You and I were spinning
(Was I spinning?)
I reached out my arms, bare and long
white and cold, to touch you
but just out of my reach
you spun away.
And perhaps the thought of an experience
is better than the experience,
once it happens,
I cannot take it back
and it wasn't like it was in my dreams.
It was orange
and pink
and red and brown.
Marks fell around me
and onto my arms.
I wanted you to pull me out of myself
instead we danced and
nothing happened.
less awareness was my intention
but without cooperation I cannot feel myself.
And still you wanted to sit in my car
and talk, and talk while the sun rose.
You never realized there aren't words to say,
I had to kick you out, make you leave, have you see that
I am nothing
and I am just a girl who feel from the sky.
who needed to break with you
but you insisted on breaking my fall
and now I see you for who you are
a Gentleman-boy.
I think someone forgot to tell you
that in order to love
you have to break with another.

I want to go to Seychelle

It looks so oooo peaceful there. Some hippies just bought a house on the ocean, like in the ocean almost, and it pisses me off because they have rich parents. otherwise they'd be broke like me.

Everything is making me mad today, and I have to take a taxi in the morning, which I hate. I have to drive my stpuid stupid car tomorrow to take two finals which I hate. I just want to sleep and drink tea.

I can't wait till tomorrow is over. I am also sick and everything Matt says is making me insane.

ARAGAGGGAGGG

Sometimes when you win, you lose.

you can't win,
Not against the odds
Not with the odds
Not by balancing
You can't win
You can only ignore
Turn around,
walk away.
Never fight, don't fight.
Fighting requires surrender of a party
And one time that surrender will be yours.
You can't win
Not with others
Lock yourself in your room
Send yourself to a field
Take a journey.
Don't talk
Don't drink
Don't self medicate.
Take a walk
Never say a word
You can't win.

Stupid horror thing I wrote

                                                                      “Snap Crackle Pop”

“What are you doing?” Madison reached down and grabbed me by the hair, dancing away from the fire. My eyes reflected gold and silver with the moon and were huge and ravenous. “Eating” I said.  I took a bite.  Blood ran down my chin and Madison screamed. “What did you think was going to happen bitch? I told you to run. Did you think I was fucking playin’?”

She took off this time. I watched her disappear into the ravine. Fuck it. I thought. I’ll deal with that cunt later. It had been a day now since they had stopped here, lost. I was getting tired of playing with her. The first day we pretended to be normal, it was more fun that way. By the second I got bored and let Rob start to have some fun.  Madison was mine and the other one was his. Stretching, I reached out and scratched Mange, my cat. “Good kitty! That’s a good kitty.” Mange purred. I cast my eyes lazily toward the cabin, propped up on one elbow.  A chainsaw started from within. Ah,Rob must have started. A scream pierced the still night air. Yep. I chuckled, standing up.  I smiled into the light of the fire and headed to the cabin.

I stood in the open doorway, the night air cool on my back. “Maggie! We gonna play tonight!” Rob roared happily, slapping his hands on his thighs. The girl looked at me terrified. She was hanging over a wooden rafter Rob had built. Her hands were chained at the wrist and she was missing a foot. Rob had wrapped a white towel around it. Blood dripped from the towel to the floor. “You might wanna rewrap that honey or she won’t be much fun tonight.”

 Rob started the chainsaw and ran it close to the bloody nub. The girl screamed in terror. “Oh I’m just jokin’ you big scardy cat!” he chuckled. “This one don’t have no guts.” He put down the chainsaw and picked up a towel out of a basket. He taped it around the space where her foot was. “All better” he announced.

I smiled at him and he asked where the other girl was. I told him about her run down the ravine. “Eh,” he said, “She’s not going anywhere. She’ll just end up back here like the other one. Ain’t nowhere to go.”

I nodded.  All roads lead to here. Impassible sea cliffs on all sides but here.  Chain fences, the works.  Our home sweet home. But I was getting impatient.  It was time to have some fun.

“Unchain her. I wanna see her better.”

Rob grunted and picked up the keys. He lifted her over the rafter and held her in his arms. “Where you want me to put her?”

“In the bed.”

He grinned. “Alright.”

I got closer and sat in a chair next to our bed. Everything was in one room, a one room cabin. Nice and cozy, me and Rob’s piece of heaven.  And now we had a plaything for dinner. I reached out to touch her hair. Nice, red and thick and wavy, natural. Not like mine. Rob called these ones the Devil’s cunts. I secretly thought they were more like fiery taffy, sweet and tough, but sweet still the same. Them blondes were the worst, they passed out right at the start. The redheads though, I liked to keep them around. They taste sweet too. I played with a curl. Been about a month since I’d had a plaything. People got lost on the road. Wrong turn and they ended up here from time to time. Once they were here…well,  end of the line.

