we could add.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
He said that almost every one that he wrote
he wrote for/about me.
- Jul 29, 2006
I found her dying in the snow, her last words reflecting hurt I could never say. In the moonlight I remember when the angel call my name. The killers were coming I knew there was a chance to die again. Like the season raped and bleeding, in time we'll see each other again. She said I don't want this to end, not like this, not with out a kiss, not with out a song from out of the gray. Only in a dream will the sun kill the moon, only through faith will tender love be consume. Another season I found her crying in the rain, if you love say love, but never forget your pain.
End of Days
5 weeks in a box. in a cast. no in a box. 3 weeks in a cast. a month sick with a week's reprise. nothing done. forward movement escapes me. I watch myself function through a mirror. I watch myself reflected. I see my smile; I'm smart enough to play off my reactions, smart enough to give just enough to each person to keep them from thinking I've lost it. I haven't lost it. I never had it. Every moment in life is just a motion that I could have chosen to make differently. Each a section of a play I could have written to change, but still written. NO5THING IS REAL.
nothing is real. A wandering man is never truly happy. I could stop here, or there, or here, or here, or there, or now, or then, or soon, or never, or never, or never, I could start here, or there, or here, or now, or never. or ever. It makes no difference. Each is a still-walk through a motion that I watch through a reflected shield of glass. I stumble and try to live so that no one will bother me. So that no one will bother me. So that no one will bother me. I'm a juggler, I juggle so that no one will bother me. Integrity means nothing. Love means nothing. Hurt is real and so is escape. I avoid hope and live for small moments of pleasure. I am less than the animal. I am already dead.
Things I will do soon. Find a job, so that no one bothers me. Escape or Continue this relationship, depending on how much hurt/bothersome action is involved. Continue or Discontinue another relationship, depending on how much bothersome action is involved. Finish school very late, minimal action. I may get caught up again in it, to the point where I forget about the motions..those are the best times b/c I can act without knowing I'm acting.
I don't want to die. There is nothing to live for except the next scene, because I'm here and there isn't anything else to do.
Cue Action.
nothing is real. A wandering man is never truly happy. I could stop here, or there, or here, or here, or there, or now, or then, or soon, or never, or never, or never, I could start here, or there, or here, or now, or never. or ever. It makes no difference. Each is a still-walk through a motion that I watch through a reflected shield of glass. I stumble and try to live so that no one will bother me. So that no one will bother me. So that no one will bother me. I'm a juggler, I juggle so that no one will bother me. Integrity means nothing. Love means nothing. Hurt is real and so is escape. I avoid hope and live for small moments of pleasure. I am less than the animal. I am already dead.
Things I will do soon. Find a job, so that no one bothers me. Escape or Continue this relationship, depending on how much hurt/bothersome action is involved. Continue or Discontinue another relationship, depending on how much bothersome action is involved. Finish school very late, minimal action. I may get caught up again in it, to the point where I forget about the motions..those are the best times b/c I can act without knowing I'm acting.
I don't want to die. There is nothing to live for except the next scene, because I'm here and there isn't anything else to do.
Cue Action.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Update?
Nothing nothingnothingnothing. Having a broken ankle is not so fun. School is driving me insane..I'm not going and I may fail this stupid programming class...my teacher won't write me back. Scott defriended me on facebook and kicked Shaina out of class like an ass. He chose his side.
Nothingnothing nothingnothing nothing.
I owe the fucking UNO 847 dollars for dropping classes. That means as soon as this cast is off I'm working my ass off.
Fun fun nothingnothingnothing. I'm in love with Ivana. What else is new right.
Nothingnothing nothingnothing nothing.
I owe the fucking UNO 847 dollars for dropping classes. That means as soon as this cast is off I'm working my ass off.
Fun fun nothingnothingnothing. I'm in love with Ivana. What else is new right.
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