Thursday, March 24th

The day reality collapsed for me.

He said that almost every one that he wrote

he wrote for/about me.

• Jul 29, 2006

another season

I found her dying in the snow, her last words reflecting hurt I could never say. In the moonlight I remember when the angel call my name. The killers were coming I knew there was a chance to die again. Like the season raped and bleeding, in time we'll see each other again. She said I don't want this to end, not like this, not with out a kiss, not with out a song from out of the gray. Only in a dream will the sun kill the moon, only through faith will tender love be consume. Another season I found her crying in the rain, if you love say love, but never forget your pain.

End of Days

5 weeks in a box. in a cast. no in a box. 3 weeks in a cast. a month sick with a week's reprise. nothing done. forward movement escapes me. I watch myself function through a mirror. I watch myself reflected. I see my smile; I'm smart enough to play off my reactions, smart enough to give just enough to each person to keep them from thinking I've lost it. I haven't lost it. I never had it. Every moment in life is just a motion that I could have chosen to make differently. Each a section of a play I could have written to change, but still written. NO5THING IS REAL.

nothing is real. A wandering man is never truly happy. I could stop here, or there, or here, or here, or there, or now, or then, or soon, or never, or never, or never, I could start here, or there, or here, or now, or never. or ever. It makes no difference. Each is a still-walk through a motion that I watch through a reflected shield of glass. I stumble and try to live so that no one will bother me. So that no one will bother me. So that no one will bother me. I'm a juggler, I juggle so that no one will bother me. Integrity means nothing. Love means nothing. Hurt is real and so is escape. I avoid hope and live for small moments of pleasure. I am less than the animal. I am already dead.

Things I will do soon. Find a job, so that no one bothers me. Escape or Continue this relationship, depending on how much hurt/bothersome action is involved. Continue or Discontinue another relationship, depending on how much bothersome action is involved. Finish school very late, minimal action. I may get caught up again in it, to the point where I forget about the motions..those are the best times b/c I can act without knowing I'm acting.

I don't want to die. There is nothing to live for except the next scene, because I'm here and there isn't anything else to do.

Cue Action.

Update?

Nothing nothingnothingnothing. Having a broken ankle is not so fun. School is driving me insane..I'm not going and I may fail this stupid programming class...my teacher won't write me back. Scott defriended me on facebook and kicked Shaina out of class like an ass. He chose his side.

Nothingnothing nothingnothing nothing.

I owe the fucking UNO 847 dollars for dropping classes. That means as soon as this cast is off I'm working my ass off.

Fun fun nothingnothingnothing. I'm in love with Ivana. What else is new right.