You and I were spinning
(Was I spinning?)
I reached out my arms, bare and long
white and cold, to touch you
but just out of my reach
you spun away.
And perhaps the thought of an experience
is better than the experience,
once it happens,
I cannot take it back
and it wasn't like it was in my dreams.
It was orange
and pink
and red and brown.
Marks fell around me
and onto my arms.
I wanted you to pull me out of myself
instead we danced and
nothing happened.
less awareness was my intention
but without cooperation I cannot feel myself.
And still you wanted to sit in my car
and talk, and talk while the sun rose.
You never realized there aren't words to say,
I had to kick you out, make you leave, have you see that
I am nothing
and I am just a girl who feel from the sky.
who needed to break with you
but you insisted on breaking my fall
and now I see you for who you are
a Gentleman-boy.
I think someone forgot to tell you
that in order to love
you have to break with another.

I want to go to Seychelle

It looks so oooo peaceful there. Some hippies just bought a house on the ocean, like in the ocean almost, and it pisses me off because they have rich parents. otherwise they'd be broke like me.

Everything is making me mad today, and I have to take a taxi in the morning, which I hate. I have to drive my stpuid stupid car tomorrow to take two finals which I hate. I just want to sleep and drink tea.

I can't wait till tomorrow is over. I am also sick and everything Matt says is making me insane.

ARAGAGGGAGGG

Sometimes when you win, you lose.

you can't win,
Not against the odds
Not with the odds
Not by balancing
You can't win
You can only ignore
Turn around,
walk away.
Never fight, don't fight.
Fighting requires surrender of a party
And one time that surrender will be yours.
You can't win
Not with others
Lock yourself in your room
Send yourself to a field
Take a journey.
Don't talk
Don't drink
Don't self medicate.
Take a walk
Never say a word
You can't win.

Stupid horror thing I wrote

                                                                      “Snap Crackle Pop”

“What are you doing?” Madison reached down and grabbed me by the hair, dancing away from the fire. My eyes reflected gold and silver with the moon and were huge and ravenous. “Eating” I said.  I took a bite.  Blood ran down my chin and Madison screamed. “What did you think was going to happen bitch? I told you to run. Did you think I was fucking playin’?”

She took off this time. I watched her disappear into the ravine. Fuck it. I thought. I’ll deal with that cunt later. It had been a day now since they had stopped here, lost. I was getting tired of playing with her. The first day we pretended to be normal, it was more fun that way. By the second I got bored and let Rob start to have some fun.  Madison was mine and the other one was his. Stretching, I reached out and scratched Mange, my cat. “Good kitty! That’s a good kitty.” Mange purred. I cast my eyes lazily toward the cabin, propped up on one elbow.  A chainsaw started from within. Ah,Rob must have started. A scream pierced the still night air. Yep. I chuckled, standing up.  I smiled into the light of the fire and headed to the cabin.

I stood in the open doorway, the night air cool on my back. “Maggie! We gonna play tonight!” Rob roared happily, slapping his hands on his thighs. The girl looked at me terrified. She was hanging over a wooden rafter Rob had built. Her hands were chained at the wrist and she was missing a foot. Rob had wrapped a white towel around it. Blood dripped from the towel to the floor. “You might wanna rewrap that honey or she won’t be much fun tonight.”

 Rob started the chainsaw and ran it close to the bloody nub. The girl screamed in terror. “Oh I’m just jokin’ you big scardy cat!” he chuckled. “This one don’t have no guts.” He put down the chainsaw and picked up a towel out of a basket. He taped it around the space where her foot was. “All better” he announced.

I smiled at him and he asked where the other girl was. I told him about her run down the ravine. “Eh,” he said, “She’s not going anywhere. She’ll just end up back here like the other one. Ain’t nowhere to go.”

I nodded.  All roads lead to here. Impassible sea cliffs on all sides but here.  Chain fences, the works.  Our home sweet home. But I was getting impatient.  It was time to have some fun.

“Unchain her. I wanna see her better.”

Rob grunted and picked up the keys. He lifted her over the rafter and held her in his arms. “Where you want me to put her?”

“In the bed.”

He grinned. “Alright.”

I got closer and sat in a chair next to our bed. Everything was in one room, a one room cabin. Nice and cozy, me and Rob’s piece of heaven.  And now we had a plaything for dinner. I reached out to touch her hair. Nice, red and thick and wavy, natural. Not like mine. Rob called these ones the Devil’s cunts. I secretly thought they were more like fiery taffy, sweet and tough, but sweet still the same. Them blondes were the worst, they passed out right at the start. The redheads though, I liked to keep them around. They taste sweet too. I played with a curl. Been about a month since I’d had a plaything. People got lost on the road. Wrong turn and they ended up here from time to time. Once they were here…well,  end of the line.