I smiled at her. “Darlin. What’s your name?”

She just stared at me with those big brown eyes.  Like she couldn’t talk or something. I wondered for a second if Rob had already cut out her tongue.  I’d be pissed if he had; that’s the best part.

I slapped her across the face, and her mouth hung open, lip split with blood. Nope. Tongue still there. Just scared shitless.

“I asked you your name girl.”

“Mary.” She whispered.

“Mary. That’s nice. Like the virgin.”  I smiled at her warmly. “You a virgin?”

“No..oo..o” she stuttered.

“Well just that much better for you girl cause we gonna have some fun tonight!” I hollered at Rob to bring the whiskey.  He stumbled across the room, hollerin to himself in glee.

“What are you gonna do to me?” she whispered.

“Shhhh..shhhh.” I said, soothingly. “It’ll be better for you if you are drunk.” I whispered back.

Rob handed me the whiskey. I took the bottle and held it up to her lips. She stared at me wide-eyed as I poured the alcohol down her throat. 

“That’s a girl.”

I took a few swigs myself and stretched back in the chair.

“Whatcha wanna do tonight?” Rob asked me.

“I dunno. I’m thinkin about it. Sure is sweet this one.”

“Devil’s cunt.” Rob muttered.

“Don’t you listen to him.” I said. “He’s just grouchy cause he wants me to hurt you some. Don’t you Robbie.”

“Yep.. Do something, shit! You just gonna sit there or we gonna have some fun?” He grumbled.

“Fun.” I said grinning.

I popped my neck with one hand. “Bring me the Silver Steed” I told Ron. “YaHoo!” Rob yelped and ran to my service. He handed me the silver scalpel and I slid it under her dress, cutting it open. Her breasts fell out on either side.  “No bra?” I chuckled. “Naughty one Rob!” My eyes danced over her body…. and a little cut.

“Ow! “ she screamed.  A sliver of red blood formed above her nipple and slid down the curve of her breast.  “Oh that ain’t nothin’” I said. I cut myself on the arm with the scalpel, same as her cut. “See?”  I offered my arm to Ron and he licked the blood off. “You’re crazy.” she whispered. I grinned.  “Now I’m gonna do you.”  I leaned over her and licked the blood, following the curve of her breast up to her nipple. I sucked on it a little. Taffy. So sweet, but…too sweet. It made my head spin.

 Mary trembled beneath me and I suddenly felt like I might be ill from her taste. I stared into her eyes and she stared back. Those eyes……Who is she? Is she….? I remembered a sister I had once with similar eyes, but she was long dead. Rob had killed her when he found me. Only needed one of us, he said. I was smaller and easier to drag along. For the first time in a long time I felt something akin to grief. It made me shiver.

I jumped up off her. “Rob, she’s all yours.”

“Really? What the fuck Maggie you just started.”

“Not in the mood.”  I called out, already walking out the door.  I walked down to the dying fire and threw another log on.  I looked out over the ravine, and howled.  I let the grief out.  It echoed through the night.  Then the loudest scream came from the cabin, cutting my howl in half. He musta done her in, I thought. Already?  So soon. She must have passed out. That always makes him mad. He’ll be wantin sex soon. I sighed and poked a stick in the fire.

Mange rubbed against me. She had a human foot bone in her teeth. “Such a pretty kitty” I called down to her.

I kicked a rock down the ravine and turned to go inside. Inside was a mess. He had spread her body, what was left of it, out on the bed like a gutted animal and was gesturing to me to come and join him.  “You are lying on our food” I told him.

 He pulled me down into her skin. It was warm. So was he. They both warmed me, the girl-who-wasn’t-my-sister and Rob. He was big and dirty and rough.  Grabbin my hair he twisted my around on my back, pullin me on my knees. He took me like that, wrapped up in her guts and blood. I kicked a bone off of the bed onto the floor. It made me angry to see her like that. Same as my sister.  I had forgotten.

“Fuck look at this mess!” I screamed into the cabin. He just grinned at me and licked the blood off his arm. “Fuck you!” I screamed at him.

 I stormed out into the night. I thought about the girl down in the ravine. All roads lead to here. I thought about leaving. There was nowhere to go. I stretched and picked up Mange. I looked into her bright orange eyes, then I grabbed her by the tail and threw her down the ravine.  She’d be back. There was nowhere to go. Then I turned back to the cabin and went to help Rob cook. There was a lot to do before Madison came back.  I would be seein both her and Mange again real soon.

Tapped in.

I'm getting a bit tired of being wired into everything all the time. I want to go off the chart, incognito and explore. I would be there already but I'm a social person and I need a partner here.

