"What's it like to be the most beautiful girl in New Orleans?"
WEll...
that's cheesy. But I think he actually means it.
Anywho...
Went to Mandina's tonight..I had soft shelled crab covered in a Menuire sauce. with almonds. beautiful.
John's really great to me.
Tonight Todd flew in from Europe and told me all about his trip. I really wish I had the money to go. One day.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Totally rocked it!
Tomorrow is my presentation...and I totally rocked the powerpoint assignment. It's gong to go smoothly I think.
Saw my cousin today, and his chillins :) They are adorable!
Operation Makeover John is about to be in effect in a few minutes.
I was willing to let it go but he reminded me. I can't believe it..lol...he must be secretly willing to let me make him pimp.
Found some old yahoo messages from Mike..all about how we were soulmates and nothing would stop us from being together, etc etc.
If I didn't love him so much, I'd totally hate him. It bounces back and forth..like they say..there's a thin line between love and hate.
My head feels better now but my shoulders are KILLING ME. I need a massage.
Sassy has to go...she is smelly and won't let me give her a flea bath. Gonna have to travel back to Bourg stepdad's orders.
Mom's thinking of renting out the guest room. I think this is a fabulous idea if the person isn't crazy or loud.
I'm going to be visiting Bourg a lot more, and Houma. I miss Matt and my sisters. I think I'm going to stay here though..I'm getting excited about school next semester...I get to do independent research on actual people. How cool is that.
Saw my cousin today, and his chillins :) They are adorable!
Operation Makeover John is about to be in effect in a few minutes.
I was willing to let it go but he reminded me. I can't believe it..lol...he must be secretly willing to let me make him pimp.
Found some old yahoo messages from Mike..all about how we were soulmates and nothing would stop us from being together, etc etc.
If I didn't love him so much, I'd totally hate him. It bounces back and forth..like they say..there's a thin line between love and hate.
My head feels better now but my shoulders are KILLING ME. I need a massage.
Sassy has to go...she is smelly and won't let me give her a flea bath. Gonna have to travel back to Bourg stepdad's orders.
Mom's thinking of renting out the guest room. I think this is a fabulous idea if the person isn't crazy or loud.
I'm going to be visiting Bourg a lot more, and Houma. I miss Matt and my sisters. I think I'm going to stay here though..I'm getting excited about school next semester...I get to do independent research on actual people. How cool is that.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
holy crap!
Corey just told me that a tandem jump is 199 dollars. That means Matt paid 199 dollars for me to jump, plus gas money..at least 40 bucks..plus he bought us dinner..20 bucks..all to watch me have a good time and for us to hang out.
Wow..
Now that's a friend.
When I think how much fucking money I spent on Mikey..he never offered to pay for a thing.
I'd like to send him a bill for close to a thousand..that's how much money I spent on him in the short time I knew him.
Anyway I'm getting pissed and missing my point. Point is, Matt Leblanc rocks my socks..he already did regardless..I just didn't realize it was that expensive!!
John, musician John, is in Minneapolis. He wants to fly me up there lol. I don't think that's going to happen :P
Wow..
Now that's a friend.
When I think how much fucking money I spent on Mikey..he never offered to pay for a thing.
I'd like to send him a bill for close to a thousand..that's how much money I spent on him in the short time I knew him.
Anyway I'm getting pissed and missing my point. Point is, Matt Leblanc rocks my socks..he already did regardless..I just didn't realize it was that expensive!!
John, musician John, is in Minneapolis. He wants to fly me up there lol. I don't think that's going to happen :P
There's a party in my tummy!
I ate potatoes today in TWO forms...mashed and fried. Oh lawd.
I have whiplash and a large bump on my head from the jump. I've been sleeping like a crazy person because of it. I am extremely scatterbrained for example..I can't remember why I wanted to write this blog all day when I finally have gotten here in front of the computer to write it.
A bit of a problem..
So tomorrow is Operation Makeover John. This will be great fun. Starting with socks. The man wears tennis socks and cargo shorts. No. I will draw him diagrams lol. He's being a good sport about it. His words on the subject were.."Would you believe it if I told you that I've never worn anything that wasn't given to me for my birthday or Christmas?" To that I provided an answer of a very serious "Yes."
Hmm what else. I went on another blind date last night. Another major fail. And I knew it would be gay when I went...I had a feeling about the dude. I'm going to start trusting my instincts and NOT hope for the best lol.
Having two cats is a bit stinky. I have to remedy that with some good litter I believe.
What else..mom was crazy today..she needed her medicine. She was talking a mile a minute and it was hilarious. I took her to CVS and got her icecream and pills lol.
She's crashed now.
Tonight going to go out around 1 with the NOPD..should be a good time.
I have whiplash and a large bump on my head from the jump. I've been sleeping like a crazy person because of it. I am extremely scatterbrained for example..I can't remember why I wanted to write this blog all day when I finally have gotten here in front of the computer to write it.
A bit of a problem..
So tomorrow is Operation Makeover John. This will be great fun. Starting with socks. The man wears tennis socks and cargo shorts. No. I will draw him diagrams lol. He's being a good sport about it. His words on the subject were.."Would you believe it if I told you that I've never worn anything that wasn't given to me for my birthday or Christmas?" To that I provided an answer of a very serious "Yes."
Hmm what else. I went on another blind date last night. Another major fail. And I knew it would be gay when I went...I had a feeling about the dude. I'm going to start trusting my instincts and NOT hope for the best lol.
Having two cats is a bit stinky. I have to remedy that with some good litter I believe.
What else..mom was crazy today..she needed her medicine. She was talking a mile a minute and it was hilarious. I took her to CVS and got her icecream and pills lol.
She's crashed now.
Tonight going to go out around 1 with the NOPD..should be a good time.
Monday, July 27, 2009
O.M.G.
Ok I forgot some of the drama of this weekend.
Todd's girlfriend...yeah..wtf..he has a girlfriend? news to me.
called me LIVID about our relationship. I had to calm her down and tell her the last time we were together was 8 years ago, give or take.
WTF Todd..you could have told me you had a girlfriend. We have been making plans to hang out...they always fell through but he's been a good friend to me. Why don't guys tell me they are married, have girlfriends, whatever. WTF is wrong with ya'll.
And before that, a lover. And as lovers go..there was some flirtation in the past.
She found some pics and text messages from awhile back.
I felt soooo bad for her. I didn't want to tell her the obvious, that Todd is not a one woman man..he has never been.
I told her the truth..I hope they can work it out or she can find someone better. I won't talk to him unless they are broken up...I have no desire to be with Todd beyond as a friend.
She's been messaging me about things and I'm just being completely honest with her.
Other news..I'm in major pain from this jump...my head hurts bad where I conked it.
and some whiplash I believe.
Rescued Sassy from my sisters...she hadn't eaten in like a week..I'm going to keep her as long as I can. Max loves her, and here she's getting fed and not being tortured.
I missed my "date" this morning..no big deal he said..next day off. I was in so much pain I slept through the morning. I think he's going to be a friend anyway, which is way more awesome than anything else.
Next Saturday I'm trying out for Roller Derby. I can't wait..it's going to be super fucking amazing. Even though I'll fall on my face ;)
Todd's girlfriend...yeah..wtf..he has a girlfriend? news to me.
called me LIVID about our relationship. I had to calm her down and tell her the last time we were together was 8 years ago, give or take.
WTF Todd..you could have told me you had a girlfriend. We have been making plans to hang out...they always fell through but he's been a good friend to me. Why don't guys tell me they are married, have girlfriends, whatever. WTF is wrong with ya'll.
And before that, a lover. And as lovers go..there was some flirtation in the past.
She found some pics and text messages from awhile back.
I felt soooo bad for her. I didn't want to tell her the obvious, that Todd is not a one woman man..he has never been.
I told her the truth..I hope they can work it out or she can find someone better. I won't talk to him unless they are broken up...I have no desire to be with Todd beyond as a friend.
She's been messaging me about things and I'm just being completely honest with her.
Other news..I'm in major pain from this jump...my head hurts bad where I conked it.
and some whiplash I believe.
Rescued Sassy from my sisters...she hadn't eaten in like a week..I'm going to keep her as long as I can. Max loves her, and here she's getting fed and not being tortured.
I missed my "date" this morning..no big deal he said..next day off. I was in so much pain I slept through the morning. I think he's going to be a friend anyway, which is way more awesome than anything else.
Next Saturday I'm trying out for Roller Derby. I can't wait..it's going to be super fucking amazing. Even though I'll fall on my face ;)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Alright!
This weekend was R-O-C-K-I-N!!~!!1!!
Went skydiving..obviously..with a certain Mr. Matt Leblanc...first time I've seen him since college and what a way to take me out!! We had a MARVELOUS time..seriously..conversation..we drove there ..2 hours..then waited 6 and a half hours to jump..and then had dinner..and drove another 2 hours home...and we had a fucking blast with each other. It's so nice to see people you knew when you were young...you don't have to pretend or feel each other out. You can just be your sarcastic witty selves, which Mr. Leblanc and I do extremely well :D
So yes. Skydiving..waited 6 and a half hours...through a few jumps and a broken plane..(got repaired while we were waiting..only time I felt nervous during the whole thing.)
We finally boarded the plane..Matt didn't even jump..he has a neck injury..the doctor grounded him for like 3 months, poor thing..but he paid for me and just wanted me to have a great time...go Matt!
So we boarded the plane...6 of us squashed up plus the pilot. It was opening day so the guys were so cool..so friendly and fun. Took us 45 minutes almost to get to 10,000 feet...then three guys in front of us jumped together..and my tandem instructor Corey and I moved to the door. He had me tuck my legs under the plane, and put my head on his shoulder. I thought there would be a lot more time sitting at the edge of the plane but nope..no sooner had we gotten there then he rolled us out.
Then we dropped for awhile at 160mph..it was insane..i didn't even have time to think omfg I'm dropping in the sky...Then he pulled the chute.
The chute pull was a bit violent..I have some battle scars, mostly on my head. I banged my head against his helment pretty hard, hard enough for it to daze me and for a huge lump to appear pretty quickly. My feet flew up and I almost kicked myself in the face lol...But he wrapped his legs around mine and got us under control pretty quickly.
Then it got quiet. Really quiet. He let me guide the chute by the pulls...we did some spins..they made me giggle. We basically spooned for 10,000 feet lol. His words not mine :)
It was INCREDIBLE. AMAZING..better than sex, better than anything I've ever experienced. It was so so so sos ososososoosos beautiful, and peaceful, and freeing. I'll never loose that image of the earth..just gliding toward it..gently..everything quiet and THE SUN SETTING. So amazing...our landing was ok..he fell over me a bit but i was so fucking happy i didn't care. Only wish it had lasted longer...
Coolest thing ever. ever ever..I'm so going back as much as I can. He gave me a student book..so when I start classes I'll have that jump on record :D
I suggest everyone go and spoon with Corey :D He's quite a good spooner.
On a more personal level...we were very very close tandem...it was ...exhilarating feeling someone that close to me again..with no stresses...we were both there to do a job somewhat. Incredible how falling from 10000 feet with another person so close on your back is such a personal experience. I'll never forget him.
Matt was amazing also..we laughed a lot. I wonder...
It's weird..when you get older...how rare it is just to find someone you can talk to like that...your expectations change.
So that was Saturday..and I slept at my sisters' house in Bourg.
Sunday I woke up hurting...from the jump I'm assuming. Makes me want to work out. :)
Marion and Christine got in an actual physical fight....Marion had Christine by the hair and they were both punching each other...and scratching..it was the most awful thing I've ever seen. And Kylie saw it..and started screaming and crying get off my mommy..let her go. I had long talks with both of them after. They said it was the first time they've ever come to blows...but it was ridiculous. The psychological reasons for it are very clear..Christine being the youngest of all of us feels like we don't see her as an adult..Marion talking to her in a certain tone...Christine being overly defensive, Marion's temper..I think she needs to get on Prozac like me...I had the same temper as her and it was ruining my life. Anyway..I don't know if I made progress but I tried to mediate and have some serious adult conversations about psychology, sisterhood, and communication.
I think I'll make a good psychologist.
After that Christine, Dustin and Kylie took off for New Orleans to visit my mom, and Marion, Codybuck and I went swimmming at Cody's mom's house...We were gettin a bit of sun while Cody played on the Bobcat (boys :P) and then it started pouring rain. Ugh..figures the one day I go swimming out of the entire summer it will rain. Booo.