I smiled at her. “Darlin. What’s your name?”

She just stared at me with those big brown eyes.  Like she couldn’t talk or something. I wondered for a second if Rob had already cut out her tongue.  I’d be pissed if he had; that’s the best part.

I slapped her across the face, and her mouth hung open, lip split with blood. Nope. Tongue still there. Just scared shitless.

“I asked you your name girl.”

“Mary.” She whispered.

“Mary. That’s nice. Like the virgin.”  I smiled at her warmly. “You a virgin?”

“No..oo..o” she stuttered.

“Well just that much better for you girl cause we gonna have some fun tonight!” I hollered at Rob to bring the whiskey.  He stumbled across the room, hollerin to himself in glee.

“What are you gonna do to me?” she whispered.

“Shhhh..shhhh.” I said, soothingly. “It’ll be better for you if you are drunk.” I whispered back.

Rob handed me the whiskey. I took the bottle and held it up to her lips. She stared at me wide-eyed as I poured the alcohol down her throat. 

“That’s a girl.”

I took a few swigs myself and stretched back in the chair.

“Whatcha wanna do tonight?” Rob asked me.

“I dunno. I’m thinkin about it. Sure is sweet this one.”

“Devil’s cunt.” Rob muttered.

“Don’t you listen to him.” I said. “He’s just grouchy cause he wants me to hurt you some. Don’t you Robbie.”

“Yep.. Do something, shit! You just gonna sit there or we gonna have some fun?” He grumbled.

“Fun.” I said grinning.

I popped my neck with one hand. “Bring me the Silver Steed” I told Ron. “YaHoo!” Rob yelped and ran to my service. He handed me the silver scalpel and I slid it under her dress, cutting it open. Her breasts fell out on either side.  “No bra?” I chuckled. “Naughty one Rob!” My eyes danced over her body…. and a little cut.

“Ow! “ she screamed.  A sliver of red blood formed above her nipple and slid down the curve of her breast.  “Oh that ain’t nothin’” I said. I cut myself on the arm with the scalpel, same as her cut. “See?”  I offered my arm to Ron and he licked the blood off. “You’re crazy.” she whispered. I grinned.  “Now I’m gonna do you.”  I leaned over her and licked the blood, following the curve of her breast up to her nipple. I sucked on it a little. Taffy. So sweet, but…too sweet. It made my head spin.

 Mary trembled beneath me and I suddenly felt like I might be ill from her taste. I stared into her eyes and she stared back. Those eyes……Who is she? Is she….? I remembered a sister I had once with similar eyes, but she was long dead. Rob had killed her when he found me. Only needed one of us, he said. I was smaller and easier to drag along. For the first time in a long time I felt something akin to grief. It made me shiver.

I jumped up off her. “Rob, she’s all yours.”

“Really? What the fuck Maggie you just started.”

“Not in the mood.”  I called out, already walking out the door.  I walked down to the dying fire and threw another log on.  I looked out over the ravine, and howled.  I let the grief out.  It echoed through the night.  Then the loudest scream came from the cabin, cutting my howl in half. He musta done her in, I thought. Already?  So soon. She must have passed out. That always makes him mad. He’ll be wantin sex soon. I sighed and poked a stick in the fire.

Mange rubbed against me. She had a human foot bone in her teeth. “Such a pretty kitty” I called down to her.

I kicked a rock down the ravine and turned to go inside. Inside was a mess. He had spread her body, what was left of it, out on the bed like a gutted animal and was gesturing to me to come and join him.  “You are lying on our food” I told him.

 He pulled me down into her skin. It was warm. So was he. They both warmed me, the girl-who-wasn’t-my-sister and Rob. He was big and dirty and rough.  Grabbin my hair he twisted my around on my back, pullin me on my knees. He took me like that, wrapped up in her guts and blood. I kicked a bone off of the bed onto the floor. It made me angry to see her like that. Same as my sister.  I had forgotten.

“Fuck look at this mess!” I screamed into the cabin. He just grinned at me and licked the blood off his arm. “Fuck you!” I screamed at him.

