Today

I accomplished 3 out of the 4 things I set out to do yesterday.




I feel...ok. I'm not freaking out, yet. I need to be more regular on my medication however..I've been neglecting taking it some days and most days I'm not taking it at the same time. Antidepressants are not good to fool around with like that.

I'm realizing how great my life is. Really. I'm not exactly anywhere close to where I thought I would be at any given time in my youth but honestly..wtf do we know about life when we are that young? I feel good. My family is happy and healthy..I have met the best guy ever...so far...I'm optimistic about it though. I have money in my bank and the opportunity to do pretty much whatever I want. I'm still young and I'm making good decisions for myself based on what I want to do ..not what everyone else thinks I should do. I feel accountable for my decisions and am being smarter and more responsible about them.

I also have two lovely kitties. :) just had to add that in b/c they are so cute right now sleeping on my bed :D

I think I want to take a few art classes. I suck at drawing and everything but maybe there is an outlet there (besides dance) with which I could really connect. It's an avenue I haven't really explored beyond writing and making collages when I was younger.

Anyway, all for now.

Kiss,
Jen.

dreams

Dreams 2
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

AT first, in this dream, I am the famous man’s wife. I am standing in a room at his comedy premier, in this huge building, and I’m surrounded by people, one specifically I know is Robert Deniro, but I’m faded, they don’t see me, I’m washed out, invisible in the midst of all this money and beauty, and they are talking about my husband, wondering who his wife is, and I become more bitter and sad as the conversation continues around me, until finally I explode upon all of them, admitting that yes, I am his wife, I’m here, and I can hear them, I know what they are saying and it’s unkind, unkind to talk about someone when they are there, when they are aware of what you are saying...i turn to look out the window, tears in my eyes and see my children, playing, and motion them to me now, they are the only thing in life that brings me joy.

Then the dream shifts a bit forward and it’s after the premier. Im gorgeous now, absolutely stunning, who am I? I’m wearing bracers (wrist bracelets, long like gloves, but only reach from your wrist halfway up your arm), beautiful stone and gem objects, worthy of worship. The comedian stands in front of me, without his shirt and my dream self recognizes him as my benefactor, a friend, that I depend on dangerously for money. The air is a little tense, for I know he’s in love with me and I fear the moment when he will make it known, because I shall be forced to either sleep with him and ruin his marriage, or walk away...without my benefactor. I know that either way it will come to an end soon because I can see he can’t hold his feelings in much longer. I uneasily watch him. I remind him of how much I value his friendship. His eyes are on my skin, on my bracers, he can’t take his eyes off of them. They are a work of art, he announces, worthy of worship. He removes his pants and is standing in front of me, and I close my eyes because I don’t want it to come to this....He asks me to undress, leaving only the bracers on. The world stops, and I stand still in it, not breathing, and I know I can’t do this thing.

Just then his wife comes in and sees him in this state. She is who I was earlier, the plain, invisible woman who’s only joy now is in her children. She trembles in anger and asks him what’s going on, without looking in my direction. She wants to make me invisible, but it’s not possible, I am too stunning. I know I hurt her just by existing. He tells her he’s in love with me, he can’t hide it any longer. I can’t take anymore of this, I scream, I tell him no, he’s crazy, spitting madness, I run from the room in a panic and bolt down the stairs, I’m on another landing now and I look for a door, it’s white and it has the number 4 written on it. (There was also a number 7 door, perpendicular to this one, I choose the number 4, later in my dream I choose 7 and it’s a wasteland, empty inside, and I know that nothing is good on this floor)

I enter the room number 4 to try to escape from him, and I know that I’ve been here before, as in a lot of my dreams I’ve lived through them in some reality and I know the possible outcome to be had.

Let me take a moment to describe the room. Open entering the room, one always finds oneself in the exact same place in the room, which is on the green carpeted floor about 6 feet from the white door, which is always open a little to show you a view of outside,which is no longer a building corridor but a green pasture with a river, waterfall, beautiful nature surroundings. Inside the room, which is pink, that doll room shade pink, is a girl, about 14-16 years old, and she’s dressed in a prairy dress, a baby doll dress, pink and light blue and yellow are the colors of her dress. Her hair is up in ribbons, and overall you gain the feeling that you are in a dollhouse of sorts, that hasn’t ever changed and time doesn’t effect.

She’s delighted im here, and of course, she should be, for she holds an evil power over those who enter. In her room, which is small, is a white closet. In that closet, she can pull out whatever you want, whatever will encourage you to stay, but somewhere on a shelf in that closet, is an object never far from her hand. It’s a painting. A painting of...well...noone who has ever seen it has made it back out to tell of it. But those who have made it out said it is a painting she holds up for you to view. And if you view it, if your eyes rest upon it, you are her prisoner, her toy, her visitor, throughout eternity. You can never leave.

I’ll take a minute, just a second to describe her personality, for it won’t take longer than that. She’s bubbly, eager, wants you to be her friend, is delighted you are here. She is naive, and a little stupid, but something lies under her desperate eagerness...the knowledge that she will try to make you stay forever, and you can see it in a glimpse in her eye, a sharp look, that changes her childish features from innocent to horrific.

She stands before me now, and this is the second time I’ve been in this room. (The first time didn’t occur in this dream, yet I have a memory of it) The first time I bolted out the partially opened door as soon as my body hit the floor. But there is a problem this time. I’ve just been to the comedian’s opening show and I’m a little drunk. I’m more than a little drunk, I can barely see straight. And there on the floor in front of me is the previous victom, all shriveled, turned purple, a barely living corpe, unable to talk, only to open it’s mouth in a silent plea, it’s shriveled hands grasping at nothing. I know now that she must be really desperate, this girl, for her play thing is almost dead. I know she will do everything to make me stay.

She reaches into the white closet, and I know I don’t have long. She is programmed for formalities though, for trickery, naive trickery, and she truly wants to make me comfortable, though I know what end is in mind, even if she in all her insanity doesnt grasp what she does. She sees I am drunk, and offers me a drink. A rum, she wants to know if i want rum on ice. I tell her yes, and she reaches into the closet, then in a moment her desperate need for me to stay fills her and she instead changes her mind and says she has to show me something now. I know the painting is coming and I clear my mind long enough to insist upon a drink, I tell her no, I want to see her picture but I must must have a drink first. She tries weakly to argue but she really believes she must trick me to stay, so again, she reaches into the closet, this time she says to get me the drink,and as her back is turned to me I find my way onto my feet, swaying, I look towards the partially open door, I see the green pasture in front of me, and I try to take a step...

And she is in front of me, and she is evil, and she is holding the painting. I cover my eyes with my hands but I have viewed a piece of it. Through blurred perception I saw clearly the bottom half of the painting...and I know what it is, it’s red flowers, in an organized pattern, tiny bright red flowers dance before my eyes and i rush past her, I refuse, I exit through the door into the sunlight and she screams and chases me. She becomes larger than life and I am tiny, a worm in the dirt, and i can’t move fast enough now but I am outside, and her power is useless, I instead climb on her and cover her with my slime, to punish her for what she has put me though, in hatred. She holds me, a tiny worm, and cries....and I know I’ll be okay now, reality will return, though I know I’ll never be the same since I’ve glimpsed, if only for a second, that painting.

more dreams

Dreams
Current mood: restless
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Marion and I entered the wooden house, where the only light was from the moon and was broken into ghastly shapes by shadows.

We were exhausted, had been traveling forever it seemed, and needed a place to rest. Not a moment after we entered Marion was collapsed on the couch, sound asleep. I took a moment and adjusted to our surroundings. Whispers reached my ears and out of the corners of my eyes I saw things moving that shouldn’t have been. I struck me that the house was haunted.

I walked through the living room into an adjacent corner in a dining hall. I felt, for some reason, that although through the rest of the house spirits were actively making themselves known, this corner, this ledge, was safe.

I laid my head down on the ledge and moved my body into a position of rest. Through exhausted eyes I noticed two small statues were sharing the ledge with me. They seemed miles away but I could make out the shapes in the shadowy moonlight of a man in his 20’s, dressed in a white shirt and a black vest, tuxedo pants, with his arm outstretched, his fingers pointed towards me. A girl obviously of Spanish origin stood behind him, a small figurine, carved with a red, slinky, to the floor gown of simple silk. She had a worried expression on her face...and as I drifted off to sleep, I heard a voice speak to me as if in a dream.."beware of the prince, he comes when you least expect him...*

I came bolting out of sleep wide awake as if someone had poured cold water over my head. I knew I had to wake up at that exact moment or something aweful would happen, I looked up and almost touching my knees on the ledge, inching towards me slowy were the two figurines, the male one leading, fingers pointed towards me...I tried to move myself off the ledge quickly but it was too late; reality swirled and I entered another world..that of the prince and his spanish queen.

Now I find myself in a different reality. I’m at some kind of party, it seems to be a party that is occuring before a wedding, instead of after, for some reason. I’m in a small dancing hall, in a house of not of gigantic portions, but a large house, wooden, and there are people surrounding me. I see, across the hall, through the couples arm and arm, a man, the prince, who it seems, isn’t a prince at all but the would-to-be groom, and he’s getting drunk, and laughing, and seems to want to cause some chaos. It hits me that he’s not in love with his would-be-wife, and that he’s getting out of control drunk with some secret wish to ruin the wedding before it will occur. All of this occurs to me in a moment no longer than a few seconds, then his eyes come to rest on me, and at the same time I realize I’m dressed all wrong for this party, in a slinky red silk dress, and my hair, it’s dark, spanish dark....