Still had fun though, Marion and I talked a lot, about happy things :D
OH right..and Friday, we drove to Baton Rouge and visited Emily..I bought her car for 400 dollars...it's a 92 BUT she took excellent care of it..runs like a dream...new transmition..new tires...I love it. no radio or AC though, but that's fine, I'm simple. I'm happy with a car that runs, looks like it wont give me trouble, I also have my mp3 player to tote around with :)
Got to spend some good time with Emily while we were going through the buying/insurance process...I miss her so much..she's so lovely.
So, tomorrow I'm having coffee/water (I hate coffee!) with Patrick..who will hopefully become a good friend..he seems like fun..this will be date number 2 from the dating site..but I think this one will be a lot different than the alien/awol military guy with bad teeth. Patrick seems like someone I'd be friends with regardless.
I have to work on my project!! I wish I could block all these sites till this thursday...
Dedication :D
Friday, July 24, 2009
haha
I love how he signs off when he signs in. It's really funny...like I don't know that you are online just because you went invisible.
I'm not going to message you. Don't worry. You made it clear you don't want me in your life. And as much as I miss you..I don't want you to have the ability to hurt me anymore...which means not talking about you, not thinking about you, and not getting in touch with you.
You have a nice life...the one you chose for yourself..the one I have no place in.
I'm moving on..hadn't you heard? Tomorrow I'll jump out of a plane. Without you. Remember how we were going to do that? Just another promise you made that turned out to be a lie.
But I'm going to do it. And I'm going to think about you when I jump. I'm going to think about how you wish you were pushing me out..I know you do. Instead Matt will be there. Which is just fine with me.
Tomorrow night? I'll go on a date with John. John, the one I pushed out of my life for you. The one I hurt. Also the one who called me when I sent out a suicide note to my friends. Not the one who brushed me off, like you did. The one who told me that I deserve better, who said to me "You are the kind of girl that makes men feel afraid to be alone Jen." Poetry...I hurt him for you and he gives me infinite love and poetry.
But that's ok. I'll never turn my back on my friends again for a guy, you solved that for me.
I'm jumping out of a plane tomorrow...I'm so so excited...I wish it had been with you but you made your choice, and you've forced me to close my heart to you, the one person I never ever wanted to close my heart to.
Thank you for teaching me to be realistic the hard way.
I'm not going to message you. Don't worry. You made it clear you don't want me in your life. And as much as I miss you..I don't want you to have the ability to hurt me anymore...which means not talking about you, not thinking about you, and not getting in touch with you.
You have a nice life...the one you chose for yourself..the one I have no place in.
I'm moving on..hadn't you heard? Tomorrow I'll jump out of a plane. Without you. Remember how we were going to do that? Just another promise you made that turned out to be a lie.
But I'm going to do it. And I'm going to think about you when I jump. I'm going to think about how you wish you were pushing me out..I know you do. Instead Matt will be there. Which is just fine with me.
Tomorrow night? I'll go on a date with John. John, the one I pushed out of my life for you. The one I hurt. Also the one who called me when I sent out a suicide note to my friends. Not the one who brushed me off, like you did. The one who told me that I deserve better, who said to me "You are the kind of girl that makes men feel afraid to be alone Jen." Poetry...I hurt him for you and he gives me infinite love and poetry.
But that's ok. I'll never turn my back on my friends again for a guy, you solved that for me.
I'm jumping out of a plane tomorrow...I'm so so excited...I wish it had been with you but you made your choice, and you've forced me to close my heart to you, the one person I never ever wanted to close my heart to.
Thank you for teaching me to be realistic the hard way.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
zomfgggggg
I'm jumping out of a plane saturdayyyyy
i'm so excited!!!! Matt called me out of the blue and invited me to go with him, and he's paying for it...wowwwwwwww i love my friends...
i'm so excited!!!! Matt called me out of the blue and invited me to go with him, and he's paying for it...wowwwwwwww i love my friends...
Ugh.
I'm going to concentrate on my research paper.
I can't believe how much I still want to be with him.
I'm trying to be realistic though. Realism will get me through all this..not idealism..not romanticism..
I refuse to let myself be happy in a situation that I'm not sure I can't trust.
After this last one...I can't trust. I need realistic facts.
I can't believe how much I still want to be with him.
I'm trying to be realistic though. Realism will get me through all this..not idealism..not romanticism..
I refuse to let myself be happy in a situation that I'm not sure I can't trust.
After this last one...I can't trust. I need realistic facts.
Ok..update..date and potter.
Ok..Jesse was nice...very intelligent..quite obsessed with what he calls Archeoastronomy?
Something about aliens telling people round the mayan times to build stonehenge, pyramids, and other stuff. Kinda sent off my crazy bell but that wasn't the strongest factor..after all I'm not the sanest nut in the tree.
He had really bad teeth though. Like bad. Can't do that..sorry. But it was nice to spend a bit of time with someone low key..no akward moments...just straight up good conversation.
He's been to Iraq, Afganistan, and Kenya. Ouch. I think he might be Awol...he said something about not using his social security number in awhile so that they can't find him...
Yeah so...Guy called me last night..he was feeling a bit nostalgic and lonely..
You know it's funny..he's not as bad as I thought he was..some of the shady shit I believed he did, well it turns out he didn't.
I invited him over for dinner..so did my mom...(although she didn't tell me, she's sneaky like that). He came over..we watched a very typical Guy movie...realistic...artist..scotch drinker..just days in the life of this guy..he swooned over certain scenes like he always has done when he gets excited about photography. in revenge for making me watch that..I made him go with me to Harry Potter...which was horrible.
The highlight of the movie was the guy sleeping and snoring so loudly in the corner..we took turns throwing things at him and running up to him to get him to wake up lol.
I'm wondering if I threw away my marriage too quickly. There are a plethora of things I love about that man...I think I just got bored..and a bit annoyed at some of his traits. I told him we should maybe date again. He had mentioned it before.
I don't know...I miss him though. I don't know that I'm ready to fall in love again...Mike is still a bleeding wound...and Guy knows that.
Gonna work on my research project for the rest of the week and try to pass that class.
Something about aliens telling people round the mayan times to build stonehenge, pyramids, and other stuff. Kinda sent off my crazy bell but that wasn't the strongest factor..after all I'm not the sanest nut in the tree.
He had really bad teeth though. Like bad. Can't do that..sorry. But it was nice to spend a bit of time with someone low key..no akward moments...just straight up good conversation.
He's been to Iraq, Afganistan, and Kenya. Ouch. I think he might be Awol...he said something about not using his social security number in awhile so that they can't find him...
Yeah so...Guy called me last night..he was feeling a bit nostalgic and lonely..
You know it's funny..he's not as bad as I thought he was..some of the shady shit I believed he did, well it turns out he didn't.
I invited him over for dinner..so did my mom...(although she didn't tell me, she's sneaky like that). He came over..we watched a very typical Guy movie...realistic...artist..scotch drinker..just days in the life of this guy..he swooned over certain scenes like he always has done when he gets excited about photography. in revenge for making me watch that..I made him go with me to Harry Potter...which was horrible.
The highlight of the movie was the guy sleeping and snoring so loudly in the corner..we took turns throwing things at him and running up to him to get him to wake up lol.
I'm wondering if I threw away my marriage too quickly. There are a plethora of things I love about that man...I think I just got bored..and a bit annoyed at some of his traits. I told him we should maybe date again. He had mentioned it before.
I don't know...I miss him though. I don't know that I'm ready to fall in love again...Mike is still a bleeding wound...and Guy knows that.
Gonna work on my research project for the rest of the week and try to pass that class.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I has a date tonight...
His name is Jesse. He's 25..which is a bit young but he had the balls to write to me and ask me out anyway..so..props. We've been chatting all day..He's 6"3' which is a huge plus..I love tall men. He also just got out of FORT BRAGG PSYCH OPS special forces like last november. WTH. I swear it's not a prerequisite to date me. Quite strange really, just like Mike.
He lives exactly 5 streets away from me. We are meeting at the lawyer bar in the middle.
He also has a kitty around max's age..which is cool..if we like each other they can play together.
My friends have been protective to say the least..they have drilled it into me that I trust to easily..and I should make them earn my trust. I'm going to keep this in mind tonight when I meet this guy. I'm wearing pretty closed up clothes..I don't want to give him the idea that he's going to go home with me any time soon.
Not ready for that.
Should be pretty chill..we already make each other laugh in texts..gonna drink a few beers and laugh hopefully.
That's the best I can hope for. Someone who makes me laugh as much as Mike did.
And vice versa.
I'll blog about it when I get home.
He lives exactly 5 streets away from me. We are meeting at the lawyer bar in the middle.
He also has a kitty around max's age..which is cool..if we like each other they can play together.
My friends have been protective to say the least..they have drilled it into me that I trust to easily..and I should make them earn my trust. I'm going to keep this in mind tonight when I meet this guy. I'm wearing pretty closed up clothes..I don't want to give him the idea that he's going to go home with me any time soon.
Not ready for that.
Should be pretty chill..we already make each other laugh in texts..gonna drink a few beers and laugh hopefully.
That's the best I can hope for. Someone who makes me laugh as much as Mike did.
And vice versa.
I'll blog about it when I get home.
Monday, July 20, 2009
OK!
Some news that doesn't revolve around Mike. My sister Christine kidnapped me yesterday from New Orleans and brought me to a metal show in houma. I'm not a big fan of metal..mostly becuase it gives me a horrible headache..but live it's actually pretty good.
There weren't a lot of people there. However the second band was from California..I started chatting with them..(because I love meeting people from other places)..heard some of their road stories..really nice guys. They decided they wanted to see New Orleans before they left..so I drove back to NO with them in their van..and decided to be their tour guide. We just hung around Uptown..got some food..everyone was exhausted by 1 am lol even me...
They took me home and I gave them A Love Song for Bobby Long. I think they will appreciate it.
One guy was obviously the dad..the drummer Brent. He made all the decisions, made them laugh, and held them together.
One guy was only 20..he was so adorable..he actually had a license for medical marijuana lol. He's going to go to school for growing :P
One guy was really sweet..His name was Greg..like a teddy bear.
Another was very attractive..his name was Rob..he was married though and obviously quite intelligent.
And the singer was a gemini. His name was Adam. He seemed quite fun but spent most of the night consoling his poor girlfriend on the phone :((
All in all, they were sweet and definitely cheered up my life getting to know them for that short time.
There weren't a lot of people there. However the second band was from California..I started chatting with them..(because I love meeting people from other places)..heard some of their road stories..really nice guys. They decided they wanted to see New Orleans before they left..so I drove back to NO with them in their van..and decided to be their tour guide. We just hung around Uptown..got some food..everyone was exhausted by 1 am lol even me...
They took me home and I gave them A Love Song for Bobby Long. I think they will appreciate it.
One guy was obviously the dad..the drummer Brent. He made all the decisions, made them laugh, and held them together.
One guy was only 20..he was so adorable..he actually had a license for medical marijuana lol. He's going to go to school for growing :P
One guy was really sweet..His name was Greg..like a teddy bear.
Another was very attractive..his name was Rob..he was married though and obviously quite intelligent.
And the singer was a gemini. His name was Adam. He seemed quite fun but spent most of the night consoling his poor girlfriend on the phone :((
All in all, they were sweet and definitely cheered up my life getting to know them for that short time.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Today.
I feel abandoned.
Still so much pain...still in shock.
Here I stand head in hand,
Turn my face to the wall,
If she's gone I can't go on,
Feelin 2 foot small...
Everywhere people stare,
each and every day,
I can see them laugh at me,
and I hear them say....
Hey! You've got to hide your love away..
Hey! You've got to hide your love away..
How can I even try,
I can never win,
Hearing them, seeing them,
In the state I'm in...
How could she, say to me,
Love will find a way..
Gather round', all you clowns,
Let me hear you say..
Hey! You've got to hide your love away..
Hey! You've got to hide your love away..
Song of the day. People actually said to me yesterday that I need to learn to love less.
I'm so angry..and so hurt. I just never expected this in a million zillion years.
It's so hard man..so hard..
Hey! You've got to hide your love away...
Still so much pain...still in shock.
Here I stand head in hand,
Turn my face to the wall,
If she's gone I can't go on,
Feelin 2 foot small...
Everywhere people stare,
each and every day,
I can see them laugh at me,
and I hear them say....
Hey! You've got to hide your love away..
Hey! You've got to hide your love away..
How can I even try,
I can never win,
Hearing them, seeing them,
In the state I'm in...
How could she, say to me,
Love will find a way..
Gather round', all you clowns,
Let me hear you say..