 I stormed out into the night. I thought about the girl down in the ravine. All roads lead to here. I thought about leaving. There was nowhere to go. I stretched and picked up Mange. I looked into her bright orange eyes, then I grabbed her by the tail and threw her down the ravine.  She’d be back. There was nowhere to go. Then I turned back to the cabin and went to help Rob cook. There was a lot to do before Madison came back.  I would be seein both her and Mange again real soon.

Tapped in.

I'm getting a bit tired of being wired into everything all the time. I want to go off the chart, incognito and explore. I would be there already but I'm a social person and I need a partner here.

I'm such a fucking nerd man. Some people will never be cool. I will never be cool. I care too much.

Secret Society in Smaller Lies at the Circle Bar.

I was supposed to be home at like 12. Yeah right. I think around 6 or 7 am when the 17 year old girl Jett was crying on my porch, Joe was crashed in my bed, and Tony and I were still drinking on the porch, I realized that my plans has been blown to the wind. Fun times though; great friends :D

   Jen Tem           

                                                                           “Waterfalls”

     

     Ron is 31 years old and he is going to die. There will be flowers and food and black and white snapshots, tears; and I will be there with a poem and some words that won’t matter to anyone but me.  I can tell them I know how he likes his sandwich. Roast beef, mayo and lettuce.  Should I say he likes white women and noses?  I can tell them that he loved rock and Goth and wrote poetry.  I can say sweet things and no one will listen because he was the one who listened. Listened and---- there is a song inside me that sings when I’m around him. It starts off as a slow melody and violently peaks and dips and hugs the curves of the scales that play. Hear that Crescendo!  From time to time it finds its way off of the page and leaps and bounds happily into the memories that are ours. Sometimes it dips so low that it hurts me in deep places. It is a song for soul mates, and Ron is mine.

   When I was 17 I saw his feet pass by 11 times. I counted. They were in shoes that were black and red and had lighting strikes caught in plastic and rubber. I never thought to look up, only wondered at the shoes that passed back and forth in front of me. I wondered if the owner was aware that his Docs were incredibly cool. They looked like shoes that knew they were cool.  Once upon a time they stopped moving, and I looked up. I found myself. I knew his fears were my fears and I wrote them in blood on my heart.

   Then it was our time to bleed.  His mother was gone, and his father was drinking; his father was crashing; his father was screaming and twisting and sleeping on the street. His father was raping and cursing and crying out to God to save him from himself. His father was gone, so quietly that I never saw the storm at my back. Then my father was gone, and we were swept away in the downpour.

    Like a hurricane our lives changed, and we were holding onto each other on a raft in a great sea.  I couldn’t see and he couldn’t see. We stabbed each other in the dark at night when visitors came to feed off our rations. We held each other in the dark of night when we were the only ones left. We were empty and clung to each other, like callous shells stuck together by habit, not choice. I couldn’t love anymore and I had nothing to give. He was dead and I was dying. I was drowning and I thought we would hold each other’s heads under water until we both stopped breathing. I was all he had, and I tried to die.  He held my head out of the water and I woke up gasping for air in a bar with florescent lights aglow and naked men’s smiles that I thought meant ESCAPE. They really were Death. We held hands and I sobbed and he put me on a plane and I left the man who saved me.

   When I came back I learned of his suffering. The suffering he did without me. I learned about the drug raids and the murder and the life he had to live. I learned about the hospitals and the kidney failure and the four tubes they drilled in his neck to make him live. He told me about the white girls who popped pills and sucked his dick so he could die.  He told me about his deaths; there were two of them.  One when I left and one when he realized what he had become without me.  I cried and died and then it was time to live. But there was a day when we drove in the car and we passed a field of wildflowers. He told me where to find him in heaven.

    “How will I know where to look for you, Ron?”

    “I’ll be in a cave like a hermit; a wise hermit, behind a waterfall.”

    “What if I can’t find you?” He smiled and held my chin.

    “I know where you will be, under the willow tree, my sweet angel.”

 

   I felt then for the first time that nothing lasts. Then the years passed and he watched and I grew and I flew and just yesterday he finally told me I was safe.  And then there is today. And today is spinal taps and tubes in his throat and not being able to walk ever again. “1 in 3 chance” the text messages say and I pause and wait and try to think what to say but there is nothing to say, nothing to say.

     “I’ll bring you burritos” I say,

    “And sugar-free cookies?” he adds.