He grabs me in his arms and spins me through the waltzing crowd, not paying any attention to the rules of the dance, spinning me, twirling me, and I find myself, like in all dreams, like in all seperate distant realities, not entirely in control or understanding of my actions, because of course I am me, but I’m not...and I’m laughing, laughing in his arms, I know it’s wrong, it’s all wrong, there is his fiance, in her white dress, watching me, her wine almost spilling out of her tilted cup, her hand seems to have forgotten it as she views the scene before her, a harlet in a red dress spinning her future farther and farther away from her.

Now I’m in his bedroom, and he wants to show me something, urgently, fumbling he opens the closet door and reaches into a box, he’s pulling out something, what is it...but I know already because I know how this story will end. He’s pulling out fireworks, and a candle, for lighting. And I know he’s naive to the end of it all because he thinks he’s living this out for the first time. But I know, through some divine intelligence that this poor statue lives out this story every night, again and again, same ending, which results in his death. I know if he takes out the fireworks, and the candle, he will light it near an aluminum can of gasoline, and blow himself up in the process. Yet here he is, urgently showing me what he intends to do, and he doesnt even know that his endless, repeatable death is in store. I reach up, distracting him with my words and grab the candle from his hand, trying to change something in fate, in the future of this prince, something to save his life, change the story. He doesnt notice my actions but as sure as I am alive, it changes everything.

We go ouside and the story proceeds. I sit on a chair on the porch and I know that this Spanish girl has already fallen in love with this prince. He is drunk, though sobering up a little and he is eager for me to watch the display he has planned. Completely ignoring now the rules of engagement, which would place him inside with his soon-to-be wife, his attention is only on creating more chaos.

He reaches down and from some source pulls out a light. I still feel reasurred because i hold the death candle in my palm. He lights the firework near the aluminum can. It goes off, I hold my breath, nothing happens...the second one soon follows, its a five firework show, one should race quickly after the next into the sky for its turn in the display...

He has backed away from them to watch, but there is a problem, what’s this?

The third one wont go off, it’s stuck, I see him as if in slow motion moving toward the can, the flame, and I jump up to run to him, desperate to save his life....I see my own destruction before me...

And this would be the end of the dream if I ever died in my dreams. However, I have never died in any of my dreams, and I tend to find a way to end them on a happier note.

The end of this dream is truly anti-climatic...

somehow neither one of us die in the explosion, yet the chaos is enough to cause major confusion, during which we escape in an old pickup, hand in hand, and drive off to our new life together. there is a part later on where we drive down a hispanic street and we see a sign over a club that says "gringo night, saturday." the prince isnt used to our world and askes me to explain what gringo means, and i tell him "white people"...this part makes me laugh a lot.

you get the idea.

Wow

For the first time in a long time, I can actually say I'm pretty darn close to being stress free.

guess what i'm going to do today?

drink a dos equis with lime and chill on a swing by the bayou, while i indulge myself in The Awakening; daydream of a more beautiful time when women were ladies and New Orleans wasn't a place in which you feared for your life, when Grand Isle was a place for the bourgeois to summer.

ah, how i miss my past lives. you were there too, i know it. we had champagne in the mornings with our knitting and idle talk.

late summer daydreams

late summer daydream

i watched the rain fall softly,
not a real storm,
more like a wedge driven
beneath the sun
to break the sweet summer heat.
lightning flashed,
thunder softly whispered in the sky,
as if afraid to startle the clouds,
into a real evening shower.
i raised my eyes through the warm sticky air,
and peeked through soft, wet lashes,
droplets fell from eyebrows,
bare feet pushed the swing.
I thought of you in the rhythm
and the sway of your lips.
My eyes closed gently
flashes of electric memory
played home movies,
 behind eyelids in the afternoon.

some stuff i almost lost 3

i held him.
I lied there, and felt my arm
wrapped around his body,
his breath, in..out....in..out..
his life's rhythm.
I held him gently,
though he's enough to substain
the weight of my love
draped across his warm breast.
I closed my eyes,
and indulged in my love,
tender, needy like a child,
i held him.

some stuff i almost lost 2

poetic justice

i thought this was amazing...everyone did such a great job.

if you want to post yours underneath please feel free. i wish all bulletins were like this!

Legend has it that Ernest Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only SIX WORDS.
The result was "For sale: baby shoes, never used."
(http://smithmag.net/sixwords/)

Here's an interesting and challenging activity. Try to compose YOUR story (the story of YOU) in EXACTLY six words (no more, no less). For some, this may be painful. (It's very hard to tell your whole story in six words.)

Just to see what we come up with, maybe we could do one of those add-on things and Copy this bulletin and paste it into a new one with yours. Then post the bulletin as "".

Carin: Lives planned perfectly will imperfectly unfold.
Kayla: Fate lay in dreams yet realized.
Dre: Life's easy with your eyes shut.
Keigh: Appreciate mistakes for what they are!
EJ: Many pages turned, very little read.
Colby: A moment of clarity never rendered.
Moot: They've swollen, the size of softballs!
Herb: What sucks now will always suck.
Larry: I came, I saw, I drank.
King Iggy: Born to raise hell, then died.
Nicole: Life is full of little dissapointments.
Mike J: I wonder what else I forgot.
Mandy: The future starts today, not tomorrow.
Arie: Water is actually, with persuasion, flammable.
Kris: Live, love, dream, and be happy.
Jessica: All this work for one screw.
james: SALE: parachute, used once - small stain
Bagheera: I'm still learning how to breathe.
Brandice: Even teachers must never stop learning
Brandy: My mind is a blank scrapbook
Katy: Living is much more than breathing.
Chuck: Find my way proves very difficut.
Caity: Dreams come true in baffling ways.
Sarah: Crazy cat lady seeks true love.
MANDYLAND: (PLAGIARIZING) THE ROAD IS LONG AND WINDING.
Eric: Playing the cards I was dealt.
Chelsea: Had directions, so I'm going elsewhere
Dano:He entertained none more than himself.
Phillip: Donny, you're out of your element.
Cho: Hey, where the white women at?!
::Jacki-OH:: Move bitch, get out the way.
Camille: Low flying social butterfiles die young
Brandon: Lost in space, room mate wanted.
Collette: Repeating same actions, expecting different results.
Steve: Steve is funny, funny don't pay.
Kanani: Expected to return as a Manatee.
Mr. Brightside: Orphan blossoms to bestseller, seeks enlightenment.
Celia: Twirling wide open, fear and all.
El Ghost Host: Never stopped laughing, even through tears
tamar- full plate. empty chair.spilled milk.
Mr.Paz®: Singing Lounge versions of elevator music.
~Kari~: Love, nothing but a fairy tale........
{Cori} How about Chocolate and wine, sis?????
CherylJ. ~ Appreciate the miracles. Forget the rest.
Taryn Darkness fell, now there's only light
Amanda~ It's all written in The Book
Jessica: Aww hell no!.. this is it?
Amanda K. ~ I lived it according to ME!
Selina ~ I love my life right now!
Stephanie ~ It hurts, keeping it all inside
Que- Life's a bitch, then you die!
Rhonda - For sale; used heart, slightly dead.
Elizabeth: Life is learned through agaphy love.
Lauren: Ernest Hemingway did a better job.
Asian Cajun: My lucky break has been broken.
Joey: I've been everywhere, but haven't left
Jenny: Live love breathe sweat hurt hope.

some stuff i almost lost!!!zomg. 1

a glimpse of understanding, a dream for men.
Current mood: calm

I had a dream last night that I had a girlfriend. I'm not sure what sex I was, but I believe I was a man because, how can I say, I didn't have the emotional paranoia and extreme moodiness of a girl. I was relaxed. My dream took place in a comfortable bar like setting. My girlfriend was sitting in a booth next to me and I was very content and relaxed with just feeling the love and affection she gave me. Then she got up to use the restroom, and while she was there I got up and went somewhere for a half and hour..I don't really remember where but it was something like to take a shower or something else routine and normal. When I came back to the booth she was gone and I realized that she had gotten upset waiting for me and had thought I had left her so she left. In my head it was a gentle understanding that she would overreact about it and that was it, it passed.

The scene switched to the street..I had done a few things that night and I was walking down the street with my friends. Again, I was extremely relaxed and not anxious about anything. I saw my girlfriend heading toward me and she didn't see me. I playingly touched her elbow to get her attention. She turned around and when she recognized that it was me she freaked out, and started screaming about the situation in the booth. She was being loud and causing a scene and I couldn't explain to her that it was a misunderstanding..actually I didn't want to at the moment because I could see the discomfort it was causing my guy friends, and she was hysterical and completely at a loss of control. I felt a little cold anger and disgust at her behavior and I told her we would talk about it later and I started to walk in the opposite direction with my friends. She screamed fine and then almost as an afterthought told me she threw away her phone so I couldnt call her. Another twinge of anger at how irrational she was, and a realization that I didn't want to be with someone like that.

I honestly don't know how men feel inside, emotionally, but I recognized the girl's behavior of course. It was wonderful to be a man in this dream, and feel so relaxed and just that cold rationality instead of the normal flow of anxiety, paranoia and overload of emotions that run through me on a day to day basis. I've asked my husband how he feels inside like on a normal day and he told me basically relaxed; I imagine it must feel something like I felt in this dream.

I also realized how crazy a woman can seem to a man. So ladies, take it easy on your men, I really don't think they feel the same things we do, it can be hard to understand...

Princess Dumpster

So we have a new cat. Someone gave her to us. Her name is Sasha, aka princess fluffy-face aka princess dumpster. She is a rare white persian.