Hey! You've got to hide your love away..
Hey! You've got to hide your love away..
Song of the day. People actually said to me yesterday that I need to learn to love less.
I'm so angry..and so hurt. I just never expected this in a million zillion years.
It's so hard man..so hard..
Hey! You've got to hide your love away...
Friday, July 17, 2009
ugh.
Well tonight was a bust. I couldn't get out of New Orleans. It's like a nightmare..I'm stuck here eternally.
Missing who Mike was. I'm going to write it like that from now on, because I don't know who he is anymore. I'm missing who he was.
I was hoping to take Max to play with Sassy.
God I need to get out of this city! I hate it so much. I can't move forward here.
I'm stuck.
I don't like any of the people here either.
Only person in this entire city I truly like is my ex Jeremy.
Maybe I'll ask him to come over and dye my hair blue or something.
How did my life become such fucking crap.
Missing who Mike was. I'm going to write it like that from now on, because I don't know who he is anymore. I'm missing who he was.
I was hoping to take Max to play with Sassy.
God I need to get out of this city! I hate it so much. I can't move forward here.
I'm stuck.
I don't like any of the people here either.
Only person in this entire city I truly like is my ex Jeremy.
Maybe I'll ask him to come over and dye my hair blue or something.
How did my life become such fucking crap.
trying to get a ride to houma..
I'm trying to get my sister to come and get me so I can go to the Slowtheknife show tonight. Todd is going to pay my way into VIP so I can chill like a rock star. This presents a dilemma because I threw out all my punk rock and metal clothes. I'm at a loss as to what I should wear..I feel silly wearing that stuff anyhow. I'm really not into metal but Todd has actually turned out to be a really great friend.
When I sent that suicide message to my call list yesterday, he was the first to respond and called me, kept bothering me, and even into the night and this morning was checking up on me. Weird how life is like that..you think certain people play certain roles, and then 8 years can pass and their role becomes a very different one, or they become important when they weren't in the past.
Either way I'm grateful for everyone who wrote to me yesterday..except Mike of course, his texts were frustrating, weak and ridiculous..but even he helped me, by pissing me off..he moved me from suicidal to just plain angry. Jai especially has been very helpful during these times...we are going through something very similar..not only relationship/love wise but also lifewise. Creative souls sometimes get lost in the cracks. We have to try harder to maintain our own truths while balancing the reality of the day.
I deleted all his texts messages last night. Mike's I mean, and Katie's. I deleted their numbers from my phone and blocked them from my yahoo and msn. I almost deleted my myspace, because I know she is watching me, but then I remembered all the blogs I have there, my poetry and my pictures from turkey..so I decided against it. It's also hard to log into myspace and not check her status, but it hurts so much everytime..I've found the strength to stay away. Basically I'm torn..between moving on, forgetting about this and putting it behind me, and wanting to wait, not wanting him completely out of my life because I remember how sweet the love was. But I know the first option is best, especially after how he's treated me the past few days; he's made it clear he doesn't want me in his life in any form. It's best to think ill of him, get angry, think I was wrong about the love, it was more in my head, and to move on. To see him as a fail human instead of putting him on soulmate pedestal and having that hurt live in me forever.
I did that once with Chris Eaton. Took me 5 years and a very nasty night with him to realize he wasn't the person I remembered him being..that he was fallable, and capable of cruelty and mistake. Then I moved on. I put Mike on that same pedastal..except higher because I'm older and I truly was able to recognize our similarities and hope on a great future. I was wrong to do that...everyone is fallable, especially men.
Now I'm moving on. They have dissappeared from my life. I'm only sad we couldn't remain friends; we should've remained friends in the first place. Only we were so excited about our friendship that we let it take the next step. He wasn't ready.
Oh well. chalk it up to fucking life. I'll move on..thinking of moving to Durango..already started that conversation with my family there. Lots of white water rafting and mountains and hiking...I could submerge myself in work there for a year then go to a real liberal arts college. For journalism this time. I'm not going to turn my back on my talents anymore; I love to write and travel..time to get serious about my own life.
I wish them luck. I do. It hurts to have him out of my life but I don't want him in it in the form he has adopted.
That's all for now.
When I sent that suicide message to my call list yesterday, he was the first to respond and called me, kept bothering me, and even into the night and this morning was checking up on me. Weird how life is like that..you think certain people play certain roles, and then 8 years can pass and their role becomes a very different one, or they become important when they weren't in the past.
Either way I'm grateful for everyone who wrote to me yesterday..except Mike of course, his texts were frustrating, weak and ridiculous..but even he helped me, by pissing me off..he moved me from suicidal to just plain angry. Jai especially has been very helpful during these times...we are going through something very similar..not only relationship/love wise but also lifewise. Creative souls sometimes get lost in the cracks. We have to try harder to maintain our own truths while balancing the reality of the day.
I deleted all his texts messages last night. Mike's I mean, and Katie's. I deleted their numbers from my phone and blocked them from my yahoo and msn. I almost deleted my myspace, because I know she is watching me, but then I remembered all the blogs I have there, my poetry and my pictures from turkey..so I decided against it. It's also hard to log into myspace and not check her status, but it hurts so much everytime..I've found the strength to stay away. Basically I'm torn..between moving on, forgetting about this and putting it behind me, and wanting to wait, not wanting him completely out of my life because I remember how sweet the love was. But I know the first option is best, especially after how he's treated me the past few days; he's made it clear he doesn't want me in his life in any form. It's best to think ill of him, get angry, think I was wrong about the love, it was more in my head, and to move on. To see him as a fail human instead of putting him on soulmate pedestal and having that hurt live in me forever.
I did that once with Chris Eaton. Took me 5 years and a very nasty night with him to realize he wasn't the person I remembered him being..that he was fallable, and capable of cruelty and mistake. Then I moved on. I put Mike on that same pedastal..except higher because I'm older and I truly was able to recognize our similarities and hope on a great future. I was wrong to do that...everyone is fallable, especially men.
Now I'm moving on. They have dissappeared from my life. I'm only sad we couldn't remain friends; we should've remained friends in the first place. Only we were so excited about our friendship that we let it take the next step. He wasn't ready.
Oh well. chalk it up to fucking life. I'll move on..thinking of moving to Durango..already started that conversation with my family there. Lots of white water rafting and mountains and hiking...I could submerge myself in work there for a year then go to a real liberal arts college. For journalism this time. I'm not going to turn my back on my talents anymore; I love to write and travel..time to get serious about my own life.
I wish them luck. I do. It hurts to have him out of my life but I don't want him in it in the form he has adopted.
That's all for now.
I have a new theory.
I've known for awhile that he is kind of a "go with the flow" kind of guy, until he finally puts his foot down, which can seem kind of sudden to those around him even if he has been thinking about it for awhile.
I think that he wasn't ready for a relationship of the intensity that we had. I knew this might happen, which is why I suggested that he spend some time for himself instead of us jumping right in. I had time after Guy left to get myself together and figure out what it was I wanted. He needed this time. He refused it because I think he's afraid of being alone. Did I scare him away? Possibly. However in my opinion it's more his fault. He let me think that everything was perfect and that he wanted this level of intensity instead of letting me know that he wasn't sure, that he wasn't ready, and that he was having doubts. The day you break up with someone is NOT the day that you should have this first conversation. It was really unfair to me.
Especially because if he had wanted to slow down, and take time for himself, I would have been supportive. But that wasn't it. He can't be alone. He spins from one person to the next. He spun right from me, and instead of deciding to take time for himself, he calls his wife the same day and tells her he loves her come back.
No one should ever work that fast. How can he think it's going to work when he hasn't given himself time to know himself or to heal? He hated her last week. I know hate and love are complicated emotions often walking side by side however, I'm pretty sure that he feels good being a martyr to his marriage and kids. Gemini's LOVE to be marytrs for causes. It's our very favorite thing. He must see self-sacrifice as the greatest feeling...which it can be..but I don't think this is the best thing for him.
Or her.
Or them.
Or last and least, me...
I think that he wasn't ready for a relationship of the intensity that we had. I knew this might happen, which is why I suggested that he spend some time for himself instead of us jumping right in. I had time after Guy left to get myself together and figure out what it was I wanted. He needed this time. He refused it because I think he's afraid of being alone. Did I scare him away? Possibly. However in my opinion it's more his fault. He let me think that everything was perfect and that he wanted this level of intensity instead of letting me know that he wasn't sure, that he wasn't ready, and that he was having doubts. The day you break up with someone is NOT the day that you should have this first conversation. It was really unfair to me.
Especially because if he had wanted to slow down, and take time for himself, I would have been supportive. But that wasn't it. He can't be alone. He spins from one person to the next. He spun right from me, and instead of deciding to take time for himself, he calls his wife the same day and tells her he loves her come back.
No one should ever work that fast. How can he think it's going to work when he hasn't given himself time to know himself or to heal? He hated her last week. I know hate and love are complicated emotions often walking side by side however, I'm pretty sure that he feels good being a martyr to his marriage and kids. Gemini's LOVE to be marytrs for causes. It's our very favorite thing. He must see self-sacrifice as the greatest feeling...which it can be..but I don't think this is the best thing for him.
Or her.
Or them.
Or last and least, me...
Strange Dreams.
I had a dream last night that Mike and I jumped from a plane together. As in using the same chute. But before we had jumped, our fathers had jumped together and something went wrong, they died in the air and all the debri from their wreckage was suspended in the air. This was like the worst thing possible with the least chance of survival for Mike and I because we were falling straight through all the wreckage.
Bolts and nuts came flying at us as we dropped at incredible speeds. We had to navigate the chute through the debri together..It was very difficult..life or death. But we did it. And after we got through the debri area...there was about 8 seconds of calm while we dropped the rest of the way to the ground. During those eight seconds, my dream was filled with such vivid images of the world from the sky..I hugged him and told him this was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Then we were on the ground and had to deal with our parents death.
I don't know what this means. I would ask him but yeah, that's not an option anymore.
Bolts and nuts came flying at us as we dropped at incredible speeds. We had to navigate the chute through the debri together..It was very difficult..life or death. But we did it. And after we got through the debri area...there was about 8 seconds of calm while we dropped the rest of the way to the ground. During those eight seconds, my dream was filled with such vivid images of the world from the sky..I hugged him and told him this was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Then we were on the ground and had to deal with our parents death.
I don't know what this means. I would ask him but yeah, that's not an option anymore.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
oh bloody hell.
Where's my happy ending? My stupid friends have me watching Love, Actually as therapy.
Everyone gets someone in the end and ends up happy. It's bloody riDIKulous.
It is NOT making me feel better. Know what would make me feel better? Going to Fayettville and kicking a certain someone in the fucking balls.
Everyone gets someone in the end and ends up happy. It's bloody riDIKulous.
It is NOT making me feel better. Know what would make me feel better? Going to Fayettville and kicking a certain someone in the fucking balls.
I am a crazy blogger.
He doesn't care about me. I'm not even sure if he ever loved me. I know he thought he did.
It's ok. I'm glad. It's better to have a bubble burst and be angry than to be suicidal thinking you lost your greatest love.
And I did. What's true in our minds, is true, if only to us. I loved him like he was my greatest love. I would have continued to love him that way. But he wasn't deserving of that love. He was..he's not now. Anyone who could hurt me this much isn't who I thought they were. He hurt me so badly, I considered ending my life. But then I realized I'm mourning the loss of the love I felt for him and I thought he felt for me; I'm not mourning who he is really.
And that wisdom gives me the freedom to move on.
His life is not going to work out with his wife.
But that's not my concern anymore.
I deserve much much better than what he did to me.
I can't possibly love who he really is. If he was who I love..the person deserving of this love, he wouldn't have done this.
So, I'm moving on. Tomorrow will hurt, again, but I think I have the strength and wisdom now to see that not everyone loves like me. I love too hard. One day, I'll meet someone who deserves every bit of that happiness, every bit of that love, and returns it without hurting me. I thought this was Mike, but I was wrong.
It's ok. I'm glad. It's better to have a bubble burst and be angry than to be suicidal thinking you lost your greatest love.
And I did. What's true in our minds, is true, if only to us. I loved him like he was my greatest love. I would have continued to love him that way. But he wasn't deserving of that love. He was..he's not now. Anyone who could hurt me this much isn't who I thought they were. He hurt me so badly, I considered ending my life. But then I realized I'm mourning the loss of the love I felt for him and I thought he felt for me; I'm not mourning who he is really.
And that wisdom gives me the freedom to move on.
His life is not going to work out with his wife.
But that's not my concern anymore.