   Of course love. Of course.  And I’ll call your sister who threatened my life and who said I’m no sister of yours, because it’s hard to understand what it means to have a soul mate. But because I can’t be the only one to love him, I’ll call. Onions of layers of years of love, and only me to give them. I’ll peel them back. I’ll find the center, I’ll let you bite. I’ll give you what I have to give and it won’t be enough. There is not enough time. And we pray for vibrancy but the world is now dull and we live in slowed heartbeats of moments in color. Our hands touch and the nurse turns away from the black and white and we become something else behind her back; something floating and colorless.  We sail and dance and I kiss him goodbye. It is silent and bright outside and I must go on.  One day it will be time to search for caves beyond waterfalls, but not today.

   And the simple truth is: I have lived because of Ron. I have lived because of him. 

burnt the F out. 

Two tests tomorrow, thinking of skipping one. I can count my last test in that class twice as a grade.

Had a paper due today, an assignment that took 2 hours to do, two tests tomorrow and two papers to critique. Maybe taking 18 hours was not the best idea..but damn I want to graduate, but damn I'm fucking tired.

Got polaroid film in today. They must call it the Impossible Project because it is impossible to get the same result beyond the tired brown layer that covers all the pictures.

I stood for a half an hour in front of an air conditioner to get this result, then peeled it, separated emulsion from back. I also have a portable face now that I'm going to put on something, just not sure what. 

Something creepy for sure.

Theron's emotional rollercoaster wore me out today. His doctor changed his mind last minute and decided to not do his surgery. He's investing a lot in this doctor and will be writing him a final plea in the form of a letter. I'm really afraid of what will happen when the doctor sticks to his guns and in the face of all that emotional expression still tells Theron no.

I'm going to prepare him for the possibility. He and Katie may come here Thursday for a photo shoot now that I have 4 cameras with loaded film.

So tired. So so tired. This weekend was not a weekend. I organized my room and did homework all frackin weekend. 

How am I supposed to work with this school stuff? It's too much.

Anyway.

Here's the one polaroid that isn't a brown mess.

I'm missing out on a great opportunity to write poetry on these things.

However I think it will have to wait till Theron is done. 

Over the next few days I will have to get Amanda's project done and mail some letters.

School is already getting to me.

Maybe it was just a long day. Woke up at 6 30ish to drive all the way back to Nawlins from Houma to be in class at 9 am. I almost fell asleep a bunch of times. Plus I couldn't sleep all the way till 6:330..I kept waking to check what the daylight looked like outside Matt's dark curtains. I'm used to waking up to the light and knowing roughly what time it is, but in his bedroom it's nighttime, always. It throws me off, and I end up sleeping till the afternoon if I'm not careful.

Not feeling so well tonight. Earlier today was a protest at school against the budget cuts. It was tiring and emotional. Funny how your subconscious registers stuff because I had been noticing that the classrooms were getting dirtier in the Liberal Arts building...and now I know why..the janitors were fired because of budget cuts.

Feeling a little like I'm going to puke. Just two more days though till a 4 day weekend.

Oh yeah. Theron's lupus is back. Sigh. Here we go again.

So

I guess I'll just drink some coffee and stay awake. It's 6 am already. I should probably stop sleeping all day.

shots for the book..so fun. zombies in the cane field will come soon.
Super bored these days..but school starts in a few days. I'm sure that will solve that.

Last night I had dreams of tornadoes,, flying..awkward.
Even marines were involved.

Almost time to go back to New Orleans.

Awkward trimmings

Crossed looks meet
muscles tense
and fingers freeze
Like a deer in headlights,

Reaching out blindly.
Connection, connect.
Together. Breathe.
Tentatively touching your hand
Searching, gently, breathless again.
Holding it in.

Is it safe to sigh?
Clearing my throat
I turn to you
Wondering if you are feeling
as awkward
as me.

Minutes soothe the tension
Or perhaps we adjust
Alter. Adaption.
But evolution?
I think not.
We continue to travel backwards
through time.

Fingers squeeze.
Reassurance. Hope.
Please?
Promise? Mutual admission.
Aceceptance.
We let out a long breath
and start all over again.

Not sure why I'm still awake..

I guess I have a few dreams I'd like to jot down..but my brain is so tired I'm not sure I'm up for it. 
One strange thing that happened was I dreamt last night about Marion and Christine's new apartment. I dreamt that they moved everything into the kitchen before cleaning. When I opened cuboards there was dust and bug remaints all over their "clean" cups and things. So I started a massive dish cleaning operation. Then I woke up with the thought in my mind that they didn't have a dishwasher. I tried to think back to the apartment the night before....stove..check...fridge...check...dishwasher? I called my sister early in the morning. They do not in fact have a dishwasher. It's so strange that on some level I noticed that without noticing it and it manifested in a dream. Brains are really amazing.