I like her..although she has nervous habits. She fights demons in her sleep. Much like sleeping next to Theron, actually :P

So work is going well. I made 20 dollars an hour tonight. Not anything to be majorly excited about but still making deposits to my savings. I'm only 7 grand away from a new car. I figure that's about two more months if I don't spend any money..

So for Christmas this year I decided to give to someone who really needs it. I met this girl Robin..she has three sons and she's very broke most of the time. I think I'm going to give her 150 dollars for Christmas so she can give her boys presents. Matt said he'd match whatever I gave her so that means 300 extra for her to spend on her kids. This makes me happy :)

Things are going great with Matt and I...he's the loveliest boy I've ever met. He's so so sweet to me...I can't get over how frackin nice he is to me. Sooo much nicer than most of my ex boyfriends and Turgay.

I'm also going to be a nanny..Marion is pregnant. Really a surprise..all of us though that it would be a problem for her to conceive after her tube bursting and the surgery and everything. But nope..she's 11 weeks now :) She'll see the baby's heartbeat on Wednesday :)

Things are good with the family also...lots of people in and out of this house in New Orleans...lots of love flowing. I love the holidays. It's not feeling like a sweatbox in NO these days either..that's a nice change :)

dreams

I was adopted, and talented in voice. My adopted parents did everything they could to get me into Julliard. It worked. My first day there we are all given instructions "how to find your dorm". The halls are full of lost students. One picks up her violin and starts to play "I could have danced all night." Another violin joins. Then someone starts to sing along. The halls are suddenly full of dancing, singing, playing students like something straight out of a musical.

A 3rd year girl tells me she's seen me before. My dream suddenly becomes mysterious. Could it be a clue as to my past? She takes me through long halls with locked doors. Finally we come upon a library. She finds the book she was looking for. She ruffles through. Among the published short story authors is Teri Duchaine. Only they spelt her name wrong..Duchane.

She doesn't find what she's looking for. She works there, tells me to come back later. I feel a bond with her for some reason.

Flash

I'm in a house. My house. I feel like someone is trying to get to me. I lock the door of the room behind me and find a knife. Suddenly, I notice it's slightly open. I open the door and peek into the hall and I see my teddy bear, trying to walk on his feet. He can only take a few steps then he falls down. I walk up to him and ask him where he is going. He says it's been a long time but it's time for him to return to the store.

silver lining.

I've noticed that since I've been off my BC and Prozac I haven't been in a generally happy mood. MOstly I've been tired and slightly annoyed. However I feel smarter if that is possible.

I'd take happy over smarter most days though. Not that I'm unhappy. I'm just worried about feeling down or annoyed or angry so I'm paranoid about being unhappy. I'm worried about it. Ugh I should just go back on my meds I guess.

I got my health insurance card in the mail today. Going to go online and check to see what doctors I can see. I need to get back on it to lose weight at the least..dating matt has fattened me up. The man wants to eat out every night.

Working is going well. I like most of my managers and such and I made 500 in 2.5 days..so that's good. I'm moving out. I started looking for apartments in New Orleans. I want to live by myself and do whatever the hell I want.

Turgay got his 10 year visa!!!!!

Whoa. It's done. I'm free if I want to be. And I'm really happy for him..this stress is over. It's weird though..I miss him already.

I can't deal with him though..he's too much. Too much for a relationship, for sure.

Almost too much for a friendship.

So my job started...it's going well. My first day was yesterday. It was slow..I only had 3 tables the whole night, still I made more off of those three tables than I would have any place else, so that's a good sign. It's hard work though..you get tired very fast because they truly never stop. None of this sitting around for hours like we did at Semolina's. :P Working the tables is actually the easy part of the job. The rest of it is what makes it hard and tiring.

I now have 2 pen pals! I'm so excited...I'm going to houma for a few days this week and I will shop shop shop for them...pick up some fun random things and drop it in the mail!

key lime pie with whipped cream.

My life is key lime pie with whipped cream at the moment. I just had an opportunity to move into Trump tower in New york, in Bruce Willis' old apartment, for free, drive a mercedes, travel the world, and get paid 650 a week cash to watch over two preteen girls. I passed it up. Why? Because I can. It makes me happy to know that I love my life that much, that I would pass up such an opportunity. It makes me happy to know that there are opportunities like that in the world, just waiting to be snatched up.

UPdates:
#1) I'm out of school this semester. I'm training in a really nice restaurant with thousand dollar chairs and 4000 dollar lamps. It's serious business and so is the money I'm going to be making.

#2) Guy dissed me hard for the last time. He's playing WoW and not contributing to our bills. He's lounging around teaching a few classes a week..working 10 hours a week at the most, playing WoW in his free time, asking me if I have money to pay the bills instead of getting a part time job. He told me last night to stay out of his affairs. He called this on himself by not respecting me...now I will stay out of his affairs and anything that has to do with him, separate our lives, and he can find his own way. I'm not going to put out any effort for him.

#3) Max is now a half-outside cat. He still wants to come in and sleep in my arms at night :)
I thought cats were supposed to be feral?? :P He's a silly one. He also won't use the bathroom outside. When I let him in...he beelines straight for the litter box :P

#4) I'm in a great relationship. Matt is super responsible, loving, humble, stable, intelligent, caring, successful, and so so funny. I'm a very lucky girl and I personally think, without wanting to come across as conceited..that he is a very lucky guy. We are two lucky people.

"One person is a wanderer. Two people are always going some where."

-Vertigo.

It's been awhile.

I feel like I should post about Matt but this relationship is so perfect..I don't feel like there is a lot of drama to share.

I just love him.

I cried this weekend b/c of a gift he gave me I wasn't expecting. I'm so used to being the giver...I'm not sure how to act when I receive.

He's amazing. I hate it when the weekend ends and he has to leave and go back to Houma, or I have to go back to New Orleans. I imagine we will be living together before 2009 is out.

I've been gone for almost a WEEk.

I was hiding in Houma for almost a week at Matt's being spoiled to death.

But now I'm back in New Orleans and thank goodness I came back last night because Houston's called this morning and I have to go in today because I'm HIRED.

I'm so psyched..ok it's just a silly waitressing job BUT..they make bank.

I was going to move to Houma but now I guess I'll stay here afterall.


Happy day...b/c I'm really broke lol.

third interview tomorrow!!

I love taking those job personality tests.

They are so easy to lie on..."Are you the type of person who likes to keep busy or likes to rest?

Duh.

Dreams and such

Last night I had a dream this creepy boy was trying to have sex with my cat. Then I realized it wasn't my cat, but I couldn't find my cat and there were all these orange tabbys...I was trying to find Max and it was hard. Eventually I found him though.

I have a second interview today for a job...don't really want it but who knows..maybe it will be cool in the end. I know the people who work there make about 1000 a week..so..I mean it would be nice to have money and save for a better car.

Things are going great with Matt. I'm really happy with him. Maybe because we've known each other so long or whatnot but everything comes easily with him.

Guy is going through an even rougher time than me..I've been trying to be there for him as much as possible b/c I know he doesn't have a lot of people here who he can turn to..and of course I care about him. He quit his job but he's getting a few piano students here and there..which is much better for him.

VEry very busy these days..today i have my second interview then matt is coming over..then tomorrow I have to go to UNO for a deferment on my tuition...then see if I can even get into school this semester..Honestly I won't be upset if I don't..I want to work for a few months and save money for a car.

My back is killing me!!!

And I just switched to linux..which is NOT compatable with my phone picture program so I guess that means that I'll be posting less pictures :(
I think I'll get a digital camera when I get my school money in.

School is about to start...It amazed me how quickly the summer went by..and what a summer whew.
I still have 4 exams to take from last semester :/

This summer was a joke. Really. Everything that happened was straight from a dream...which was sometimes a nightmare.

I'm still living the repercussions of that nightmare. N I didn't even get to go to the beach ONCE.
I'm still feeling groggy and out of it; I think part of that is my messed up sleep schedule however so I will be rectifying that situation as soon as possible. It includes a fast 12-16 hours before my targeted time to wake up, then resetting my cycle through food.

I'm not really sure what's going on with Guy. We are definitely friends..which is nice..I just don't know what else is going on. ..I can never tell with him. He has these plans and structures in his mind...I know what he wants and hopes for but I can't understand how it could come to pass by indifference towards us at this point.

Anyway, it's nice just to have him in my life. The neighbors are moving out and are going to rent their house (it's broken into two "apartments" like ours) and I'm thinking about renting one with Guy. I don't know how that would work out..I'm not sure if I could handle seeing him with girls..and obviously Matt would be around..and I try to put myself in his shoes..and think what it would be like if my boyfriend lived with his wife that he was separated from, how would I feel? Probably uncomfortable. So, I don't know. I know that he has to move out of his apartment with that dude soon..He's welcome to come here. I guess right now, to me, he feels something more of a best friend/brother, which, whatever, might be what a husband is for all I know.

He's family. That's the bottom line, and family always comes first.

I had the most beautiful dream last night:

I was on a peninsula of sorts...3 sides surrounded by ocean. Some parts were freezing and a half a mile down there would be people sunbathing and splashing about in the water. I rode my around the one road that circled the island near the water. I saw lots of different types of people...some were working in their gardens, some on their cars, some were wearing large hats and yellow bikinis and were obviously tennis moms/debutantes. Different houses, also. I've dreamt of this place before but last time I only saw the right side of it..and it was a bit dark in that dream..night time and I found a house with 7 floors, the middle one being made of lava..ancient elevators...anyway this time it was more like a watercolor. I remember wishing I could show it to Matt...wanting to show him there is a place to live where life could be beautiful and happy.