I deserve much much better than what he did to me.
I can't possibly love who he really is. If he was who I love..the person deserving of this love, he wouldn't have done this.
So, I'm moving on. Tomorrow will hurt, again, but I think I have the strength and wisdom now to see that not everyone loves like me. I love too hard. One day, I'll meet someone who deserves every bit of that happiness, every bit of that love, and returns it without hurting me. I thought this was Mike, but I was wrong.
So tired.
My dreams won't give me relief. I always wanted to dream of him, now I can't get rid of him. The newest one, we were in this tiny cabin. He was only here for one night.
His brother was on speakerphone (imaginary brother) and he was teasing me relentlessly. I told him I hate him.(his brother). In jest..but only half joking..my heart was breaking. Mike got mad at me. He lied down on the floor and put on a movie. I wanted to talk. He was obviously ignoring me. He took my foot in his hand and started stroking it absentmindedly. I started to cry. I tried to reason with him...I don't remember everything I said..my subconscious is trying hard to place an ending I can deal with on this situation. I feel like yesterday I was on top of the world and today I don't even know how to deal. I'm expecting him to text me, to tell me about his day, to say how much he loves me, and nothing comes. It won't come. It was too sudden. Feels like when my dad died..I didn't have a clue..I didn't see it coming. I wish I had talked to him more that day he went to the lawyer. But it hurt so badly to be apart from him...it was because I loved him so much that I couldn't talk that night. I know that gave him time to talk to Katie, or to think. I know I can't change this situation..but I can't help but think if I would have had more of a say in it if I had been there that night.
In my dream he just got frustrated. I could tell he's blocking it out. Us. I was trying to decide if I should make love to him..I knew it would be the last time, until he came back to me. But the hurt was so much. It's so hard to watch someone you love make the wrong decision. But sometimes you just have to I guess. They have to make their own choices and mistakes.
Every fiber of my being is screaming out that this is wrong. That this decision is wrong. That he is weak. But I can't do a damn thing about it. He won't listen, he won't change his mind. He's going to go through this again because he's such a good guy and he can't deal with the guilt of letting his family down. I know it's going to last awhile this time. Maybe another 4 or 5 years. I don't think he's strong enough to leave her for love, for his happiness. Eventually, yes, but not for awhile.
I feel like I'm dying.
All I can do is listen to Aimee Mann. Save Me.
You look like... a perfect fit,
For a girl in need... of a tourniquet.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.
'Cause I can tell... you know what it's like.
A long farewell... of the hunger strike.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.
You struck me dumb, Like radium
Like Peter Pan, or Superman,
You have come... to save me.
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
But the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.
Come on and save me...
Why don't you save me?
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who could never love anyone.
When will I see you again my love? My heart is breaking.
His brother was on speakerphone (imaginary brother) and he was teasing me relentlessly. I told him I hate him.(his brother). In jest..but only half joking..my heart was breaking. Mike got mad at me. He lied down on the floor and put on a movie. I wanted to talk. He was obviously ignoring me. He took my foot in his hand and started stroking it absentmindedly. I started to cry. I tried to reason with him...I don't remember everything I said..my subconscious is trying hard to place an ending I can deal with on this situation. I feel like yesterday I was on top of the world and today I don't even know how to deal. I'm expecting him to text me, to tell me about his day, to say how much he loves me, and nothing comes. It won't come. It was too sudden. Feels like when my dad died..I didn't have a clue..I didn't see it coming. I wish I had talked to him more that day he went to the lawyer. But it hurt so badly to be apart from him...it was because I loved him so much that I couldn't talk that night. I know that gave him time to talk to Katie, or to think. I know I can't change this situation..but I can't help but think if I would have had more of a say in it if I had been there that night.
In my dream he just got frustrated. I could tell he's blocking it out. Us. I was trying to decide if I should make love to him..I knew it would be the last time, until he came back to me. But the hurt was so much. It's so hard to watch someone you love make the wrong decision. But sometimes you just have to I guess. They have to make their own choices and mistakes.
Every fiber of my being is screaming out that this is wrong. That this decision is wrong. That he is weak. But I can't do a damn thing about it. He won't listen, he won't change his mind. He's going to go through this again because he's such a good guy and he can't deal with the guilt of letting his family down. I know it's going to last awhile this time. Maybe another 4 or 5 years. I don't think he's strong enough to leave her for love, for his happiness. Eventually, yes, but not for awhile.
I feel like I'm dying.
All I can do is listen to Aimee Mann. Save Me.
You look like... a perfect fit,
For a girl in need... of a tourniquet.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.
'Cause I can tell... you know what it's like.
A long farewell... of the hunger strike.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.
You struck me dumb, Like radium
Like Peter Pan, or Superman,
You have come... to save me.
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
But the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.
Come on and save me...
Why don't you save me?
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who could never love anyone.
When will I see you again my love? My heart is breaking.
My friend is getting married soon.
We were looking at wedding dresses together. I tried to find the one I had based mine off when it was getting made in Turkey for Tolga and my wedding, but its been taken down.
I did find this though, and it reminded me of my dream.
I always wanted to get married on a beach in Utilla. Utilla is an island off the coast of Honduras. My family is from there. It's one of the top diving spots in the world. I've read a lot about it and seen pictures; one thing that warms my heart is that the whole island comes out for birthdays and weddings, things like that, and celebrates together. I'm related to probably half of them.
I thought it would be nice to get married at sunset, with torches going into the water.
I'd like to wear something quite like the dress I showed above, something flowy and lovely that moves like the water. I wanted to stand in the water, with my fiance and the person marrying us, while my family and closest friends stood on the beach, the lights over the reception area dimmed, all the seafood delights and the reggae band waiting till we exchanged our vows.
This hasn't happened. I think though that I'm going to have to start demanding that things happen in my life the way I want them too. Too much giving to others to make their dreams come true. I truly enjoy making them happy, but I've noticed most of my dreams are put on hold.
I'm having a rough time today. Every day. I'm not sure when it will get better, if ever. I think I'll have this pain in my soul (it's a soul pain, not a heart one) for a long time to come. But that's ok. It reminds me of what I really truly desire and deserve.
Tuesday
Pictures fail, but I didn't want to make the boys self-concious.
Turgay took me out to dinner/lunch, whatever Tuesday afternoon. I saw this crazy looking bug..I tried not to get too close..picture above.
He got me drunk, fast. I didn't want to drink, but he kept insisting on me tasting the Margaritas. They were yummy, I must admit. He made me laugh..it was very ironic having my husband console me from my recent breakup with my boyfriend. We discussed it quite loudly; he told me about this girl he saw who was in the escort business, and then I asked him if I could see Eva, his dog, (will always be our dog..but technically) and he told me he's not allowed to have any more girls at his house, and I cried, but I'm your wife! And the people at the next table got up and left. It was quite humorous.
It kept the tears away for a short time. Then I came home and well, that ended.
He wants me back. I don't want to be with him. I love him like a friend, a good friend, I care, but I will never be with him again in that way. I don't need to get hit over the head more than once, thank you very much.
First real thunderstorm we've had in a year.
It's coming down on top of my house. Again this reminds me of him. I wonder if he realizes how many dreams we created together in such a short time.
Anyway, of course I had to go and play in the rain. It felt wonderful.
I'm trying. I'm trying hard.
I'm trying hard to leave him alone. I know he has to go through this. I know it was too fast..I told him that. Know what his response was? "I know what love comes my way." Beautiful right? Geminis have a way with words. I've used them in the past for not so great reasons. I used to outwit and convince my ex fiance of my love for him when he would doubt. His doubt was true, but I used those beautiful words to make him believe what I wanted him to believe. After that relationship, I gave up using my words that way. I wanted only truth in my life. That's what I've had so far. My conscience is clear.
I know he is using his words on his wife. I know he's using them to convince her to come back, that he loves her. I know it..I know him. Again I know he has to go through this. There is nothing I can say or do at this point. I have to put my trust in our love, I have to trust him that when it comes time, he'll be strong.
Katie called him weak. She warned me that he's weak. She told me many things about him that I didn't believe. She tried to get me to hate him. I could never believe the things she said. I know he isn't perfect, but he's exactly right for me.
My mood is changing into something else. ... the pain is subsiding and a determination is setting in. Maybe I'm naive to still believe in fairy tales, to still believe that magic is real and possible, to believe that we are given a chance at a love so great that the obstacles to have it in our lives are astronomic. I've tasted it..I know it's there. I know who it's in. I know where he is, I know what he's going through. And I'm not going to give up on us. I'm not going to interfere, but I'm not going to shut down my heart. I can't. I love him with every fiber of my being. I love him from my head to my toes with every particle every possible inch of my soul that could possibly be engaged in loving him is dedicated to trusting the universe that we will be together one day.
Life would be too, too cruel a place to live in where a person would find this love then loose it forever after such a short time.
I can't believe the world is a place like that. I couldn't live in it if it was. So I will hope. I will stay. I will wait, patiently, for us to come together again. This time when he is truly ready.
I love you Mikey.
I know he is using his words on his wife. I know he's using them to convince her to come back, that he loves her. I know it..I know him. Again I know he has to go through this. There is nothing I can say or do at this point. I have to put my trust in our love, I have to trust him that when it comes time, he'll be strong.
Katie called him weak. She warned me that he's weak. She told me many things about him that I didn't believe. She tried to get me to hate him. I could never believe the things she said. I know he isn't perfect, but he's exactly right for me.
My mood is changing into something else. ... the pain is subsiding and a determination is setting in. Maybe I'm naive to still believe in fairy tales, to still believe that magic is real and possible, to believe that we are given a chance at a love so great that the obstacles to have it in our lives are astronomic. I've tasted it..I know it's there. I know who it's in. I know where he is, I know what he's going through. And I'm not going to give up on us. I'm not going to interfere, but I'm not going to shut down my heart. I can't. I love him with every fiber of my being. I love him from my head to my toes with every particle every possible inch of my soul that could possibly be engaged in loving him is dedicated to trusting the universe that we will be together one day.
Life would be too, too cruel a place to live in where a person would find this love then loose it forever after such a short time.
I can't believe the world is a place like that. I couldn't live in it if it was. So I will hope. I will stay. I will wait, patiently, for us to come together again. This time when he is truly ready.
I love you Mikey.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
some appropriate thoughts.
"I've seen him with a woman that he can't get enough of. A woman that's crawled into every molecule of his being. That consumed his every thought and turned him into a creature of devotion and obsession. I have the scars of that love on my face, have ya told her about that? Have you told her about the difference between true love and a warm bed to pass the time away?"
-bobby long. appropriate because I am that woman. she is not.
"Friend, my enemy, I call you out. You, you, you there with a bad thorn in your side. You there, my friend, with a winning air. Who pawned the lie on me when he looked brassly at my shyest secret. With my whole heart under your hammer. That though I loved him for his faults as much as for his good. My friend were an enemy upon stilts with his head in a cunning cloud."
-dylan thomas. one of my favorite quotes of all time. so appropriate for so many reasons.
"We die only once, and for such a long time."
-Molière
"We cannot tear out a single page of our lives, but we can throw the whole book in the fire."
-George Sands.
-bobby long. appropriate because I am that woman. she is not.
"Friend, my enemy, I call you out. You, you, you there with a bad thorn in your side. You there, my friend, with a winning air. Who pawned the lie on me when he looked brassly at my shyest secret. With my whole heart under your hammer. That though I loved him for his faults as much as for his good. My friend were an enemy upon stilts with his head in a cunning cloud."
-dylan thomas. one of my favorite quotes of all time. so appropriate for so many reasons.
"We die only once, and for such a long time."
-Molière
"We cannot tear out a single page of our lives, but we can throw the whole book in the fire."
-George Sands.
I'm driving down Claiborne today
And I see the Shell station and John and Ian are talking about how after 3 am it's not a great time to be here..and I think of him.
I go to my ImageShack page to take down some pictures of myself I don't want to share anymore and I see him there, smiling, his beautiful face and body.
I'm trying hard not to open and look at his pictures. I don't want to cry anymore. I just want it to not hurt.
I wonder if he saved mine. Of course not, it wouldn't be his style. He erased them from his computer just like he erased me from his life. Just a few clicks, a small yahoo conversation, a text telling me this is the last time he will write, see you next lifetime, and goodbye.