I've had some detailed dream states lately but I can't recall them at this time. I've been playing a video game for hours and I'm quite lethargic at this moment. However I did receive 2 letters today, one from Richard (Tem) and one from The Best Amanda. I wrote both of them back. Amanda's letter may be too big for the post..I stuffed the envelope. We'll see. I hate sending things throught the post because I have to balance it in the slit in my door in order for the mailperson to take it and most of the time they don't, anyway. So then I have to wait by the door until they come and chase after them basically. It's silly. Want a mailbox, pls.
Just one more week then I'm home again, for good. Matt has been moody. He says it's because I'm moody but I"m not, I'm super happy. Just around him I'm wary b/c he seems moody to me. We really both live too much in our paranoid heads...so when we finally come together we are both worried about the other for no reason really. It's retarded.



Other news....Slightly cloudy days ahead. Tomorrow is the red dress run...6000 men wear red dresses, get drunk, and run through new orleans streets. Should be wonderful. I only brought my digital camera with me though so I don't expect any impressive pictures. Oh well.

Tomorrow night is Dirty Linen night...Art galleries and wine and cheese and things in the Warehouse District.

That's all for now. Peace and Chicken grease.

Is it weird that I still think about my high school teacher crush?

I had a dream last night that Quinn Moreaux saved me from this institutional school. It was very complex. I had to sit in a certain chair, get on first in the back of the bus. Then I had to ask to brush my teeth, then I had to get toothpaste from Quinn and he handed me a key, secretly. Then I opened the window in the back of the bus and pretended like I was brushing my teeth. When the headmaster lady wasn't looking, Quinn snuck to the back and hid behind the last seat. Then he "took out" the headmaster without anyone looking. We dumped her body behind the seat and when the bus docked I used the key to open the back door and we escaped into a car.

Then we were together.

Heh. Teacher crush. Sure was strong...

Redfish

I dreamt that I was working at Redfish again. Mrs. Sophia knew English and she never stopped giving orders, just like I imagined she would  if she ever learned. Everything came back to me so naturally, the feeling of the dough, the cutting, the making of the food. I don't think I've ever known a job that well in my life.

I was....peaceful with the idea of working there again.

My dreams have been very practical lately. I wish they would become whimsical again. I don't want to dream about working unless a dragon or an elf is involved. Perhaps I need to play more video games before bedtime.

Math, math math today. Le Sigh. Soon it will be over. Just 3 more days. 3 more days.

Artings.

So I'm stuck on the idea of pencil. I, LOVE pencil. I like the way I write with it; it's sharpness; the ability to erase. No ugly smudges or lined out ink. However, the project I'm working on just doesn't look polished in pencil. Which makes me infinitely sad, because I really really don't want to use a pen. I'm trying to think of other options for writing small words on a sheet of paper, but I hate colored pencils even more. The best idea would have been to print it out...but I like the handmade look of it that emerges with my pencil writing. I guess I can't have both worlds. It's really a rough project, very simple, but I am starting small before I move on to greater things. Gotta do the basics before you become an expert.

(Also, interesting fact, we just learned in Psych of Learning that it takes 10 years of full time work (That's 40 hours a week) to become an expert in something.)

I've been feeling pretty creative lately. I think it's a lot of me not being able to do anything because of school for so long. Just math and psych, doesn't leave a lot of room for my creative side. My psych classes this summer have mostly been history, which isn't creative at all, though I enjoyed learning about Electroshock therapy and how crazy some of the ways were of treating patients. It's really like a journey into the dark side. What were they thinking in the 30s. Even the 70s. They didnt know wtf they were doing. They actually cut out someone's entire temporal lobes. Then they were surprised when he had no long term memory.

Hmm.

Let's learn about the brain before we start chopping pieces off, shall we?
Ethics now, you can't do whatever you want. Which is good for the patients but a bit sad for the excitement of psychology...at one time it was akin to being an explorer in an uncharted land. Now it's more like being a doctor with a precise instrument that has to clear every move with a board of approval.


So I got my Diana camera in. It's so light. I didn't expect that. I'm so bored with taking pictures by myself though. I need a crew. At least a partner. Emily....if she was only closer....I guess I'll just have to take advantage of this month and take as many pictures of her/with her as I can while I"m out of school. I have some ideas. I need to see what this camera is capable of, first.

I wish everyone would just move here. Why do they want to live in such a shitty town anyway...work work work what about culture? Beauty? There is work here also.