Then the dream shifted a bit and I had parked my car and taken my bike out..it was total country...long windy roads with no one there..Then these giant hedges started to appear..like in a secret garden...with flowers forming a closed overhang and pathway through the forest..it was so beautiful..but I do remember being afraid of getting lost..not knowing which way was north or south..or where I left my car. Then Chris Landry showed up, looking for his step mother's house, and I hid behind a bush and called out his name. He looked different..like I hadn't seen him in a long time.
The whole part of that dream was very surreal and well, dreamlike.

Then I woke up to Guy..banging on my door...I thought it was John for a minute and I panicked a bit.

I'm in operation avoid John atm. For obvious reasons.

Today just went to Cox Cable to get the box for my mom..she finally bitched enough at me about the channel availability..even though I told her she can watch everything her heart desires online..I suppose it's not the same. Guy came with me..then we ordered pizza..and I did my fafsa and he left. Glad I finally go that done..school starts in a week. Supposedly it only takes 4 days to process..I sure hope so b/c I was supposed to do it in January :/

Total slacking.

So Matt's really funny...I told him to make blueberry eggs last night and he did. He's also on a no carb all saturated fat diet..I don't know lol..he says he's already lost 2% body fat since starting it. He actually ate a bar of butter for dinner, with some carrots and a beef/tomato drink.

I have to laugh..because anyone else and it would be a joke..but he has no shame..the boy has no shame. Which makes me laugh so much...I mean wtf.

Next he says are horse steroids and some kind of appetite suppressant..this is what happens when you are a scientist at heart and bored. You end up experimenting on yourself.

I told him no way I'm coming around him for Roid week. crazy boy.

mmmm

Shrimp Jenny..named after me...so yummy. like a gumbo but with a white sauce..currently on my 4th bowl.

apparently i went through a pack of ciggs tonight. i was supposed to quit...fail.

i went to Fat Harry's to hang out with Keith Ferguson. He's famous you know. HE laughs when i say that. whatever his band signed with warner brothers and opened for REM. I met the cutest boy tonight at Jake and Snake's...Jed. Then he left. I wish Matt was here..

so.

Now, I have a new boyfriend. And I like him a lot. He's really quite amazing.

He does have this thing about human touch. As in he doesn't like it so much..it activates his fight or flight senses in his brain. I did some research, it's called SPD..or Sensory Perception Disorder..meaning that sometimes certain senses, for him, touch, don't completely cycle through the correct response in the brain to get to a non threatening and pleasurable input state. They get train-wrecked at fight or flight.

I find this totally interesting..and I'm very ok with it..mostly because I don't want to move very fast anyway and my attraction to him, while physical (he's very attractive) is mostly intellectual and emotional. We've known each other a long time....no need to play games or hide anything...we are pretty direct with each other. It's really nice when you reconnect with old friends; things are truly different in comparison to the effort you show and the masks you put on and the sensing and judging you have to do when you are with someone you've just met.

So the initial "I like you, Matt" thing was funny...we were sitting by the river and his body language was toward me..he even had his arm across the back of my bench, but he like never made a move lol.(Because of the touch thing I'm guessing). We started holding hands somehow..I think I grabbed his hand ...actually...I don't want to share this. It's too precious. I think I'll keep it for myself and him.

August 8th 2009. I have a feeling this is something special.

IN other news..Roller Derby..I tried out..I was like a fish out of water though on those skates..it's been 10 years..but Swerve assures me that all the girls are like that when they first start. I watched a fake bout...zomg so fun..and they look so great...lots of falling though lol but also lots of gear to protect you so I imagine falling isn't so scary with all that on.

I'm going to try to join them.
Swerve says I'm in if I want in.

I have a million things to do today..I should get on it.

Well..

tomorrow is shaping up to be quite a day.

Roller Derby in HOuma from 11-1 ..then drive back to NO and meet up with Matt around 3 or 4..insectarium...then possibly dirty linen night downtown. I'm not supposed to wash my linen but I think I will because white with dirt? Even for dirty linen..I'm not going to be that girl :P

Looking forward to seeing Matt..we have such a great time together.

I'm curious to see where our relationship goes..we've known each other forever but this reconnecting thing is going well. I would be happy to keep him as a friend but I have to admit that I do find myself thinking about him for hours after I leave him.

He said he wants to talk to me throughout the day to bounce ideas off of me and get my imput. He said it's concerning :P

It would be to him..he doesn't care a lot about what most people think.

I definitely don't expect declarations of love from Matt. I think just the fact that he wants to spend so much time with me is telling in itself. I'm enjoying the time we have together and I'm ok being single at the moment. But, I have a feeling this could end up in a different situation eventually, if things continue the way they are.

I hope I feel better tomorrow...it's going to be a long day. Girl days are upon me and it's really bad timing for all the things I have planned.

Monday is job hunting day...I have major bills this month and need some income soon.

ouch..my head...

Andygator..beer with 9 percent alcohol. I drank 3 and ouchhhh I was still drunk this morning when I woke up.

Whew...John brought me OJ and aspirin, bless his heart.

I can't even type more today lol.

My brain is fuzzy.

AND..I need a bit of help from a sebastion lol..

I don't want to jinx it but...

There may be something there that wasn't there before...

So..

last night was super duper fun. I went into the salon where Kristi and my sister Marion work. I went in looking like I had on a bad wig from Cleopatra...except not half as hawt.

Let me backtrack. I accidentally dyed my hair black. How does one accidentally dye their hair the wrong colour? Well..the fucking box said DARK BROWN. I left it on for 5 minutes longer than the time said..and voila! Jet Black Cleopatra hair.

It was lookin baaaaad. Well my choices were to strip it..and therfore gain a fro...with all the fried ends...or...try to get a cute cut. Kristi sat me down in her chair and said..."I'm going to give you a female mullet." My eyes widened in protest at this point. "I know it sounds scary, but, it's soooo cute. trust me. "

"Ok kristi. I guess if I don't like it we can always cut off more...right???!!??"

It came out so cute! I love it. She uses a razor to cut my entire head. How cool is that!

So then I called Matt, I went to his house and he had on O' reilly factor lol. He convinced me to watch it for 5 minutes while I bitched at him about republicans before he turned to me and said.."you know I don't really watch this stuff right?"

I CAN NEVER TELL WITH HIM IF HE'S BEING SERIOUS OR NOT. sometimes i can..but..its HARD. His serious face and voice is EXACTLY like his joking voice. And he's always joking almost. It's been like this since high school..and I must say it keeps me laughing. We saw roseanne dressed up as hitler eating jew cookies she baked in her oven. wtf ...im not even joking.

wtf was she thinking.

Then we went out to dinner..Thai...was very yummy yummy...Matt's on an all fat no carb diet so i think he had some trouble findind something to eat. yeah...might be a lie..i cant tell lol.

i asked him about a trillion times if he was being serious about the all fat thing...he swears and gave me statistics..showed me the fatty brisket in his freezer..sigh..here goes another Turgay :P

He had me laughing all night. After dinner we were like..wtf we do now..its houma...

so he told me if i couldn't decide on a place..which i can't (he knows im an INFP) then he would take me to Rouses. And walmart. And books a million. (BAM!)

He wasn't lying about the first and last. We did go to both. At BAM we found a book on 365 sexual positions. the girl only moved her legs around a few times to change it lol. Then we went to Rouses. Matt said he would be upset if I didn't experience the culture in the local grocery stores. We looked at some old, old sushi. He bet me a dollar to eat it. I didn't..it really looked nasttty. Then we explored the fatty meat section. Because he wanted to hear me squeal I suppose.

Then we wanted to spend more time so he drove me back to Bourg. Hung out with Marion and Cody for a min..My Negro Modela was still in the fridge ..yum...

Picked up my kitty max...drove me back to his house and said goodnight. Max slept on my lap the whole ride home.

I have MAJOR cleaning to do after Sassy being here. she shit all over the guest room. She refused to use the litterbox and infested my house with fleas. Right now I'm washing EVERYTHING..then I'm going to cut out the carpet in the guest room..then I'll vacuum..bathe max...and hopefully problem will be solved.

Oh, I think I have a stalker. I talked to this guy one time and now he's like...omg i missed you..hugs and kisses..ive spent the last hour trying to explain to him that i only talked to you once....um..how are we in love? its a bit frightning.

wrote katie an apology...hope she ..well...i hope that she can forgive me.

unfortunately i also learned she reads my blog today..so anything i say from this point on she might consider me writing it for her sake. This blog was always my place to put my thoughts..without being judged for it..or without worrying about what I'm typing and who might read it. When I write, I pretend like I'm the only one who exists. I plan on keeping that format..regardless of who's watching.

That's all for now..

Friends.

I am in a MUCH healthier place now. I'm not seeking attention from anyone anymore. I'm comfortable with myself as a person; I have specific goals I want to reach, and I'm realizing who I care about, and why. Friendship is mucho importante to me at the moment..I'm also realizing that I'd be totally ok being a cat lady for the rest of my life and living with Emily in a cat haven :D

People are so beautiful. I've been blessed to have some of the most amazing people in my life...how could one girl get so lucky in the friend department? For every time I choose myself over one of them, I'm sorry. It was a hard lesson and it won't happen again. Chalk it up to immaturity. I've finally realized that this actual world is just as worth living in as the one I tried to create in my mind.

That's healthy. That's where I need and want to be. That's where I find myself, finally, after 28 years.

