I don't know if I'll even get through this blog all the way.
Maybe, maybe not.

I spent all last night puking. Maybe this isn't the best place to start.

Mike broke with me yesterday. Just writing these words seems surreal. And when I look back on it..on everything..I really shouldn't be surprised. I love him because he's my soul mate, and because he is exactly the kind of man who doesn't give up on his family. Katie included. He'd rather suffer through that marriage..try to make it work..try to make himself love her, and you know what? Maybe this was enough of a wake-up call for her to become someone he can love, the person he fell in love with a long time ago. I can't go as far through my pain to say that I hope she made and makes that change...obviously I hope eventually he realizes that he can't be with her. That she's not right for him. He knows this already but those kids are a huge huge factor. His love for them is way stronger than his love for me or her. Which is as it should be.

I feel a bit proud of him, which is maybe naive. I am naive. I was naive to think this fairytale would work out. But it was so strong...so full of love.. so amazing..I thought maybe God was finally done..I thought he finally gave us both a gift. A true one. Our love. I was wrong. Well, he gave it too late.

I do believe in miracles. I'm not going to bother him. I want him to give this his all. I want him to see his children grow up. How could he love me completely anyway if I'm part of the reason for their seperation? I understand. Really I do. I also know it wasn't supposed to happen this way. Those kids were supposed to be our kids. Does that sound psycho? Maybe lol. I don't mean it in a psycho way..I just mean that we made the wrong decisions...I'm not surprised..if you knew him and I..we are like rolling stones. We let the wind take us and shrug and adjust when we get there.

We should have been stronger. For each other. I wish I just wish I had known...I wish I had known I wish I had known..I wish I had known that he was there.. God why didn't I know. Why did we choose this path this time. It's really painful for me. He has his children. He has Katie, whether or not, he has his family. I feel like I'm supposed to be his family. We were supposed to be that family. Just so late...just so late. so goddamn late for us to find each other.

I've never ever loved anyone like this before. I've never ever met anyone I even came close to loving like this before. He changed me. He let me feel love and feel normal..feel like I was understood and not a Pariah for the first time in my life, his love did that to me. And it was over so fast, we never had a chance. 6 short days I saw him..the best days of my life...And I knew that the future with him would only be better, full of better and better days.

I know they weren't the best days of his though. I know days with his girls trump that. And again, that's the point, I've been around parents long enough to understand that nothing compares to that love and that need to protect them from harm, mental, emotional, physical. It's a powerful thing, I can't blame him for it. The men who don't feel that aren't worth being with.

What more is there to say. I hope one day we can be together. Robin told me a story about her dad..said he stayed with her mom until the kids were grown, then he left and went back and found his true love. She left her family and they started again, together, where they had left off 20 years before.

I'm not going to sit around 15 years till those kids graduate. I'm going to live my life. I'll always have him in my heart though, how can I not..he's my soul mate. I know that. If one day we have another chance, a real chance, how amazing that would be. What a gift.

I've been thinking. I talked to a friend of mine the other day. The universe bashed him on the heart to give him the gift of writing...he wished for it. The universe is not kind in its lessons. This heartbreak, followed by so many other heartbreaks..well I think the universe is trying to teach me my lesson. And this time I'm listening, God, I'm so listening. I don't want to go through this pain ever again. I know I've been wishing for some guidance for a long time..to stand on my own two feet..to have a life direction that is mine and mine alone, not influenced by anyone or anything. This is something I wished for a long time. The other day I was sitting and I wished for two things to manifest in my life. One was my continued relationship with Mike, and another was for me to find my dedication and direction. I've been wishing for the second one for a much longer time and I think, because the world is a cruel bitch, it took the opportunity to use this as a very very hard lesson. I was about to give up my world for him. My direction, everything. I don't think that was the right choice.

I'm going to listen. I'm going to find my path. I'm not going to let anyone else distract me. And if he comes back he will find I am a soft soft place for him to fall.

These are some of the hardest days of my life. But I will not give up. I will work harder. I will become the person I know I am capable of becoming. Then I won't ever have to ask again if I'm not good enough.