So tired.

My dreams won't give me relief. I always wanted to dream of him, now I can't get rid of him. The newest one, we were in this tiny cabin. He was only here for one night.

His brother was on speakerphone (imaginary brother) and he was teasing me relentlessly. I told him I hate him.(his brother). In jest..but only half joking..my heart was breaking. Mike got mad at me. He lied down on the floor and put on a movie. I wanted to talk. He was obviously ignoring me. He took my foot in his hand and started stroking it absentmindedly. I started to cry. I tried to reason with him...I don't remember everything I said..my subconscious is trying hard to place an ending I can deal with on this situation. I feel like yesterday I was on top of the world and today I don't even know how to deal. I'm expecting him to text me, to tell me about his day, to say how much he loves me, and nothing comes. It won't come. It was too sudden. Feels like when my dad died..I didn't have a clue..I didn't see it coming. I wish I had talked to him more that day he went to the lawyer. But it hurt so badly to be apart from him...it was because I loved him so much that I couldn't talk that night. I know that gave him time to talk to Katie, or to think. I know I can't change this situation..but I can't help but think if I would have had more of a say in it if I had been there that night.


In my dream he just got frustrated. I could tell he's blocking it out. Us. I was trying to decide if I should make love to him..I knew it would be the last time, until he came back to me. But the hurt was so much. It's so hard to watch someone you love make the wrong decision. But sometimes you just have to I guess. They have to make their own choices and mistakes.

Every fiber of my being is screaming out that this is wrong. That this decision is wrong. That he is weak. But I can't do a damn thing about it. He won't listen, he won't change his mind. He's going to go through this again because he's such a good guy and he can't deal with the guilt of letting his family down. I know it's going to last awhile this time. Maybe another 4 or 5 years. I don't think he's strong enough to leave her for love, for his happiness. Eventually, yes, but not for awhile.

I feel like I'm dying.


All I can do is listen to Aimee Mann. Save Me.

You look like... a perfect fit,
For a girl in need... of a tourniquet.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.

'Cause I can tell... you know what it's like.
A long farewell... of the hunger strike.
But can you save me?
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.

You struck me dumb, Like radium
Like Peter Pan, or Superman,
You have come... to save me.
Come on and save me...
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
But the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone.

Come on and save me...
Why don't you save me?
If you could save me,
From the ranks of the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who suspect they could never love anyone,
Except the freaks,
Who could never love anyone.

When will I see you again my love? My heart is breaking.