I'm also realizing that the real part of being healthy in life is loving yourself and being comfortable with yourself, being a friend and someone you can admire. Being someone you are proud to be. That's what I'm doing now. It's hard..you have to be brutally honest with yourself and the people around you. But you never have to be cruel. Only honest.

I'm also realizing that another main part of being healthy is learning to accept what life gives you, the good and the bad. No one lives in a world where everything is 100 percent happy all the time. I can't believe I believed that was possible for me.
I tried everything to create that..all the while ignoring who I was..while I was screaming to myself to just focus on me for awhile. Is this what it means to grow up? Possibly part of the process..I'm glad I'm realizing it now..although I hurt some people along the way, mostly myself.

I'm happy with the every day things now...going out to dinner with friends...watching John grow a mustache..looking for alligators in the bayou with Kylie..redeveloping lost friendships with people I never should have taken for granted.

Doing my schoolwork; loving my family; hanging out with my husband; these are things I'm happy with.

I'm doing good.

Poetry..Piazza New York Catcher by Belle and Sebastian.

Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we’ll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase
San Francisco’s calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?
We hung about the stadium, we’ve got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue’s crying too and well he may.

I love you I’ve a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the family why not that's absurd
“You’ll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job”
Maybe, but not what she deserves
Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll drink ourselves awake
We’ll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960's style
We’ll comment on the decor and we’ll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we’ll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare
The catcher hits for .318 and catches every day
The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays
He goes into cathedrals and lies prostrate on the floor
He knows the drink affects his speed he’s praying for
a doorway
Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside a diamond is a wrench
I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn’t come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You’d settle for an epitaph like “Walk Away, Renee”
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour
Meet you at the statue in an hour

whoa

I'm just now realizing what happened..how selfish I was. Both of us...wow. I never ever want to be that person again...and I lost two great friends in the process. I miss Katie. Man, she must hate me. Wow. How could I have been that selfish and self-absorbed? That's not me. That's not who I choose to be. Jesus Christ...what a fantasy land I was living in..one where consequences didn't have a meaning to me.

Those kids...I took away their father..even if for a short time...jesus christ.

I'm so so sorry.

Tonight, tonight.

"What's it like to be the most beautiful girl in New Orleans?"

WEll...

that's cheesy. But I think he actually means it.

Anywho...
Went to Mandina's tonight..I had soft shelled crab covered in a Menuire sauce. with almonds. beautiful.

John's really great to me.

Tonight Todd flew in from Europe and told me all about his trip. I really wish I had the money to go. One day.

Totally rocked it!

Tomorrow is my presentation...and I totally rocked the powerpoint assignment. It's gong to go smoothly I think.

Saw my cousin today, and his chillins :) They are adorable!

Operation Makeover John is about to be in effect in a few minutes.

I was willing to let it go but he reminded me. I can't believe it..lol...he must be secretly willing to let me make him pimp.

Found some old yahoo messages from Mike..all about how we were soulmates and nothing would stop us from being together, etc etc.

If I didn't love him so much, I'd totally hate him. It bounces back and forth..like they say..there's a thin line between love and hate.

My head feels better now but my shoulders are KILLING ME. I need a massage.

Sassy has to go...she is smelly and won't let me give her a flea bath. Gonna have to travel back to Bourg stepdad's orders.

Mom's thinking of renting out the guest room. I think this is a fabulous idea if the person isn't crazy or loud.

I'm going to be visiting Bourg a lot more, and Houma. I miss Matt and my sisters. I think I'm going to stay here though..I'm getting excited about school next semester...I get to do independent research on actual people. How cool is that.

I woke up..at 6:57 am.

That is all :P

holy crap!

Corey just told me that a tandem jump is 199 dollars. That means Matt paid 199 dollars for me to jump, plus gas money..at least 40 bucks..plus he bought us dinner..20 bucks..all to watch me have a good time and for us to hang out.

Wow..

Now that's a friend.

When I think how much fucking money I spent on Mikey..he never offered to pay for a thing.

I'd like to send him a bill for close to a thousand..that's how much money I spent on him in the short time I knew him.

Anyway I'm getting pissed and missing my point. Point is, Matt Leblanc rocks my socks..he already did regardless..I just didn't realize it was that expensive!!

John, musician John, is in Minneapolis. He wants to fly me up there lol. I don't think that's going to happen :P

There's a party in my tummy!

I ate potatoes today in TWO forms...mashed and fried. Oh lawd.

I have whiplash and a large bump on my head from the jump. I've been sleeping like a crazy person because of it. I am extremely scatterbrained for example..I can't remember why I wanted to write this blog all day when I finally have gotten here in front of the computer to write it.

A bit of a problem..

So tomorrow is Operation Makeover John. This will be great fun. Starting with socks. The man wears tennis socks and cargo shorts. No. I will draw him diagrams lol. He's being a good sport about it. His words on the subject were.."Would you believe it if I told you that I've never worn anything that wasn't given to me for my birthday or Christmas?" To that I provided an answer of a very serious "Yes."

Hmm what else. I went on another blind date last night. Another major fail. And I knew it would be gay when I went...I had a feeling about the dude. I'm going to start trusting my instincts and NOT hope for the best lol.

Having two cats is a bit stinky. I have to remedy that with some good litter I believe.

What else..mom was crazy today..she needed her medicine. She was talking a mile a minute and it was hilarious. I took her to CVS and got her icecream and pills lol.

She's crashed now.

Tonight going to go out around 1 with the NOPD..should be a good time.

O.M.G.

Ok I forgot some of the drama of this weekend.

Todd's girlfriend...yeah..wtf..he has a girlfriend? news to me.

called me LIVID about our relationship. I had to calm her down and tell her the last time we were together was 8 years ago, give or take.

WTF Todd..you could have told me you had a girlfriend. We have been making plans to hang out...they always fell through but he's been a good friend to me. Why don't guys tell me they are married, have girlfriends, whatever. WTF is wrong with ya'll.

And before that, a lover. And as lovers go..there was some flirtation in the past.
She found some pics and text messages from awhile back.

I felt soooo bad for her. I didn't want to tell her the obvious, that Todd is not a one woman man..he has never been.

I told her the truth..I hope they can work it out or she can find someone better. I won't talk to him unless they are broken up...I have no desire to be with Todd beyond as a friend.

She's been messaging me about things and I'm just being completely honest with her.

Other news..I'm in major pain from this jump...my head hurts bad where I conked it.
and some whiplash I believe.
Rescued Sassy from my sisters...she hadn't eaten in like a week..I'm going to keep her as long as I can. Max loves her, and here she's getting fed and not being tortured.

I missed my "date" this morning..no big deal he said..next day off. I was in so much pain I slept through the morning. I think he's going to be a friend anyway, which is way more awesome than anything else.

Next Saturday I'm trying out for Roller Derby. I can't wait..it's going to be super fucking amazing. Even though I'll fall on my face ;)

Alright!

This weekend was R-O-C-K-I-N!!~!!1!!

Went skydiving..obviously..with a certain Mr. Matt Leblanc...first time I've seen him since college and what a way to take me out!! We had a MARVELOUS time..seriously..conversation..we drove there ..2 hours..then waited 6 and a half hours to jump..and then had dinner..and drove another 2 hours home...and we had a fucking blast with each other. It's so nice to see people you knew when you were young...you don't have to pretend or feel each other out. You can just be your sarcastic witty selves, which Mr. Leblanc and I do extremely well :D

So yes. Skydiving..waited 6 and a half hours...through a few jumps and a broken plane..(got repaired while we were waiting..only time I felt nervous during the whole thing.)

We finally boarded the plane..Matt didn't even jump..he has a neck injury..the doctor grounded him for like 3 months, poor thing..but he paid for me and just wanted me to have a great time...go Matt!

So we boarded the plane...6 of us squashed up plus the pilot. It was opening day so the guys were so cool..so friendly and fun. Took us 45 minutes almost to get to 10,000 feet...then three guys in front of us jumped together..and my tandem instructor Corey and I moved to the door. He had me tuck my legs under the plane, and put my head on his shoulder. I thought there would be a lot more time sitting at the edge of the plane but nope..no sooner had we gotten there then he rolled us out.
Then we dropped for awhile at 160mph..it was insane..i didn't even have time to think omfg I'm dropping in the sky...Then he pulled the chute.

The chute pull was a bit violent..I have some battle scars, mostly on my head. I banged my head against his helment pretty hard, hard enough for it to daze me and for a huge lump to appear pretty quickly. My feet flew up and I almost kicked myself in the face lol...But he wrapped his legs around mine and got us under control pretty quickly.

Then it got quiet. Really quiet. He let me guide the chute by the pulls...we did some spins..they made me giggle. We basically spooned for 10,000 feet lol. His words not mine :)

It was INCREDIBLE. AMAZING..better than sex, better than anything I've ever experienced. It was so so so sos ososososoosos beautiful, and peaceful, and freeing. I'll never loose that image of the earth..just gliding toward it..gently..everything quiet and THE SUN SETTING. So amazing...our landing was ok..he fell over me a bit but i was so fucking happy i didn't care. Only wish it had lasted longer...

Coolest thing ever. ever ever..I'm so going back as much as I can. He gave me a student book..so when I start classes I'll have that jump on record :D

I suggest everyone go and spoon with Corey :D He's quite a good spooner.

On a more personal level...we were very very close tandem...it was ...exhilarating feeling someone that close to me again..with no stresses...we were both there to do a job somewhat. Incredible how falling from 10000 feet with another person so close on your back is such a personal experience. I'll never forget him.