I'm such a fucking nerd man. Some people will never be cool. I will never be cool. I care too much.

Secret Society in Smaller Lies at the Circle Bar.

I was supposed to be home at like 12. Yeah right. I think around 6 or 7 am when the 17 year old girl Jett was crying on my porch, Joe was crashed in my bed, and Tony and I were still drinking on the porch, I realized that my plans has been blown to the wind. Fun times though; great friends :D

   Jen Tem           

                                                                           “Waterfalls”

     

     Ron is 31 years old and he is going to die. There will be flowers and food and black and white snapshots, tears; and I will be there with a poem and some words that won’t matter to anyone but me.  I can tell them I know how he likes his sandwich. Roast beef, mayo and lettuce.  Should I say he likes white women and noses?  I can tell them that he loved rock and Goth and wrote poetry.  I can say sweet things and no one will listen because he was the one who listened. Listened and---- there is a song inside me that sings when I’m around him. It starts off as a slow melody and violently peaks and dips and hugs the curves of the scales that play. Hear that Crescendo!  From time to time it finds its way off of the page and leaps and bounds happily into the memories that are ours. Sometimes it dips so low that it hurts me in deep places. It is a song for soul mates, and Ron is mine.

   When I was 17 I saw his feet pass by 11 times. I counted. They were in shoes that were black and red and had lighting strikes caught in plastic and rubber. I never thought to look up, only wondered at the shoes that passed back and forth in front of me. I wondered if the owner was aware that his Docs were incredibly cool. They looked like shoes that knew they were cool.  Once upon a time they stopped moving, and I looked up. I found myself. I knew his fears were my fears and I wrote them in blood on my heart.

   Then it was our time to bleed.  His mother was gone, and his father was drinking; his father was crashing; his father was screaming and twisting and sleeping on the street. His father was raping and cursing and crying out to God to save him from himself. His father was gone, so quietly that I never saw the storm at my back. Then my father was gone, and we were swept away in the downpour.

    Like a hurricane our lives changed, and we were holding onto each other on a raft in a great sea.  I couldn’t see and he couldn’t see. We stabbed each other in the dark at night when visitors came to feed off our rations. We held each other in the dark of night when we were the only ones left. We were empty and clung to each other, like callous shells stuck together by habit, not choice. I couldn’t love anymore and I had nothing to give. He was dead and I was dying. I was drowning and I thought we would hold each other’s heads under water until we both stopped breathing. I was all he had, and I tried to die.  He held my head out of the water and I woke up gasping for air in a bar with florescent lights aglow and naked men’s smiles that I thought meant ESCAPE. They really were Death. We held hands and I sobbed and he put me on a plane and I left the man who saved me.

   When I came back I learned of his suffering. The suffering he did without me. I learned about the drug raids and the murder and the life he had to live. I learned about the hospitals and the kidney failure and the four tubes they drilled in his neck to make him live. He told me about the white girls who popped pills and sucked his dick so he could die.  He told me about his deaths; there were two of them.  One when I left and one when he realized what he had become without me.  I cried and died and then it was time to live. But there was a day when we drove in the car and we passed a field of wildflowers. He told me where to find him in heaven.

    “How will I know where to look for you, Ron?”

    “I’ll be in a cave like a hermit; a wise hermit, behind a waterfall.”

    “What if I can’t find you?” He smiled and held my chin.

    “I know where you will be, under the willow tree, my sweet angel.”

 

   I felt then for the first time that nothing lasts. Then the years passed and he watched and I grew and I flew and just yesterday he finally told me I was safe.  And then there is today. And today is spinal taps and tubes in his throat and not being able to walk ever again. “1 in 3 chance” the text messages say and I pause and wait and try to think what to say but there is nothing to say, nothing to say.

     “I’ll bring you burritos” I say,

    “And sugar-free cookies?” he adds.

   Of course love. Of course.  And I’ll call your sister who threatened my life and who said I’m no sister of yours, because it’s hard to understand what it means to have a soul mate. But because I can’t be the only one to love him, I’ll call. Onions of layers of years of love, and only me to give them. I’ll peel them back. I’ll find the center, I’ll let you bite. I’ll give you what I have to give and it won’t be enough. There is not enough time. And we pray for vibrancy but the world is now dull and we live in slowed heartbeats of moments in color. Our hands touch and the nurse turns away from the black and white and we become something else behind her back; something floating and colorless.  We sail and dance and I kiss him goodbye. It is silent and bright outside and I must go on.  One day it will be time to search for caves beyond waterfalls, but not today.

   And the simple truth is: I have lived because of Ron. I have lived because of him.