That's all it takes to have someone out of your life. A few clicks. a non reply. There's nothing I can do. And I miss him terribly. I miss our conversations, I miss loving him, no, being free to love him. I miss all the days we will never have together. He'll never push me out a plane, that's a big one. I'll never buy him another snowball that makes his tongue turn red. We'll never type the same idea or say the same thing at the same time again. We'll never rock rock band. We'll never go hiking together, or to Spain. I'll never have a chance to love his dogs, or feel his expensive sheets. I'll never run my hands over his beautiful skin again..thats a big one. I'll never make him smile. He'll never hold me and kiss me and lay me down to make gentle missionary love, the best missionary love. We'll never get to explore beyond that. We thought we had time. All the time in the world. He ended us with a few clicks.
I'm in so much pain. I never thought anything could hurt this badly. This is as bad as when my dad died. I'm mourning for a future I'll never have.
I go to my ImageShack page to take down some pictures of myself I don't want to share anymore and I see him there, smiling, his beautiful face and body.
I'm trying hard not to open and look at his pictures. I don't want to cry anymore. I just want it to not hurt.
I wonder if he saved mine. Of course not, it wouldn't be his style. He erased them from his computer just like he erased me from his life. Just a few clicks, a small yahoo conversation, a text telling me this is the last time he will write, see you next lifetime, and goodbye.
That's all it takes to have someone out of your life. A few clicks. a non reply. There's nothing I can do. And I miss him terribly. I miss our conversations, I miss loving him, no, being free to love him. I miss all the days we will never have together. He'll never push me out a plane, that's a big one. I'll never buy him another snowball that makes his tongue turn red. We'll never type the same idea or say the same thing at the same time again. We'll never rock rock band. We'll never go hiking together, or to Spain. I'll never have a chance to love his dogs, or feel his expensive sheets. I'll never run my hands over his beautiful skin again..thats a big one. I'll never make him smile. He'll never hold me and kiss me and lay me down to make gentle missionary love, the best missionary love. We'll never get to explore beyond that. We thought we had time. All the time in the world. He ended us with a few clicks.
I'm in so much pain. I never thought anything could hurt this badly. This is as bad as when my dad died. I'm mourning for a future I'll never have.
I don't know if I'll even get through this blog all the way.
Maybe, maybe not.
I spent all last night puking. Maybe this isn't the best place to start.
Mike broke with me yesterday. Just writing these words seems surreal. And when I look back on it..on everything..I really shouldn't be surprised. I love him because he's my soul mate, and because he is exactly the kind of man who doesn't give up on his family. Katie included. He'd rather suffer through that marriage..try to make it work..try to make himself love her, and you know what? Maybe this was enough of a wake-up call for her to become someone he can love, the person he fell in love with a long time ago. I can't go as far through my pain to say that I hope she made and makes that change...obviously I hope eventually he realizes that he can't be with her. That she's not right for him. He knows this already but those kids are a huge huge factor. His love for them is way stronger than his love for me or her. Which is as it should be.
I feel a bit proud of him, which is maybe naive. I am naive. I was naive to think this fairytale would work out. But it was so strong...so full of love.. so amazing..I thought maybe God was finally done..I thought he finally gave us both a gift. A true one. Our love. I was wrong. Well, he gave it too late.
I do believe in miracles. I'm not going to bother him. I want him to give this his all. I want him to see his children grow up. How could he love me completely anyway if I'm part of the reason for their seperation? I understand. Really I do. I also know it wasn't supposed to happen this way. Those kids were supposed to be our kids. Does that sound psycho? Maybe lol. I don't mean it in a psycho way..I just mean that we made the wrong decisions...I'm not surprised..if you knew him and I..we are like rolling stones. We let the wind take us and shrug and adjust when we get there.
We should have been stronger. For each other. I wish I just wish I had known...I wish I had known I wish I had known..I wish I had known that he was there.. God why didn't I know. Why did we choose this path this time. It's really painful for me. He has his children. He has Katie, whether or not, he has his family. I feel like I'm supposed to be his family. We were supposed to be that family. Just so late...just so late. so goddamn late for us to find each other.
I've never ever loved anyone like this before. I've never ever met anyone I even came close to loving like this before. He changed me. He let me feel love and feel normal..feel like I was understood and not a Pariah for the first time in my life, his love did that to me. And it was over so fast, we never had a chance. 6 short days I saw him..the best days of my life...And I knew that the future with him would only be better, full of better and better days.
I know they weren't the best days of his though. I know days with his girls trump that. And again, that's the point, I've been around parents long enough to understand that nothing compares to that love and that need to protect them from harm, mental, emotional, physical. It's a powerful thing, I can't blame him for it. The men who don't feel that aren't worth being with.
What more is there to say. I hope one day we can be together. Robin told me a story about her dad..said he stayed with her mom until the kids were grown, then he left and went back and found his true love. She left her family and they started again, together, where they had left off 20 years before.
I'm not going to sit around 15 years till those kids graduate. I'm going to live my life. I'll always have him in my heart though, how can I not..he's my soul mate. I know that. If one day we have another chance, a real chance, how amazing that would be. What a gift.
I've been thinking. I talked to a friend of mine the other day. The universe bashed him on the heart to give him the gift of writing...he wished for it. The universe is not kind in its lessons. This heartbreak, followed by so many other heartbreaks..well I think the universe is trying to teach me my lesson. And this time I'm listening, God, I'm so listening. I don't want to go through this pain ever again. I know I've been wishing for some guidance for a long time..to stand on my own two feet..to have a life direction that is mine and mine alone, not influenced by anyone or anything. This is something I wished for a long time. The other day I was sitting and I wished for two things to manifest in my life. One was my continued relationship with Mike, and another was for me to find my dedication and direction. I've been wishing for the second one for a much longer time and I think, because the world is a cruel bitch, it took the opportunity to use this as a very very hard lesson. I was about to give up my world for him. My direction, everything. I don't think that was the right choice.
I'm going to listen. I'm going to find my path. I'm not going to let anyone else distract me. And if he comes back he will find I am a soft soft place for him to fall.
These are some of the hardest days of my life. But I will not give up. I will work harder. I will become the person I know I am capable of becoming. Then I won't ever have to ask again if I'm not good enough.
Maybe, maybe not.
I spent all last night puking. Maybe this isn't the best place to start.
Mike broke with me yesterday. Just writing these words seems surreal. And when I look back on it..on everything..I really shouldn't be surprised. I love him because he's my soul mate, and because he is exactly the kind of man who doesn't give up on his family. Katie included. He'd rather suffer through that marriage..try to make it work..try to make himself love her, and you know what? Maybe this was enough of a wake-up call for her to become someone he can love, the person he fell in love with a long time ago. I can't go as far through my pain to say that I hope she made and makes that change...obviously I hope eventually he realizes that he can't be with her. That she's not right for him. He knows this already but those kids are a huge huge factor. His love for them is way stronger than his love for me or her. Which is as it should be.
I feel a bit proud of him, which is maybe naive. I am naive. I was naive to think this fairytale would work out. But it was so strong...so full of love.. so amazing..I thought maybe God was finally done..I thought he finally gave us both a gift. A true one. Our love. I was wrong. Well, he gave it too late.
I do believe in miracles. I'm not going to bother him. I want him to give this his all. I want him to see his children grow up. How could he love me completely anyway if I'm part of the reason for their seperation? I understand. Really I do. I also know it wasn't supposed to happen this way. Those kids were supposed to be our kids. Does that sound psycho? Maybe lol. I don't mean it in a psycho way..I just mean that we made the wrong decisions...I'm not surprised..if you knew him and I..we are like rolling stones. We let the wind take us and shrug and adjust when we get there.
We should have been stronger. For each other. I wish I just wish I had known...I wish I had known I wish I had known..I wish I had known that he was there.. God why didn't I know. Why did we choose this path this time. It's really painful for me. He has his children. He has Katie, whether or not, he has his family. I feel like I'm supposed to be his family. We were supposed to be that family. Just so late...just so late. so goddamn late for us to find each other.
I've never ever loved anyone like this before. I've never ever met anyone I even came close to loving like this before. He changed me. He let me feel love and feel normal..feel like I was understood and not a Pariah for the first time in my life, his love did that to me. And it was over so fast, we never had a chance. 6 short days I saw him..the best days of my life...And I knew that the future with him would only be better, full of better and better days.
I know they weren't the best days of his though. I know days with his girls trump that. And again, that's the point, I've been around parents long enough to understand that nothing compares to that love and that need to protect them from harm, mental, emotional, physical. It's a powerful thing, I can't blame him for it. The men who don't feel that aren't worth being with.
What more is there to say. I hope one day we can be together. Robin told me a story about her dad..said he stayed with her mom until the kids were grown, then he left and went back and found his true love. She left her family and they started again, together, where they had left off 20 years before.
I'm not going to sit around 15 years till those kids graduate. I'm going to live my life. I'll always have him in my heart though, how can I not..he's my soul mate. I know that. If one day we have another chance, a real chance, how amazing that would be. What a gift.
I've been thinking. I talked to a friend of mine the other day. The universe bashed him on the heart to give him the gift of writing...he wished for it. The universe is not kind in its lessons. This heartbreak, followed by so many other heartbreaks..well I think the universe is trying to teach me my lesson. And this time I'm listening, God, I'm so listening. I don't want to go through this pain ever again. I know I've been wishing for some guidance for a long time..to stand on my own two feet..to have a life direction that is mine and mine alone, not influenced by anyone or anything. This is something I wished for a long time. The other day I was sitting and I wished for two things to manifest in my life. One was my continued relationship with Mike, and another was for me to find my dedication and direction. I've been wishing for the second one for a much longer time and I think, because the world is a cruel bitch, it took the opportunity to use this as a very very hard lesson. I was about to give up my world for him. My direction, everything. I don't think that was the right choice.
I'm going to listen. I'm going to find my path. I'm not going to let anyone else distract me. And if he comes back he will find I am a soft soft place for him to fall.
These are some of the hardest days of my life. But I will not give up. I will work harder. I will become the person I know I am capable of becoming. Then I won't ever have to ask again if I'm not good enough.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
unusual direction.
It's amazing..I guess I have been sending not so subtle stress signals out into the universe for awhile now..family has asked me what's wrong, I've been honest and told them.
There is a girl I have helped out a lot..emotionally, I mean. She went through some stuff, and I was there for her, offering what I had to offer.
She is now returning the favor, offering what she has to offer. I'm eternally grateful.
There is a girl I have helped out a lot..emotionally, I mean. She went through some stuff, and I was there for her, offering what I had to offer.
She is now returning the favor, offering what she has to offer. I'm eternally grateful.
Monday, July 13, 2009
This night just gets better and better..
Two people who do not know me from adam have called me an attention-whore.
I stay locked in my room, day and night, because I don't want attention from anyone.
I thought that 4thkingdom was a place where I could let my thoughts out with free-reign and not be critisized for my slightly off logic and morals.
I guess not.
Why should I care what two strangers think of me? Because I fucking need a ciggarette and I hate being misunderstood or misrepresented.
People are so bloody stupid. I really fucking hate them in general. I'm frustrated to no fucking end because my BF is fucking far away and I hate everyone that I'm coming in contact with. They are all a bunch of twats on a stick.
Take a twat, put it on a stick, and shove it the ass of a pig. That describes them to the T. Twat-stick-pigass.
Literally to the T lol..haha.
I'm so clever. Not really.
I can't even talk to my BF because I'm so nutty and frustrated with everything atm that I'll come off like a loon. I'm crawling out of my skin. I can't stay level..everything is making me angry. I rarely get angry but man am I pissed today!
I stay locked in my room, day and night, because I don't want attention from anyone.
I thought that 4thkingdom was a place where I could let my thoughts out with free-reign and not be critisized for my slightly off logic and morals.
I guess not.
Why should I care what two strangers think of me? Because I fucking need a ciggarette and I hate being misunderstood or misrepresented.
People are so bloody stupid. I really fucking hate them in general. I'm frustrated to no fucking end because my BF is fucking far away and I hate everyone that I'm coming in contact with. They are all a bunch of twats on a stick.
Take a twat, put it on a stick, and shove it the ass of a pig. That describes them to the T. Twat-stick-pigass.
Literally to the T lol..haha.
I'm so clever. Not really.
I can't even talk to my BF because I'm so nutty and frustrated with everything atm that I'll come off like a loon. I'm crawling out of my skin. I can't stay level..everything is making me angry. I rarely get angry but man am I pissed today!
I hate titles.
I wish this were a private blog. But as far as I know the only person reading it is The Best Amanda and maybe Jai, though I'm sure he'll forget about it. No one else cares about my stupid life. They have their own shit to blog/not blog about.
Warning: This is going to long. and maybe uncomfortable. a bit depressing and probably even uncouth.