Matt was amazing also..we laughed a lot. I wonder...

It's weird..when you get older...how rare it is just to find someone you can talk to like that...your expectations change.

So that was Saturday..and I slept at my sisters' house in Bourg.

Sunday I woke up hurting...from the jump I'm assuming. Makes me want to work out. :)

Marion and Christine got in an actual physical fight....Marion had Christine by the hair and they were both punching each other...and scratching..it was the most awful thing I've ever seen. And Kylie saw it..and started screaming and crying get off my mommy..let her go. I had long talks with both of them after. They said it was the first time they've ever come to blows...but it was ridiculous. The psychological reasons for it are very clear..Christine being the youngest of all of us feels like we don't see her as an adult..Marion talking to her in a certain tone...Christine being overly defensive, Marion's temper..I think she needs to get on Prozac like me...I had the same temper as her and it was ruining my life. Anyway..I don't know if I made progress but I tried to mediate and have some serious adult conversations about psychology, sisterhood, and communication.

I think I'll make a good psychologist.

After that Christine, Dustin and Kylie took off for New Orleans to visit my mom, and Marion, Codybuck and I went swimmming at Cody's mom's house...We were gettin a bit of sun while Cody played on the Bobcat (boys :P) and then it started pouring rain. Ugh..figures the one day I go swimming out of the entire summer it will rain. Booo.

Still had fun though, Marion and I talked a lot, about happy things :D

OH right..and Friday, we drove to Baton Rouge and visited Emily..I bought her car for 400 dollars...it's a 92 BUT she took excellent care of it..runs like a dream...new transmition..new tires...I love it. no radio or AC though, but that's fine, I'm simple. I'm happy with a car that runs, looks like it wont give me trouble, I also have my mp3 player to tote around with :)

Got to spend some good time with Emily while we were going through the buying/insurance process...I miss her so much..she's so lovely.

So, tomorrow I'm having coffee/water (I hate coffee!) with Patrick..who will hopefully become a good friend..he seems like fun..this will be date number 2 from the dating site..but I think this one will be a lot different than the alien/awol military guy with bad teeth. Patrick seems like someone I'd be friends with regardless.

I have to work on my project!! I wish I could block all these sites till this thursday...

Dedication :D

haha

I love how he signs off when he signs in. It's really funny...like I don't know that you are online just because you went invisible.

I'm not going to message you. Don't worry. You made it clear you don't want me in your life. And as much as I miss you..I don't want you to have the ability to hurt me anymore...which means not talking about you, not thinking about you, and not getting in touch with you.

You have a nice life...the one you chose for yourself..the one I have no place in.
I'm moving on..hadn't you heard? Tomorrow I'll jump out of a plane. Without you. Remember how we were going to do that? Just another promise you made that turned out to be a lie.

But I'm going to do it. And I'm going to think about you when I jump. I'm going to think about how you wish you were pushing me out..I know you do. Instead Matt will be there. Which is just fine with me.

Tomorrow night? I'll go on a date with John. John, the one I pushed out of my life for you. The one I hurt. Also the one who called me when I sent out a suicide note to my friends. Not the one who brushed me off, like you did. The one who told me that I deserve better, who said to me "You are the kind of girl that makes men feel afraid to be alone Jen." Poetry...I hurt him for you and he gives me infinite love and poetry.

But that's ok. I'll never turn my back on my friends again for a guy, you solved that for me.

I'm jumping out of a plane tomorrow...I'm so so excited...I wish it had been with you but you made your choice, and you've forced me to close my heart to you, the one person I never ever wanted to close my heart to.

Thank you for teaching me to be realistic the hard way.

zomfgggggg

I'm jumping out of a plane saturdayyyyy


i'm so excited!!!! Matt called me out of the blue and invited me to go with him, and he's paying for it...wowwwwwwww i love my friends...

I just ate shrimp stew

in less than 3 minutes.

o.m.g. goooooood

Ugh.

I'm going to concentrate on my research paper.

I can't believe how much I still want to be with him.

I'm trying to be realistic though. Realism will get me through all this..not idealism..not romanticism..

I refuse to let myself be happy in a situation that I'm not sure I can't trust.

After this last one...I can't trust. I need realistic facts.

Ok..update..date and potter.

Ok..Jesse was nice...very intelligent..quite obsessed with what he calls Archeoastronomy?

Something about aliens telling people round the mayan times to build stonehenge, pyramids, and other stuff. Kinda sent off my crazy bell but that wasn't the strongest factor..after all I'm not the sanest nut in the tree.

He had really bad teeth though. Like bad. Can't do that..sorry. But it was nice to spend a bit of time with someone low key..no akward moments...just straight up good conversation.

He's been to Iraq, Afganistan, and Kenya. Ouch. I think he might be Awol...he said something about not using his social security number in awhile so that they can't find him...

Yeah so...Guy called me last night..he was feeling a bit nostalgic and lonely..
You know it's funny..he's not as bad as I thought he was..some of the shady shit I believed he did, well it turns out he didn't.
I invited him over for dinner..so did my mom...(although she didn't tell me, she's sneaky like that). He came over..we watched a very typical Guy movie...realistic...artist..scotch drinker..just days in the life of this guy..he swooned over certain scenes like he always has done when he gets excited about photography. in revenge for making me watch that..I made him go with me to Harry Potter...which was horrible.

The highlight of the movie was the guy sleeping and snoring so loudly in the corner..we took turns throwing things at him and running up to him to get him to wake up lol.

I'm wondering if I threw away my marriage too quickly. There are a plethora of things I love about that man...I think I just got bored..and a bit annoyed at some of his traits. I told him we should maybe date again. He had mentioned it before.

I don't know...I miss him though. I don't know that I'm ready to fall in love again...Mike is still a bleeding wound...and Guy knows that.

Gonna work on my research project for the rest of the week and try to pass that class.

I has a date tonight...

His name is Jesse. He's 25..which is a bit young but he had the balls to write to me and ask me out anyway..so..props. We've been chatting all day..He's 6"3' which is a huge plus..I love tall men. He also just got out of FORT BRAGG PSYCH OPS special forces like last november. WTH. I swear it's not a prerequisite to date me. Quite strange really, just like Mike.

He lives exactly 5 streets away from me. We are meeting at the lawyer bar in the middle.

He also has a kitty around max's age..which is cool..if we like each other they can play together.

My friends have been protective to say the least..they have drilled it into me that I trust to easily..and I should make them earn my trust. I'm going to keep this in mind tonight when I meet this guy. I'm wearing pretty closed up clothes..I don't want to give him the idea that he's going to go home with me any time soon.

Not ready for that.

Should be pretty chill..we already make each other laugh in texts..gonna drink a few beers and laugh hopefully.

That's the best I can hope for. Someone who makes me laugh as much as Mike did.
And vice versa.

I'll blog about it when I get home.

OK!

Some news that doesn't revolve around Mike. My sister Christine kidnapped me yesterday from New Orleans and brought me to a metal show in houma. I'm not a big fan of metal..mostly becuase it gives me a horrible headache..but live it's actually pretty good.

There weren't a lot of people there. However the second band was from California..I started chatting with them..(because I love meeting people from other places)..heard some of their road stories..really nice guys. They decided they wanted to see New Orleans before they left..so I drove back to NO with them in their van..and decided to be their tour guide. We just hung around Uptown..got some food..everyone was exhausted by 1 am lol even me...

They took me home and I gave them A Love Song for Bobby Long. I think they will appreciate it.

One guy was obviously the dad..the drummer Brent. He made all the decisions, made them laugh, and held them together.

One guy was only 20..he was so adorable..he actually had a license for medical marijuana lol. He's going to go to school for growing :P

One guy was really sweet..His name was Greg..like a teddy bear.

Another was very attractive..his name was Rob..he was married though and obviously quite intelligent.

And the singer was a gemini. His name was Adam. He seemed quite fun but spent most of the night consoling his poor girlfriend on the phone :((

All in all, they were sweet and definitely cheered up my life getting to know them for that short time.

Today.

I feel abandoned.

Still so much pain...still in shock.

Here I stand head in hand,
Turn my face to the wall,
If she's gone I can't go on,
Feelin 2 foot small...

Everywhere people stare,
each and every day,
I can see them laugh at me,
and I hear them say....


Hey! You've got to hide your love away..
Hey! You've got to hide your love away..

How can I even try,
I can never win,
Hearing them, seeing them,
In the state I'm in...

How could she, say to me,
Love will find a way..
Gather round', all you clowns,
Let me hear you say..

Hey! You've got to hide your love away..
Hey! You've got to hide your love away..


Song of the day. People actually said to me yesterday that I need to learn to love less.
I'm so angry..and so hurt. I just never expected this in a million zillion years.

It's so hard man..so hard..

Hey! You've got to hide your love away...

ugh.

Well tonight was a bust. I couldn't get out of New Orleans. It's like a nightmare..I'm stuck here eternally.

Missing who Mike was. I'm going to write it like that from now on, because I don't know who he is anymore. I'm missing who he was.

I was hoping to take Max to play with Sassy.

God I need to get out of this city! I hate it so much. I can't move forward here.
I'm stuck.

I don't like any of the people here either.

Only person in this entire city I truly like is my ex Jeremy.

Maybe I'll ask him to come over and dye my hair blue or something.

How did my life become such fucking crap.

trying to get a ride to houma..

