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OMG.

SCHOOL why are you being such a badass this semester? I actually have to skip school to do homework for school even though I'm never NOT doing homework. I really hope this shit calms down as the semester progresses.

I'm wishing on stars.

Note to self:

Men who like cute girls are not comfortable with sexy. Probably rooted in their own lack of sexual growth.

what kind of person am I?

What kind of person am I who can change moods with each breath. What is this madness in me? How can I believe and be satisfied in one breath and only moments later feel anxious and scared, then with the next inhale feel disillusioned and frightened? What kind of person changes this way, like a chameleon of feeling, in such a short time?

I am disenchanted and dumbstruck with the randomness of myself.

We were together. I forget the rest.

I'm thinking of getting this tattooed on me...but also, I'm considering getting it as a divorce ring for Turgay. Emily could engrave it for me. I feel like I need closure on a positive note with that relationship in my life. I was such a child.

I'm also thinking of getting some kind of commitment ring for Matt. I would say engagement ring but honestly I'm years away from being ready to get married again. I just want something that says, "I love you, and I'm in this for the long run." I was looking through my old posts on here and in one of them, I said I just wished I could find someone who loved me as much as I loved them, and was good to me. And then the universe provided Matt, or he provided himself, whatever you believe, he's in my life. And he's fucking great to me and loves me in such a healthy and positive way man. I've never been loved like that before. Not desperately, but quietly, deeply.

This break has been rocky for me. I've realized that I cannot function with only one person in my life whom I love. But I think I'm also coming to the realization that I can have friends, good ones, great ones, with whom I can do amazing things without dealing with jealousy from Matt, because he understands that he doesn't fill certain roles in my life. At least I think he understands that...I plan on talking to him about it..nothing ever should go unspoken. He acts like he understands it, and treats me with freedom and respect, for the most part.

Anyway. I read a lot of Pablo Neruda tonight. The man is my new favorite poet.

Things are good.

Bliss

You don't know me. You don't know  me at ALL. And it's not your fault...I can't tell you who I am. I can't tell you. I can't tell you how long I would wait for the sweet pain. You'd think I'm insane.

bliss.



Bliss.

Not that girl anymore

I'm not that girl anymore
The one who trusts unconditionally,
who loves unrealistically
who believes in magic.

The beauty of handwritten letters
is not lost on me.
You even chose pencil
pen would be too harsh
pen would damage the paper
bleed onto your words
and you know that I'd notice.

I'm old now though
I'm old.
I'm ancient.
I'm filled with neither regret nor remorse
but something else
something smoother
medium weight and still
something made of old bones
that doesn't support wishes.

I wish I was that girl
so I could believe in you
So I could turn my face
when they look my way
and say, "that's not your life"
"that's not the life you want"
and I'd put my hands on my ears
and run away, to you.

Sex at Dawn

I want to remember this, even if it is biased.

"To have concluded, as we have, that our species has an innate capacity for love and generosity at least equal to our taste for destruction, for peaceful cooperation as much as coordinated attack, for an open, relaxed sexuality as much as for jealous, passion-smothering possessiveness...to see that both these worlds were open to us,but that around ten thousand years ago a few of our ancestors wandered off the path they'd been on forever into a garden of toil, disease, and conflict where our species has been trapped ever since..."

pg 212.

One last thought from Mark Twain, Letters from the Earth:

Now there you have a sample of man's "reasoning powers," as he calls them. He observes certain facts. For instance, that in all his life he never sees the day that he can satisfy one woman; also, that no woman ever sees the day that she can't overwork, and defeat, and put out of commission any ten masculine plants that can be put to bed to her. He puts those strikingly suggestive and luminous facts together, and from them draws this astonishing conclusion: The Creator intended the woman to be restricted to one man.

I want to have this conversation with the world

People are not good to each other. Not when they are in love, in relationships. How is it loving to put all the pressure of all of your satisfaction and happiness upon one other person and that person only? How is that love?
I used to think it was about loving more than one person..love here, cannot be contained..love there, cannot be limited...and you can still use the word love or you can use labels. I find lately I'm a lot more comfortable with labels. In my life, I need best friends. I need a friend I can laugh with, a friend who expands my mind (or more), a friend who I can party with, a friend who I can dance with, a friend who I can create with, a friend who I can explore with. Sometimes these are rolled up into more than one in one person, and that's lovely. I need a lover. I need a lover who excites me to no end. I need a husband. I need a husband who is supportive, safe, comforting, sweet and non-judgmental. I need sisters to confide in and brothers to protect me and mothers who love me when no one else does. I need all this, and so do you. Do you realize how fucked it is that we expect ONE PERSON to do all of this for us? How can one person be all of this? So you give up, you give in, you trade. You find out which label is the most important to you and you sacrifice the rest in marriage. Why?

Why not have it all? Because of jealousy? What is that??? Because you've been told that "love" is all encompassing...so you will always be disappointed.  You can argue with me now and say, but my husband is all of that, my wife..she's all of that...but is that true or have you just MADE her/him all of that? Did you have a best friend that you stopped calling?  Someone who made you laugh and cry. Did you have a lover that excited you to no end but you gave him/her up for monogamous love?  Or if a lover is your priority in a husband/wife, did you give up someone sweet, a great provider and lovely companion?

I think it's incredibly selfish to expect one person to be all of this for you. They cannot. I can't be all of this for someone. Neither can you. It's impossible; it's a Disney dream we have been force-fed from childhood. There is no prince and you are not Cinderella. There is good news though. Ready?

The good news is that we live on this beautiful, full earth full of complex, interesting people. The good news is that there is someone, or someones out there who fulfill some of your needs. The good news is that if you have the courage, the bravery to see through the schema, you can have it all. And so can he. and she. And I think that's so much more generous than forcing someone to be your end all.

/rant