Also: Sidenote :: I quit smoking yesterday. So everything that I would normally perceive as super crappy anyway is promoted to the status of THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD. Imagine placing all my problems on the ground, mixing it with broken glass, then making me walk barefoot over it with a 20lb weight on my shoulder. That would be like 10kg for all you East Oceaners.
That's what I feel like today.
Issue number one..(because it's practically useless to itemize, and nothing productive has come from this day yet!):
My parents are very close to losing their house. Now it says "In Forclosure" and "Something really shitty about IRS stuff" on their credit. Why does this suck so royallY? well beyond the most obvious reasons..that they are about to loose their house and have their credit destroyed for practically ever, they are actually NOW making enough money to save it. Just rather bad timing. Also...aggrivation with parents note: They JUST realized this when the appraiser showed up at the house. My mom said, "I didn't know we were 4 months behind on the house note." "Neither did Bruce" (my stepdad). oh rly? Why the fuck not? If you are late on a bill, shouldn't you know it? This is a major major point of headache I feel for my parents. They are HORRIBLE at bill pay. I know it's because they used to not have enough money to pay them, so their brains actually evolved into this state of just pretending like they didn't exist until money dropped from the sky. Which it always did. Always. But now, with the econonmy, and the credit situations, it's like they can't catch a break. Which is IRONIC because now they are making over 11,000 a month combined..and they can totally pay it off. But they don't have time to save. It's going now.
Another point of aggrivation with my parents: (mostly my mom..stepdad doesn't make or enforce anything) My sisters live in that house. Rent free. With their husbands. One of the families..Christine's ..makes 4000 a month. They pay, maybe, 800 a month in bills? The rest goes to eating out, and weed. My other sister's family, Marion, they make probably around 1500 a month. They pay about 150 a month in bills, and the rest goes to weed.
Kick their motherfucking asses out on the curb, and sell your fucking house mom if they don't want to pay rent.
Right? Am I wrong? But NEVER will this happen. My parents will hope for miracles..force me to stay in school so they can maybe get loans through me...anything BUT argue with the Girls about paying rent. About living in their fucking house that is about to get repossed..they can't pay a fucking 975 dollar rent between 4 of them? wtf.
fuck you and fuck you too.
Ah im so pissed. I spent all day filling out loan applications for my mom through school. Guess what? I seriously doubt I'm even going to school next semester. And I need a cosigner. Guess what my mom said to that? Put me down. O rly crazy? You want me to tell these loan people that you, whose house is in default, and who can't get a loan herself without a cosigner, that you are going to be my cosigner? And you think they will approve us? HA. I got the first rejection letter back immediately. This is fucking ridik. riDIKulous. And it hurts. It really really hurts..I want to help..I don't think it's fair they are going to go down like this..after sooo many miracles...you have no idea..so many miracles ...money just appeared when we needed it..when we thought everything was lost...it was there..and now that they are capable of making it, now the luck runs out?
Hey, God,
I get it. I really do. You can only bang someone on the fucking head a million times before you get tired. I know that they've had AMPLE opportunities to get this stuff straight. I know they have. I know they have all the resources and they are still acting like idiots. But ok. Please then, please send someone in that will make them see once and for all how to fucking handle money!!!!
Not for a week, not for a day, but for life!!!!
She won't listen to me. I need someone ..someone she'll listen too..they both will listen too. please.
This shit is just going to continue.
Issue number 2: School.. I'm so sick of talking about this and going over it in my head... I want to be a brilliant artist. GUess what..I have the personality for it, the creativity even, but I'm not. I'm not particularly talented at any one thing. I can write all right..but I don't YEARN to write. I don't wake up in the middle of the night with stories in my brain. I can't draw, I don't have a clue if I can act but I'm pretty sure I'm getting up there in years..and oh yeah..I'm fucking SHY. I should've been a dancer. I had the talent. I had Incredible talent for dance when I was young..accelerated classes, compliments from teachers...but I got out of that. I could KILL my mom for letting me quit that. Again, too old...
So what? I'm stuck in fucking school. Getting a psych degree. Do I like psych? eh, sometimes. I hate science. its a lot of fucking science. I like the IDEA of science, but I am so horrible at spatial relations and math..I can't enjoy it. I watch my cousin, for example. He has his PHD in psych, and he has to struggle for his job, and is thinking about going back to school after all that time getting a PHD to become a nurse. WTF.
Then I see Dr. Allyson Bennett. She's 34. She also has a PHD, and a Practice in Clincal Psychology. She teaches Sex Psych. HOw fun is that. She's great. She inspired me.
I HATE SCHOOL. I don't want to do it anymore. I also don't want to do any of the menial jobs I would have to get and work my way up into if I weren't pursuing a degree.
So I'm stuck. When I ask myself what I would truly like to do (based on what makes me happy) I have a few things that come to mind: 1. Dance
2. Discuss Literature
3. Travel and meet people.
That's pretty much it. Oh maybe make some jewelry.
So those are my fav. life paths. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that.
Dance is out. I'm sorry but it is. It's for the youth, I'm about 7 years too old to make it in that business.
Discuss Literature...ok...I could do that. But I hate teaching. It's shitty pay..and tons of work. I did it before. True, not at a PHD college level..hey maybe that's more fun...but again we are back to soooo muchhhhh fuckikkkking schooool...
3. Travel and meet people. Journalism? I should mention now I hate the news.
So, there we have it. These are the Gayest Moments Of My So-called Life.
Let's see how I'm doing, shall we?
Issue #3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8,
I have no job
I have no source of income at all
I have no money
I'm stalling on completing my assignments for exams because I have sooooooo much on my mind...I can't concentrate..I can't fucking get this shit in perspective.
I have no car.
I have no friends in this city.
My boyfriend, possibly the only person on earth who can make me feel like my life isn't in shambles, is 13 hours away by car.
And the kicker folks! My mom doesn't have a car either b/c I got the fucking thing stolen. And she has to take any money she managed to save up..which I'm not entirely optimistic about the amount considering the way they handle money, and put it on the fucking house they are about to lose because she won't sell it or charge my sister's rent!!!
Ugh.
Also, I have been in a really huge slump personally. Which isn't surprising considering all this stuff. I keep forgetting to take my prozac, mostly because I really don't feel it's helping much at this point, so I don't care enough to remember. I'll be out of medicine in about two weeks...about the same time my phone will get cut off, my account will go into a negative balance with overdraft charges included, and I'll have run out of contacts.
So, get a job, right? Absolutely. I put in tons of applications today. I'm going to get back out there tomorrow..it won't be soon enough for a paycheck to save my ass medically or bill wise..which is fucking so aggrivating because trulyneed I only need like 100 for my bills and 40? for my medicine, if that much. But it's going to cost me like almost 100 dollars in overdraft fees and another however much it will be to get my phone back on. probably another 100.
So 200 extra dollars because I don't have that 140 for this month.
Fucking suck ass.
I'm so tired of this shit. I'm tired of working the jobs that I have to work, I'm tired. Some days I really think that it would be better just not to exist. And I know that's lame, lot's of people have it way worse than me. Way worse. Wayyyyyyyy wayyyyyyyy worse. But everyone's universe contains their own personal heaven and hell. And my hell is looming very large and the flames are licking my waist at this point. And honestly, if I had it in me, I would just not exist. Unfortunately I'm not the kind of person that could cause that kind of harm to herself. I've tried. I just can't do it. I imagine my family after I'm gone..I imagine the person who has to find me..if I think my family has it hard now...imagine what that would do to them. Plus I was raised Catholic and although I don't believe..My fav. movie is What Dreams May Come and the line that sticks out at me now is "And the truth is that suicides go to hell? ??? What kind of justice is that???"
"The true hell is your life gone wrong."
Truer words were never spoken. I know it's not over. I'm very optimistic..and I realize that suicidal thoughts usually come with me not taking my medicine...like I didn't do today. I just ...I guess more than anything I feel overwhelmed. I don't have the motivation anymore...it doesn't excite me...I want to get lost in the fucking woods, and never see another human being again that I don't want to see. I don't want to be in society. I don't want to dance the dance anymore, I don't want to lie anymore, I don't want to be anything else but me.
I'm not made for this. I'm truly expecting my next lifetime to be spent as a Manatee.
Endangered, Protected, Under the Water where all I can hear are my own fart bubbles. I'm sending that energy out into the universe so it will come to pass.
Warning: This is going to long. and maybe uncomfortable. a bit depressing and probably even uncouth.
Also: Sidenote :: I quit smoking yesterday. So everything that I would normally perceive as super crappy anyway is promoted to the status of THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD. Imagine placing all my problems on the ground, mixing it with broken glass, then making me walk barefoot over it with a 20lb weight on my shoulder. That would be like 10kg for all you East Oceaners.
That's what I feel like today.
Issue number one..(because it's practically useless to itemize, and nothing productive has come from this day yet!):
My parents are very close to losing their house. Now it says "In Forclosure" and "Something really shitty about IRS stuff" on their credit. Why does this suck so royallY? well beyond the most obvious reasons..that they are about to loose their house and have their credit destroyed for practically ever, they are actually NOW making enough money to save it. Just rather bad timing. Also...aggrivation with parents note: They JUST realized this when the appraiser showed up at the house. My mom said, "I didn't know we were 4 months behind on the house note." "Neither did Bruce" (my stepdad). oh rly? Why the fuck not? If you are late on a bill, shouldn't you know it? This is a major major point of headache I feel for my parents. They are HORRIBLE at bill pay. I know it's because they used to not have enough money to pay them, so their brains actually evolved into this state of just pretending like they didn't exist until money dropped from the sky. Which it always did. Always. But now, with the econonmy, and the credit situations, it's like they can't catch a break. Which is IRONIC because now they are making over 11,000 a month combined..and they can totally pay it off. But they don't have time to save. It's going now.
Another point of aggrivation with my parents: (mostly my mom..stepdad doesn't make or enforce anything) My sisters live in that house. Rent free. With their husbands. One of the families..Christine's ..makes 4000 a month. They pay, maybe, 800 a month in bills? The rest goes to eating out, and weed. My other sister's family, Marion, they make probably around 1500 a month. They pay about 150 a month in bills, and the rest goes to weed.
Kick their motherfucking asses out on the curb, and sell your fucking house mom if they don't want to pay rent.
Right? Am I wrong? But NEVER will this happen. My parents will hope for miracles..force me to stay in school so they can maybe get loans through me...anything BUT argue with the Girls about paying rent. About living in their fucking house that is about to get repossed..they can't pay a fucking 975 dollar rent between 4 of them? wtf.
fuck you and fuck you too.
Ah im so pissed. I spent all day filling out loan applications for my mom through school. Guess what? I seriously doubt I'm even going to school next semester. And I need a cosigner. Guess what my mom said to that? Put me down. O rly crazy? You want me to tell these loan people that you, whose house is in default, and who can't get a loan herself without a cosigner, that you are going to be my cosigner? And you think they will approve us? HA. I got the first rejection letter back immediately. This is fucking ridik. riDIKulous. And it hurts. It really really hurts..I want to help..I don't think it's fair they are going to go down like this..after sooo many miracles...you have no idea..so many miracles ...money just appeared when we needed it..when we thought everything was lost...it was there..and now that they are capable of making it, now the luck runs out?
Hey, God,
I get it. I really do. You can only bang someone on the fucking head a million times before you get tired. I know that they've had AMPLE opportunities to get this stuff straight. I know they have. I know they have all the resources and they are still acting like idiots. But ok. Please then, please send someone in that will make them see once and for all how to fucking handle money!!!!
Not for a week, not for a day, but for life!!!!
She won't listen to me. I need someone ..someone she'll listen too..they both will listen too. please.
This shit is just going to continue.
Issue number 2: School.. I'm so sick of talking about this and going over it in my head... I want to be a brilliant artist. GUess what..I have the personality for it, the creativity even, but I'm not. I'm not particularly talented at any one thing. I can write all right..but I don't YEARN to write. I don't wake up in the middle of the night with stories in my brain. I can't draw, I don't have a clue if I can act but I'm pretty sure I'm getting up there in years..and oh yeah..I'm fucking SHY. I should've been a dancer. I had the talent. I had Incredible talent for dance when I was young..accelerated classes, compliments from teachers...but I got out of that. I could KILL my mom for letting me quit that. Again, too old...