I'm trying to get my sister to come and get me so I can go to the Slowtheknife show tonight. Todd is going to pay my way into VIP so I can chill like a rock star. This presents a dilemma because I threw out all my punk rock and metal clothes. I'm at a loss as to what I should wear..I feel silly wearing that stuff anyhow. I'm really not into metal but Todd has actually turned out to be a really great friend.

When I sent that suicide message to my call list yesterday, he was the first to respond and called me, kept bothering me, and even into the night and this morning was checking up on me. Weird how life is like that..you think certain people play certain roles, and then 8 years can pass and their role becomes a very different one, or they become important when they weren't in the past.

Either way I'm grateful for everyone who wrote to me yesterday..except Mike of course, his texts were frustrating, weak and ridiculous..but even he helped me, by pissing me off..he moved me from suicidal to just plain angry. Jai especially has been very helpful during these times...we are going through something very similar..not only relationship/love wise but also lifewise. Creative souls sometimes get lost in the cracks. We have to try harder to maintain our own truths while balancing the reality of the day.

I deleted all his texts messages last night. Mike's I mean, and Katie's. I deleted their numbers from my phone and blocked them from my yahoo and msn. I almost deleted my myspace, because I know she is watching me, but then I remembered all the blogs I have there, my poetry and my pictures from turkey..so I decided against it. It's also hard to log into myspace and not check her status, but it hurts so much everytime..I've found the strength to stay away. Basically I'm torn..between moving on, forgetting about this and putting it behind me, and wanting to wait, not wanting him completely out of my life because I remember how sweet the love was. But I know the first option is best, especially after how he's treated me the past few days; he's made it clear he doesn't want me in his life in any form. It's best to think ill of him, get angry, think I was wrong about the love, it was more in my head, and to move on. To see him as a fail human instead of putting him on soulmate pedestal and having that hurt live in me forever.

I did that once with Chris Eaton. Took me 5 years and a very nasty night with him to realize he wasn't the person I remembered him being..that he was fallable, and capable of cruelty and mistake. Then I moved on. I put Mike on that same pedastal..except higher because I'm older and I truly was able to recognize our similarities and hope on a great future. I was wrong to do that...everyone is fallable, especially men.

Now I'm moving on. They have dissappeared from my life. I'm only sad we couldn't remain friends; we should've remained friends in the first place. Only we were so excited about our friendship that we let it take the next step. He wasn't ready.

Oh well. chalk it up to fucking life. I'll move on..thinking of moving to Durango..already started that conversation with my family there. Lots of white water rafting and mountains and hiking...I could submerge myself in work there for a year then go to a real liberal arts college. For journalism this time. I'm not going to turn my back on my talents anymore; I love to write and travel..time to get serious about my own life.

I wish them luck. I do. It hurts to have him out of my life but I don't want him in it in the form he has adopted.

That's all for now.

I have a new theory.

I've known for awhile that he is kind of a "go with the flow" kind of guy, until he finally puts his foot down, which can seem kind of sudden to those around him even if he has been thinking about it for awhile.

I think that he wasn't ready for a relationship of the intensity that we had. I knew this might happen, which is why I suggested that he spend some time for himself instead of us jumping right in. I had time after Guy left to get myself together and figure out what it was I wanted. He needed this time. He refused it because I think he's afraid of being alone. Did I scare him away? Possibly. However in my opinion it's more his fault. He let me think that everything was perfect and that he wanted this level of intensity instead of letting me know that he wasn't sure, that he wasn't ready, and that he was having doubts. The day you break up with someone is NOT the day that you should have this first conversation. It was really unfair to me.

Especially because if he had wanted to slow down, and take time for himself, I would have been supportive. But that wasn't it. He can't be alone. He spins from one person to the next. He spun right from me, and instead of deciding to take time for himself, he calls his wife the same day and tells her he loves her come back.

No one should ever work that fast. How can he think it's going to work when he hasn't given himself time to know himself or to heal? He hated her last week. I know hate and love are complicated emotions often walking side by side however, I'm pretty sure that he feels good being a martyr to his marriage and kids. Gemini's LOVE to be marytrs for causes. It's our very favorite thing. He must see self-sacrifice as the greatest feeling...which it can be..but I don't think this is the best thing for him.

Or her.

Or them.

Or last and least, me...

Strange Dreams.

I had a dream last night that Mike and I jumped from a plane together. As in using the same chute. But before we had jumped, our fathers had jumped together and something went wrong, they died in the air and all the debri from their wreckage was suspended in the air. This was like the worst thing possible with the least chance of survival for Mike and I because we were falling straight through all the wreckage.

Bolts and nuts came flying at us as we dropped at incredible speeds. We had to navigate the chute through the debri together..It was very difficult..life or death. But we did it. And after we got through the debri area...there was about 8 seconds of calm while we dropped the rest of the way to the ground. During those eight seconds, my dream was filled with such vivid images of the world from the sky..I hugged him and told him this was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Then we were on the ground and had to deal with our parents death.

I don't know what this means. I would ask him but yeah, that's not an option anymore.

oh bloody hell.

Where's my happy ending? My stupid friends have me watching Love, Actually as therapy.

Everyone gets someone in the end and ends up happy. It's bloody riDIKulous.

It is NOT making me feel better. Know what would make me feel better? Going to Fayettville and kicking a certain someone in the fucking balls.

I am a crazy blogger.

He doesn't care about me. I'm not even sure if he ever loved me. I know he thought he did.

It's ok. I'm glad. It's better to have a bubble burst and be angry than to be suicidal thinking you lost your greatest love.

And I did. What's true in our minds, is true, if only to us. I loved him like he was my greatest love. I would have continued to love him that way. But he wasn't deserving of that love. He was..he's not now. Anyone who could hurt me this much isn't who I thought they were. He hurt me so badly, I considered ending my life. But then I realized I'm mourning the loss of the love I felt for him and I thought he felt for me; I'm not mourning who he is really.

And that wisdom gives me the freedom to move on.

His life is not going to work out with his wife.

But that's not my concern anymore.

I deserve much much better than what he did to me.
I can't possibly love who he really is. If he was who I love..the person deserving of this love, he wouldn't have done this.

So, I'm moving on. Tomorrow will hurt, again, but I think I have the strength and wisdom now to see that not everyone loves like me. I love too hard. One day, I'll meet someone who deserves every bit of that happiness, every bit of that love, and returns it without hurting me. I thought this was Mike, but I was wrong.

So tired.

My dreams won't give me relief. I always wanted to dream of him, now I can't get rid of him. The newest one, we were in this tiny cabin. He was only here for one night.

His brother was on speakerphone (imaginary brother) and he was teasing me relentlessly. I told him I hate him.(his brother). In jest..but only half joking..my heart was breaking. Mike got mad at me. He lied down on the floor and put on a movie. I wanted to talk. He was obviously ignoring me. He took my foot in his hand and started stroking it absentmindedly. I started to cry. I tried to reason with him...I don't remember everything I said..my subconscious is trying hard to place an ending I can deal with on this situation. I feel like yesterday I was on top of the world and today I don't even know how to deal. I'm expecting him to text me, to tell me about his day, to say how much he loves me, and nothing comes. It won't come. It was too sudden. Feels like when my dad died..I didn't have a clue..I didn't see it coming. I wish I had talked to him more that day he went to the lawyer. But it hurt so badly to be apart from him...it was because I loved him so much that I couldn't talk that night. I know that gave him time to talk to Katie, or to think. I know I can't change this situation..but I can't help but think if I would have had more of a say in it if I had been there that night.


In my dream he just got frustrated. I could tell he's blocking it out. Us. I was trying to decide if I should make love to him..I knew it would be the last time, until he came back to me. But the hurt was so much. It's so hard to watch someone you love make the wrong decision. But sometimes you just have to I guess. They have to make their own choices and mistakes.

Every fiber of my being is screaming out that this is wrong. That this decision is wrong. That he is weak. But I can't do a damn thing about it. He won't listen, he won't change his mind. He's going to go through this again because he's such a good guy and he can't deal with the guilt of letting his family down. I know it's going to last awhile this time. Maybe another 4 or 5 years. I don't think he's strong enough to leave her for love, for his happiness. Eventually, yes, but not for awhile.

I feel like I'm dying.


All I can do is listen to Aimee Mann. Save Me.

You look like... a perfect fit,
For a girl in need... of a tourniquet.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.

'Cause I can tell... you know what it's like.
A long farewell... of the hunger strike.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.

You struck me dumb, Like radium
Like Peter Pan, or Superman,
You have come... to save me.
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
But the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.

Come on and save me...
Why don't you save me?
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who could never love anyone.

When will I see you again my love? My heart is breaking.

My friend is getting married soon.

We were looking at wedding dresses together. I tried to find the one I had based mine off when it was getting made in Turkey for Tolga and my wedding, but its been taken down.

I did find this though, and it reminded me of my dream.

I always wanted to get married on a beach in Utilla. Utilla is an island off the coast of Honduras. My family is from there. It's one of the top diving spots in the world. I've read a lot about it and seen pictures; one thing that warms my heart is that the whole island comes out for birthdays and weddings, things like that, and celebrates together. I'm related to probably half of them.

I thought it would be nice to get married at sunset, with torches going into the water.

I'd like to wear something quite like the dress I showed above, something flowy and lovely that moves like the water. I wanted to stand in the water, with my fiance and the person marrying us, while my family and closest friends stood on the beach, the lights over the reception area dimmed, all the seafood delights and the reggae band waiting till we exchanged our vows.

This hasn't happened. I think though that I'm going to have to start demanding that things happen in my life the way I want them too. Too much giving to others to make their dreams come true. I truly enjoy making them happy, but I've noticed most of my dreams are put on hold.