So what? I'm stuck in fucking school. Getting a psych degree. Do I like psych? eh, sometimes. I hate science. its a lot of fucking science. I like the IDEA of science, but I am so horrible at spatial relations and math..I can't enjoy it. I watch my cousin, for example. He has his PHD in psych, and he has to struggle for his job, and is thinking about going back to school after all that time getting a PHD to become a nurse. WTF.
Then I see Dr. Allyson Bennett. She's 34. She also has a PHD, and a Practice in Clincal Psychology. She teaches Sex Psych. HOw fun is that. She's great. She inspired me.
I HATE SCHOOL. I don't want to do it anymore. I also don't want to do any of the menial jobs I would have to get and work my way up into if I weren't pursuing a degree.
So I'm stuck. When I ask myself what I would truly like to do (based on what makes me happy) I have a few things that come to mind: 1. Dance
2. Discuss Literature
3. Travel and meet people.
That's pretty much it. Oh maybe make some jewelry.
So those are my fav. life paths. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that.
Dance is out. I'm sorry but it is. It's for the youth, I'm about 7 years too old to make it in that business.
Discuss Literature...ok...I could do that. But I hate teaching. It's shitty pay..and tons of work. I did it before. True, not at a PHD college level..hey maybe that's more fun...but again we are back to soooo muchhhhh fuckikkkking schooool...
3. Travel and meet people. Journalism? I should mention now I hate the news.
So, there we have it. These are the Gayest Moments Of My So-called Life.
Let's see how I'm doing, shall we?
Issue #3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8,
I have no job
I have no source of income at all
I have no money
I'm stalling on completing my assignments for exams because I have sooooooo much on my mind...I can't concentrate..I can't fucking get this shit in perspective.
I have no car.
I have no friends in this city.
My boyfriend, possibly the only person on earth who can make me feel like my life isn't in shambles, is 13 hours away by car.
And the kicker folks! My mom doesn't have a car either b/c I got the fucking thing stolen. And she has to take any money she managed to save up..which I'm not entirely optimistic about the amount considering the way they handle money, and put it on the fucking house they are about to lose because she won't sell it or charge my sister's rent!!!
Ugh.
Also, I have been in a really huge slump personally. Which isn't surprising considering all this stuff. I keep forgetting to take my prozac, mostly because I really don't feel it's helping much at this point, so I don't care enough to remember. I'll be out of medicine in about two weeks...about the same time my phone will get cut off, my account will go into a negative balance with overdraft charges included, and I'll have run out of contacts.
So, get a job, right? Absolutely. I put in tons of applications today. I'm going to get back out there tomorrow..it won't be soon enough for a paycheck to save my ass medically or bill wise..which is fucking so aggrivating because trulyneed I only need like 100 for my bills and 40? for my medicine, if that much. But it's going to cost me like almost 100 dollars in overdraft fees and another however much it will be to get my phone back on. probably another 100.
So 200 extra dollars because I don't have that 140 for this month.
Fucking suck ass.
I'm so tired of this shit. I'm tired of working the jobs that I have to work, I'm tired. Some days I really think that it would be better just not to exist. And I know that's lame, lot's of people have it way worse than me. Way worse. Wayyyyyyyy wayyyyyyyy worse. But everyone's universe contains their own personal heaven and hell. And my hell is looming very large and the flames are licking my waist at this point. And honestly, if I had it in me, I would just not exist. Unfortunately I'm not the kind of person that could cause that kind of harm to herself. I've tried. I just can't do it. I imagine my family after I'm gone..I imagine the person who has to find me..if I think my family has it hard now...imagine what that would do to them. Plus I was raised Catholic and although I don't believe..My fav. movie is What Dreams May Come and the line that sticks out at me now is "And the truth is that suicides go to hell? ??? What kind of justice is that???"
"The true hell is your life gone wrong."
Truer words were never spoken. I know it's not over. I'm very optimistic..and I realize that suicidal thoughts usually come with me not taking my medicine...like I didn't do today. I just ...I guess more than anything I feel overwhelmed. I don't have the motivation anymore...it doesn't excite me...I want to get lost in the fucking woods, and never see another human being again that I don't want to see. I don't want to be in society. I don't want to dance the dance anymore, I don't want to lie anymore, I don't want to be anything else but me.
I'm not made for this. I'm truly expecting my next lifetime to be spent as a Manatee.
Endangered, Protected, Under the Water where all I can hear are my own fart bubbles. I'm sending that energy out into the universe so it will come to pass.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I'm listening to a very incredible person play guitar and sing some originals.
We had a conversation that struck me.
It's about love, it's always about love.
We do everything we can to find love, just to taste it, even if for a moment, we'd traverse the earth. I have, in fact.
But just as we learn to open our hearts and offer someone our vulnerability, it's around that time that we seem to have to learn to close them off again.
What's the purpose? Is there a purpose? In this case one of the results will be music. original sweet music. That's what he asked the universe for, among other things, and it gave him the opportunity, the pain to write.
The universe definitely doesn't work exactly like we would like it to :)
I, for one, am scared to open my heart. I don't know about you guys, but I have a 100 percent failure rate by some standards lol. Those are pretty bad odds.
But I will. He will. We all will. Why? What's the purpose? Well maybe we can't see the rainbow for all the rain. But I'd like to think it's there, even if the storms are harder than we wished for. Maybe we aren't meant to see it; after all, magic has to remain mysterious :)
I think TS Elliot said it best: "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."
And that's ok.
We had a conversation that struck me.
It's about love, it's always about love.
We do everything we can to find love, just to taste it, even if for a moment, we'd traverse the earth. I have, in fact.
But just as we learn to open our hearts and offer someone our vulnerability, it's around that time that we seem to have to learn to close them off again.
What's the purpose? Is there a purpose? In this case one of the results will be music. original sweet music. That's what he asked the universe for, among other things, and it gave him the opportunity, the pain to write.
The universe definitely doesn't work exactly like we would like it to :)
I, for one, am scared to open my heart. I don't know about you guys, but I have a 100 percent failure rate by some standards lol. Those are pretty bad odds.
But I will. He will. We all will. Why? What's the purpose? Well maybe we can't see the rainbow for all the rain. But I'd like to think it's there, even if the storms are harder than we wished for. Maybe we aren't meant to see it; after all, magic has to remain mysterious :)
I think TS Elliot said it best: "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."
And that's ok.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
I think I'm about to hibernate.
I spoke to two people today, and the wrong one made me happy.
Things are backwards; I feel stuck.
I feel out of sorts, and down, and not very hopeful. I'm not sure this is going to change any time soon. Things are backwards.
I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. It's really a bit much, isn't it.
Things are backwards; I feel stuck.
I feel out of sorts, and down, and not very hopeful. I'm not sure this is going to change any time soon. Things are backwards.
I know I'm not the only one feeling this way. It's really a bit much, isn't it.
Is it weird..
..that I'm truly interested in this special on the effect weather had on D-Day?
I'm strange.
I'm strange.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Can't sleep
As usual.
Though Max is crashed. Tomorrow (er, Today when I wake up..) needs to be a super productive day...I intend on getting my take home assignment completed for my Experimental Research and Design class..aka the Devil.
That should take approximately all day and drive me perfectly insane. I also need to write to my prof, before she gives up on me.
Spent the whole day trying to decide whether to move or not...If he wasn't so goddamn cute. jesus.
I can't decide. Responsible thing seems to be to stay here and finish school, work, get a car, save money and be ready to contribute better financially to a relationship, have some stability of my own that I can work off of and make decisions for the future. Like where to get my Masters. Should take me the same amount of time that he'll be in the military for anyhow. And if he deports I'll just be sitting around working not in school and not with him anyway.
I don't think I've ever done the responsible thing before. I'm not even sure how to make that decision. Especially when he smiles. :)
Yes it's that pathetic. N when I fall I fall hard.
Or I could go, wait a year for residency, and finish school in 2.5/3 years from now instead of 1.5/2 years.
The idea of change seems very nice to me at the moment also...I don't like to stay anywhere too long..and I've been here in New Orleans for over 2 years already. I'm not crazy about it here...although there is some magic in this city. I'm totally ready to live somewhere else though.
Damn getting older and thinking like an adult. I don't necessarily like the department at my university...it's not the major..it's the research and science they concentrate on. I'd be more comfortable with a BA than a BS, although in Psych a BS is probably more respected.
Every fiber of my being is rejecting statistical testing and presentations on the exact significance of research though. And that is all they want to focus on. It's annoying.
This totally varies from school to school, though I am aware that I will have to learn that part, I'd rather it not be the "end all" of my department.
So maybe a change in universities would be worthwhile afterall.
I don't know.
Maybe it doesn't matter until you are postgrad anyway.
I'm not happy with the way my grades are turning out this semester. I should have had a lot more A's...in fact this is the first semester that I didn't make all A's in Psych. I've never had less than one. Now I have a C in Motivation and Emotion..that should have been an easy A. And it would have been if I hadn't taken that stupid Research and Design class...that class stressed me out soooo much..I couldn't hang for finals.
N now it's still bearing down on me like a weight. Ugh.
Why didn't I just wait to take it with my cousin. Bah. stupid. stupid decision.
I'm totally rambling now.
Feels good to get it out though. I've been wanting to make collages lately but I feel like I need to get this homework stuff done before I reward myself with something I love, like art.
Also need to start working again..I'm so not looking forward to it. I don't have a problem with work..I have a problem with working and going to school. It blows. School is such a full-time job..seriously it's insane the amount of work you take home. One hour of class means at least 3 hours of homework..take 19 hours, multiply that by 3 and you barely have time to sleep, much less work. I should have married a rich man, at least got paid for this citizenship deal. That's what Jaime did. She's driving around in a convertible BMW and taking all the hours she needs without having to lift a finger to support herself. Of course she's divorced now also so it all worked out to her advantage. Smart girl.
No, I had to marry an artist.
I'm so retarded. www.rword.org. www.Foff.com
I wish I was psychic like Eli Stone. That would be nifty.
Also, I missed So You Think You Can dance tonight watching America's Got Talent. FAIL.
Though Max is crashed. Tomorrow (er, Today when I wake up..) needs to be a super productive day...I intend on getting my take home assignment completed for my Experimental Research and Design class..aka the Devil.
That should take approximately all day and drive me perfectly insane. I also need to write to my prof, before she gives up on me.
Spent the whole day trying to decide whether to move or not...If he wasn't so goddamn cute. jesus.
I can't decide. Responsible thing seems to be to stay here and finish school, work, get a car, save money and be ready to contribute better financially to a relationship, have some stability of my own that I can work off of and make decisions for the future. Like where to get my Masters. Should take me the same amount of time that he'll be in the military for anyhow. And if he deports I'll just be sitting around working not in school and not with him anyway.
I don't think I've ever done the responsible thing before. I'm not even sure how to make that decision. Especially when he smiles. :)
Yes it's that pathetic. N when I fall I fall hard.
Or I could go, wait a year for residency, and finish school in 2.5/3 years from now instead of 1.5/2 years.
The idea of change seems very nice to me at the moment also...I don't like to stay anywhere too long..and I've been here in New Orleans for over 2 years already. I'm not crazy about it here...although there is some magic in this city. I'm totally ready to live somewhere else though.
Damn getting older and thinking like an adult. I don't necessarily like the department at my university...it's not the major..it's the research and science they concentrate on. I'd be more comfortable with a BA than a BS, although in Psych a BS is probably more respected.
Every fiber of my being is rejecting statistical testing and presentations on the exact significance of research though. And that is all they want to focus on. It's annoying.
This totally varies from school to school, though I am aware that I will have to learn that part, I'd rather it not be the "end all" of my department.
So maybe a change in universities would be worthwhile afterall.
I don't know.
Maybe it doesn't matter until you are postgrad anyway.
I'm not happy with the way my grades are turning out this semester. I should have had a lot more A's...in fact this is the first semester that I didn't make all A's in Psych. I've never had less than one. Now I have a C in Motivation and Emotion..that should have been an easy A. And it would have been if I hadn't taken that stupid Research and Design class...that class stressed me out soooo much..I couldn't hang for finals.
N now it's still bearing down on me like a weight. Ugh.
Why didn't I just wait to take it with my cousin. Bah. stupid. stupid decision.
I'm totally rambling now.
Feels good to get it out though. I've been wanting to make collages lately but I feel like I need to get this homework stuff done before I reward myself with something I love, like art.
Also need to start working again..I'm so not looking forward to it. I don't have a problem with work..I have a problem with working and going to school. It blows. School is such a full-time job..seriously it's insane the amount of work you take home. One hour of class means at least 3 hours of homework..take 19 hours, multiply that by 3 and you barely have time to sleep, much less work. I should have married a rich man, at least got paid for this citizenship deal. That's what Jaime did. She's driving around in a convertible BMW and taking all the hours she needs without having to lift a finger to support herself. Of course she's divorced now also so it all worked out to her advantage. Smart girl.
No, I had to marry an artist.
I'm so retarded. www.rword.org. www.Foff.com
I wish I was psychic like Eli Stone. That would be nifty.
Also, I missed So You Think You Can dance tonight watching America's Got Talent. FAIL.
I'm such an idiot.
I could have been in NC all this month.
Instead I'm hooking up webcams and microphones.
Ugh.
Instead I'm hooking up webcams and microphones.
Ugh.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Tuesday is Vanilla
So now it's Wednesday. But it's still suffering from the eternal vaccum hole of boredom that calls itself Tuesday.
I always forget karaoke was developed at the Budda Belly on Tuesdays for exactly this reason. Then I remember that 2 out of every 3 bartenders there hate me.
I always forget karaoke was developed at the Budda Belly on Tuesdays for exactly this reason. Then I remember that 2 out of every 3 bartenders there hate me.
Michael Jackson
His service was lovely. I really think he was incredible. Makes me sad he passed..it's almost unreal.
I really thought he was immortal. :( I guess in a way he is.
I really thought he was immortal. :( I guess in a way he is.
ahh..camel lights.
How am I going to quit smoking when I enjoy it so much? Ahhhh.
Evil temptress.
What do you call a male temptress? a tempter? I'm pretty sure ciggs have a penis.
My mom is painting the stairs black and white atm. She is painting every other one so I can still walk downstairs. This cracks me up for some reason.
I was reading my old livejournal..which I can no longer log into (forgot the password) but I can still see thanks to The Best Amanda. I had some fun love times with Guy. I always forget about them because he's such a bloody wanker.
It's hard to remember good times with people when you break up with them.
Is that just me?
I don't know. But it's true.
Especially when they continue wanker behavior.
They are showing the Michael Jackson memorial clips from today on the news right now.
I still don't think he molested those kids. He was definitely off the beaten path though.
Reminds me of that Robert Frost poem "The Road Less Traveled"
Something like
"Two roads divided in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
Maybe it's too grand for him..I don't know. I always think the best of people.
It gets me in a state of hurt a lot, becuase people aren't always as good as I give them credit for.
I'm thinking of just staying here for two more years and finishing my degree. I'm so frackin close...I don't think it's the best time to move waaaa.
Max is being super loving today since Salient n Sassy(the black cat) left. I guess it's because he doesn't have to show off in front of Sassy anymore and he doesn't have to share me with Salient.
He's back to his whiny self. Constantly giving me love and kitty kisses and whining when I don't give him all the love he wants back.
Kitties are so win.
Last night was overly dramatic..Talked to Hunny. I don't know why. She called me white trash and I was like..come on girl..you know that's not me...we were friends..but if you want to believe that because it helps you heal then go ahead. Then she changed her tune and tried to convince me Salient was lying to me. She had no proof but she made me spin. It was like 2:30 AM at this point with frantic myspace messages pouring in, email communication. She asked me to live with her in Washington, go to Vegas with her and mentioned coming to visit me. I hate how it always has to be her team or his. I want to be friendly with her, I care about her and I actually like her but I can't have her trying to convince me of Salient's evil nature...which I know is untrue.
Gimme a break. So I blocked her on myspace. Don't want to, but man..I can't communicate with her like this.
I wish people could just chill the fuck out man. Not everything has to be so dramafied.
Arg..so tired of being in Louisiana. I know the hurricane is a-comin'. Just you wait, Henry Higgins, just you wait.
Evil temptress.
What do you call a male temptress? a tempter? I'm pretty sure ciggs have a penis.
My mom is painting the stairs black and white atm. She is painting every other one so I can still walk downstairs. This cracks me up for some reason.
I was reading my old livejournal..which I can no longer log into (forgot the password) but I can still see thanks to The Best Amanda. I had some fun love times with Guy. I always forget about them because he's such a bloody wanker.
It's hard to remember good times with people when you break up with them.
Is that just me?
I don't know. But it's true.
Especially when they continue wanker behavior.
They are showing the Michael Jackson memorial clips from today on the news right now.
I still don't think he molested those kids. He was definitely off the beaten path though.
Reminds me of that Robert Frost poem "The Road Less Traveled"
Something like
"Two roads divided in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
Maybe it's too grand for him..I don't know. I always think the best of people.
It gets me in a state of hurt a lot, becuase people aren't always as good as I give them credit for.
I'm thinking of just staying here for two more years and finishing my degree. I'm so frackin close...I don't think it's the best time to move waaaa.
Max is being super loving today since Salient n Sassy(the black cat) left. I guess it's because he doesn't have to show off in front of Sassy anymore and he doesn't have to share me with Salient.
He's back to his whiny self. Constantly giving me love and kitty kisses and whining when I don't give him all the love he wants back.
Kitties are so win.
Last night was overly dramatic..Talked to Hunny. I don't know why. She called me white trash and I was like..come on girl..you know that's not me...we were friends..but if you want to believe that because it helps you heal then go ahead. Then she changed her tune and tried to convince me Salient was lying to me. She had no proof but she made me spin. It was like 2:30 AM at this point with frantic myspace messages pouring in, email communication. She asked me to live with her in Washington, go to Vegas with her and mentioned coming to visit me. I hate how it always has to be her team or his. I want to be friendly with her, I care about her and I actually like her but I can't have her trying to convince me of Salient's evil nature...which I know is untrue.
Gimme a break. So I blocked her on myspace. Don't want to, but man..I can't communicate with her like this.
I wish people could just chill the fuck out man. Not everything has to be so dramafied.
Arg..so tired of being in Louisiana. I know the hurricane is a-comin'. Just you wait, Henry Higgins, just you wait.
Evil Cold Sore
This is the second time I've had a cold sore in 10 years. Both times occured right after Salient left. Coincidence? I think not.>>
My medicine pictured above was 20 dollars. Can you believe? wtf. It had better work. 1 day relief it says...we'll see..obviously I'm a bit of an unbeliever.
Monday, July 6, 2009
random max shots and ciggs.
so here are some pics of max being the silly cat that he is. n also the ciggarette pic is to show the state I currently find myself in because I don't feel like going to the store at 11p.m. so I'm smoking buds.
Nasty, I know. I also want to get rid of this stupid tatoo. Maybe a coverup...I have to think on it...I've been thinking on it for a long time and nothing has come to mind. Sigh.
Should Stephen King be considered a classic literature novelist?
Well I don't think so but perhaps you might.
Unfortunately I missed this lecture in class. I'm about to read his short story The Man in the Black Suit. I wonder if it has anything to do with his "man in black" in the darktower series.
Ok.
King has written A LOT of books. But Salient and I were just having this discussion. Only half or less than half really can be considered good, even pleasurable. While I give him endless kudos for The Darktower Series..as creative as it is, it isn't on par with Alexander Dumas or Fyodor Doestoevsky (sp?). (I know I spelled it like I hear it in my head, which I've learned is wrong.)
Not sure what the point is here. Oh yeah. Maybe the standards for "great" literature are changing. Could Chuck Pahluniuk be considered a literature author? I would say he has a very unique style,...props for that..and is great at story telling....maybe the definitions are changing no?
I don't think there will be many more novels written in the styles of Pride and Predjudice or Great Expectations. But that doesn't mean that there isn't great literature being written.
For the sake of argument, I'm still not ready to commit to Stephen King being considered a great classic literature novelist. Perhaps we need a new category all together for these 21st century authors.
Unfortunately I missed this lecture in class. I'm about to read his short story The Man in the Black Suit. I wonder if it has anything to do with his "man in black" in the darktower series.
Ok.
King has written A LOT of books. But Salient and I were just having this discussion. Only half or less than half really can be considered good, even pleasurable. While I give him endless kudos for The Darktower Series..as creative as it is, it isn't on par with Alexander Dumas or Fyodor Doestoevsky (sp?). (I know I spelled it like I hear it in my head, which I've learned is wrong.)
Not sure what the point is here. Oh yeah. Maybe the standards for "great" literature are changing. Could Chuck Pahluniuk be considered a literature author? I would say he has a very unique style,...props for that..and is great at story telling....maybe the definitions are changing no?
I don't think there will be many more novels written in the styles of Pride and Predjudice or Great Expectations. But that doesn't mean that there isn't great literature being written.
For the sake of argument, I'm still not ready to commit to Stephen King being considered a great classic literature novelist. Perhaps we need a new category all together for these 21st century authors.
No outlet for creation.
I'm feeling quite bored and creative today and unfortunately I'm not finding my outlet.
So I made this blog.
All I have left to do is study this month and pay my little bills. I want to finish these exams as soon as possible so I can move!!!!
Salient left this morning after a lovely weekend...and I miss him already.
His smile.
His love. My love. I miss him terribly :(
I'm ready to run...I need better shoes though. The ones I have are annoying.
I'm trying to quit smoking but I don't want to. I want to because it is expensive and I know I'll be in better shape if I exercise instead of smoke. But it's so nice..so relaxing and romantic.
I might have found a photographer to take some pictures of me.
I am getting a fever blister. This is a type of Herpes. I hadn't had one in like 10 years, until I broke up with my husband and started kissing people when I was drunk. It's my favorite thing to do when I am drunk. I don't care if you are a boy or a girl, I will want to kiss you when I am drunk. Unfortunately now I have this stupid infection from kissing someone. Kissing is not innocent..people...beware..
Salient's soon-to-be ex-wife called him and was screaming at him from the top of her lungs that he was neglecting his kids for a piece of pussy. I wonder if she has ever seen A LOVE SONG FOR BOBBY LONG. (picture above). In that movie, John Travolta clearly explains the magic of a piece of pussy. I should send her a copy with the time of the story about that wonderous piece of pussy highlighted.
Hunny must die.
Speaking of killing people, in my dream last night there was a murderous creep after me. He had long pointy small knives clipped onto his fingernails. In the first part of the dream, he attacked me and I killed him. However I was scared because I was afraid a jury wouldn't believe my self defence stance. So I burned the clothes, or my family did, and I was scrubbing blood stains from the carpet. So then in my dream, the police find out anyway, and he gets sent to jail. Well I follow him to jail, where he knows the jailor and the jailor sets him free. So for a short time in my dream I'm avoiding him in the jailyard, trying to find a way out while he's getting out, his sharp razor nail clips gleaming in the sun. Everyone knows him by name. I learn that I'm the only person he's gone after that has escaped him. This makes me his number one priority. Great.
I let my family know and we all become prepared for his arrival. Of course he will try to kill me again. So we are having a get together, and I walk down a semi-dark hallway (why am I walking down a dark hallway in my house alone when there is a crazy person after me? I don't know.) and he tries to trip me from a doorway. But he misses. Next thing is my sister slitting his throat. I tell her to do it deep because the last time I tried to slit his throat, I thought he was dead but he wasn't. She says there is no way he could survive that. And sure enough water is pouring out of his body (instead of blood) and he looks dead alright. We leave the room to call 911. For some reason my sister tells the lady that it's just a small emergency and whenever she can send help is ok. I get really nervous and aggitated having him in the house and call back and tell them to send someone ASAP, there is a dead murderer in the house. Then I go back to check on him, not believing that he could truly be dead, he came back once afterall.
I look in the room and he is blinking. and smiling at me. I freak out and run to him, with a knife, and start tearing up his throat..I mean like I'm inside the slit my sister made, cutting up everything in sight, his jugular, all the meat, I'm slashing up into his neck..my sister is telling me to stop..they'll put him in jail it's enough..and I'm reminding her of how easily he got out last time. She shuts up and watches me carve him up. His neck is in ruins..there is no way he can live.
I woke up with the image of that carved up meaty neck in my brain.
Honestly it wasn't a very disturbing dream, even though I know it sounds like it was. I normally don't have dreams like this so it should have been disturbing right? but there weren't any parts where he was hurting me or anything..it was always me kicking his ass. Except for the being scared of him seeing me in jail part..it wasn't a good dream, but it wasn't a nightmare necessarily.
I really would like to write more because I'm totally bored.
I hate it when people fall in love with you and you don't love them.
Or vice versa. It's not nice and God should not let it happen.
I'd like a pet rabbit. I had one once but it ate all my weed.
I don't really smoke anymore though so that shouldn't be a problem. However the last one I had was very unfriendly. And they poop A LOT.
Max needs a friend. Max is my kitten. I think I'll get another kitty, eventually.
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