I'm having a rough time today. Every day. I'm not sure when it will get better, if ever. I think I'll have this pain in my soul (it's a soul pain, not a heart one) for a long time to come. But that's ok. It reminds me of what I really truly desire and deserve.

Tuesday

Pictures fail, but I didn't want to make the boys self-concious.

Turgay took me out to dinner/lunch, whatever Tuesday afternoon. I saw this crazy looking bug..I tried not to get too close..picture above.

He got me drunk, fast. I didn't want to drink, but he kept insisting on me tasting the Margaritas. They were yummy, I must admit. He made me laugh..it was very ironic having my husband console me from my recent breakup with my boyfriend. We discussed it quite loudly; he told me about this girl he saw who was in the escort business, and then I asked him if I could see Eva, his dog, (will always be our dog..but technically) and he told me he's not allowed to have any more girls at his house, and I cried, but I'm your wife! And the people at the next table got up and left. It was quite humorous.

It kept the tears away for a short time. Then I came home and well, that ended.

He wants me back. I don't want to be with him. I love him like a friend, a good friend, I care, but I will never be with him again in that way. I don't need to get hit over the head more than once, thank you very much.

First real thunderstorm we've had in a year.

It's coming down on top of my house. Again this reminds me of him. I wonder if he realizes how many dreams we created together in such a short time.

Anyway, of course I had to go and play in the rain. It felt wonderful.

I'm trying. I'm trying hard.

I'm trying hard to leave him alone. I know he has to go through this. I know it was too fast..I told him that. Know what his response was? "I know what love comes my way." Beautiful right? Geminis have a way with words. I've used them in the past for not so great reasons. I used to outwit and convince my ex fiance of my love for him when he would doubt. His doubt was true, but I used those beautiful words to make him believe what I wanted him to believe. After that relationship, I gave up using my words that way. I wanted only truth in my life. That's what I've had so far. My conscience is clear.

I know he is using his words on his wife. I know he's using them to convince her to come back, that he loves her. I know it..I know him. Again I know he has to go through this. There is nothing I can say or do at this point. I have to put my trust in our love, I have to trust him that when it comes time, he'll be strong.

Katie called him weak. She warned me that he's weak. She told me many things about him that I didn't believe. She tried to get me to hate him. I could never believe the things she said. I know he isn't perfect, but he's exactly right for me.

My mood is changing into something else. ... the pain is subsiding and a determination is setting in. Maybe I'm naive to still believe in fairy tales, to still believe that magic is real and possible, to believe that we are given a chance at a love so great that the obstacles to have it in our lives are astronomic. I've tasted it..I know it's there. I know who it's in. I know where he is, I know what he's going through. And I'm not going to give up on us. I'm not going to interfere, but I'm not going to shut down my heart. I can't. I love him with every fiber of my being. I love him from my head to my toes with every particle every possible inch of my soul that could possibly be engaged in loving him is dedicated to trusting the universe that we will be together one day.

Life would be too, too cruel a place to live in where a person would find this love then loose it forever after such a short time.

I can't believe the world is a place like that. I couldn't live in it if it was. So I will hope. I will stay. I will wait, patiently, for us to come together again. This time when he is truly ready.

I love you Mikey.

some appropriate thoughts.

"I've seen him with a woman that he can't get enough of. A woman that's crawled into every molecule of his being. That consumed his every thought and turned him into a creature of devotion and obsession. I have the scars of that love on my face, have ya told her about that? Have you told her about the difference between true love and a warm bed to pass the time away?"

-bobby long. appropriate because I am that woman. she is not.

"Friend, my enemy, I call you out. You, you, you there with a bad thorn in your side. You there, my friend, with a winning air. Who pawned the lie on me when he looked brassly at my shyest secret. With my whole heart under your hammer. That though I loved him for his faults as much as for his good. My friend were an enemy upon stilts with his head in a cunning cloud."

-dylan thomas. one of my favorite quotes of all time. so appropriate for so many reasons.

"We die only once, and for such a long time."

-Molière

"We cannot tear out a single page of our lives, but we can throw the whole book in the fire."

-George Sands.

I'm driving down Claiborne today

And I see the Shell station and John and Ian are talking about how after 3 am it's not a great time to be here..and I think of him.

I go to my ImageShack page to take down some pictures of myself I don't want to share anymore and I see him there, smiling, his beautiful face and body.

I'm trying hard not to open and look at his pictures. I don't want to cry anymore. I just want it to not hurt.

I wonder if he saved mine. Of course not, it wouldn't be his style. He erased them from his computer just like he erased me from his life. Just a few clicks, a small yahoo conversation, a text telling me this is the last time he will write, see you next lifetime, and goodbye.

That's all it takes to have someone out of your life. A few clicks. a non reply. There's nothing I can do. And I miss him terribly. I miss our conversations, I miss loving him, no, being free to love him. I miss all the days we will never have together. He'll never push me out a plane, that's a big one. I'll never buy him another snowball that makes his tongue turn red. We'll never type the same idea or say the same thing at the same time again. We'll never rock rock band. We'll never go hiking together, or to Spain. I'll never have a chance to love his dogs, or feel his expensive sheets. I'll never run my hands over his beautiful skin again..thats a big one. I'll never make him smile. He'll never hold me and kiss me and lay me down to make gentle missionary love, the best missionary love. We'll never get to explore beyond that. We thought we had time. All the time in the world. He ended us with a few clicks.

I'm in so much pain. I never thought anything could hurt this badly. This is as bad as when my dad died. I'm mourning for a future I'll never have.

I don't know if I'll even get through this blog all the way.
Maybe, maybe not.

I spent all last night puking. Maybe this isn't the best place to start.

Mike broke with me yesterday. Just writing these words seems surreal. And when I look back on it..on everything..I really shouldn't be surprised. I love him because he's my soul mate, and because he is exactly the kind of man who doesn't give up on his family. Katie included. He'd rather suffer through that marriage..try to make it work..try to make himself love her, and you know what? Maybe this was enough of a wake-up call for her to become someone he can love, the person he fell in love with a long time ago. I can't go as far through my pain to say that I hope she made and makes that change...obviously I hope eventually he realizes that he can't be with her. That she's not right for him. He knows this already but those kids are a huge huge factor. His love for them is way stronger than his love for me or her. Which is as it should be.

I feel a bit proud of him, which is maybe naive. I am naive. I was naive to think this fairytale would work out. But it was so strong...so full of love.. so amazing..I thought maybe God was finally done..I thought he finally gave us both a gift. A true one. Our love. I was wrong. Well, he gave it too late.

I do believe in miracles. I'm not going to bother him. I want him to give this his all. I want him to see his children grow up. How could he love me completely anyway if I'm part of the reason for their seperation? I understand. Really I do. I also know it wasn't supposed to happen this way. Those kids were supposed to be our kids. Does that sound psycho? Maybe lol. I don't mean it in a psycho way..I just mean that we made the wrong decisions...I'm not surprised..if you knew him and I..we are like rolling stones. We let the wind take us and shrug and adjust when we get there.

We should have been stronger. For each other. I wish I just wish I had known...I wish I had known I wish I had known..I wish I had known that he was there.. God why didn't I know. Why did we choose this path this time. It's really painful for me. He has his children. He has Katie, whether or not, he has his family. I feel like I'm supposed to be his family. We were supposed to be that family. Just so late...just so late. so goddamn late for us to find each other.

I've never ever loved anyone like this before. I've never ever met anyone I even came close to loving like this before. He changed me. He let me feel love and feel normal..feel like I was understood and not a Pariah for the first time in my life, his love did that to me. And it was over so fast, we never had a chance. 6 short days I saw him..the best days of my life...And I knew that the future with him would only be better, full of better and better days.

I know they weren't the best days of his though. I know days with his girls trump that. And again, that's the point, I've been around parents long enough to understand that nothing compares to that love and that need to protect them from harm, mental, emotional, physical. It's a powerful thing, I can't blame him for it. The men who don't feel that aren't worth being with.

What more is there to say. I hope one day we can be together. Robin told me a story about her dad..said he stayed with her mom until the kids were grown, then he left and went back and found his true love. She left her family and they started again, together, where they had left off 20 years before.

I'm not going to sit around 15 years till those kids graduate. I'm going to live my life. I'll always have him in my heart though, how can I not..he's my soul mate. I know that. If one day we have another chance, a real chance, how amazing that would be. What a gift.

I've been thinking. I talked to a friend of mine the other day. The universe bashed him on the heart to give him the gift of writing...he wished for it. The universe is not kind in its lessons. This heartbreak, followed by so many other heartbreaks..well I think the universe is trying to teach me my lesson. And this time I'm listening, God, I'm so listening. I don't want to go through this pain ever again. I know I've been wishing for some guidance for a long time..to stand on my own two feet..to have a life direction that is mine and mine alone, not influenced by anyone or anything. This is something I wished for a long time. The other day I was sitting and I wished for two things to manifest in my life. One was my continued relationship with Mike, and another was for me to find my dedication and direction. I've been wishing for the second one for a much longer time and I think, because the world is a cruel bitch, it took the opportunity to use this as a very very hard lesson. I was about to give up my world for him. My direction, everything. I don't think that was the right choice.

I'm going to listen. I'm going to find my path. I'm not going to let anyone else distract me. And if he comes back he will find I am a soft soft place for him to fall.

These are some of the hardest days of my life. But I will not give up. I will work harder. I will become the person I know I am capable of becoming. Then I won't ever have to ask again if I'm not good enough.