So I didn't blog about the oil in the Gulf and Marshes, and I'm so sick of talking/hearing about it that I don't have much to say, except that yes it basically changed everything here.

I had a disturbing dream last night, but I don't recall it. Tonight I'll try to remember....

All for now, tomorrow is math day extraordinaire. I'm really feeling very serious these days.

Dreams

balloons. two of them. yellow and green. Giant balloon. Green. floated over traffic and everything. Was looking for my home, but I couldn't remember where I lived. Only the town. I floated over highways and bridges and ruins of bridges and long forests of trees, and then rocky nothingness...hillbillies who were drunk and in chains and black netting..looking for some helium.

My sister rolled two joints for me in a hotel room.
Exactly what I needed.

I was in a trailer and I was playing an MMORPG. online. I was a beautiful girl. People would watch but I would close the blinds. There was a lamp. I broke the flat screen. I was waiting..for something that has still never come and won't.

Life is about settling sometimes. That shits in fairytales. you make your own dreams. There is no magical balloon, but I can have a trailer and an MMORPG. No one will watch though. Why would they?

SSC

beautiful. for me? I think so. Miss. tried to contact. no luck. Miss.

Miss miss miss.

Miss miss miss.


Beauty.Tears fall. High emotions. Sill. after all this time. music man..it does something. especially when you were the Muse.

It is a mad thing. :( love always.

shaving my brain.

feet post!

Ok. Starwars and Demons and auditory hallucinations.

Been meaning to put this down for a couple days now.
But first...I have auditory hallucinations from time to time. It's always the same thing and it always wakes me up from sleeping. Its my mom's voice saying my name urgently. Just once. Its so loud and urgent I always wake up and say "What?" I had to go check on her last night just to be sure I was hallucinating and she wasn't in trouble or something. When I was younger, it was "Jenny". Now its "Jen".

My dream:
First of all, in my dream world Starwars was the entire structure behind the universe. There were starwars gods and everyone's religion and spirituality had to do with Star Wars. So every year, on the same night, there was a Star Wars celebration. You built something and tried to launch it to the heavens to reach the gods. So I was dating Matt, who was a father with two small sons. The mood was joyful and eventful and we were all having fun.  The landscape was very open...stars were totally visible..the earth was a mixture of swamp and forests..depending on where you were. So we launch what Matt and the boys built, and a part of it flew off into the swamp (but it was a stable swamp..more like a field with small waterways that were easily traversed.) I ran off happily and looked for the piece. I found it..although it was a bit far from the house. I started hurrying back, my spirits still high. As I was running back I heard a noise over my shoulder. I looked back and there were three white people running for their lives. Chasing them was a black dog with a red head with horns. A demon. The white people ran in one direction and I ran faster toward the wood. It didn't follow them. It chose to follow me. It quickly overcame me.

The demon grabbed me and told me I was now its property. It rose into the sky with me and I knew my life was about to become hell. I asked it, in a tone that already knew the sorrowful answer, if I was about to be raped. It grinned and said yes.

My dream shifted to what was in the sky, 15 years later. I was seducing the demon. Not because I wanted to, but because it would rape me anyway if I didn't and at least this way I had a semblance of control. I saw it had a huge red penis. I knew it would hurt. Then the scene shifted again and my best friend had been captured by the demon! I asked her how Matt was doing and she told me that he had gone back to school to get another degree. I started sobbing. The pain was too much, hearing that he was advancing his life and had moved on. Probably thought I was dead. I knew I'd never see him again. We were just a star in the sky.

It was the night of the Star Wars celebration again. Something launched into the air. Only this time it went so high..I watched it streak into the sky from a ground perspective. It rose to the stars. And in the stars, it settled in a cut out nook of my friends dress. It fit perfectly. We were shocked.

The demon dropped to his knees. "It is a sign of the gods." He said. "Even I am not allowed to ignore it." And with that, I was back on earth.

It hadn't been as long as 15 years on earth. Matt's boys were still smallish. Maybe 5 years. Maybe less. I walked up to his house. He had built a house while I was gone. I walked in. He was shocked to see me, and embraced me, and we cried and laughed and cried again. He showed me around the house he had built, it was quirky and artistic and I loved it. We laid down to make love. He held me close and I felt safe. 

I took a job in a clothing store. One day when I was working, the demon arrived again. He was looking for me and had smelled me out. I hid behind the clothes, hoping that he couldn't find me. I believe I just made it out but knew that I couldn't be that carefree again b/c whatever had kept him away after he released me had obviously expired.

Then I woke up. 

A Nightmare.

I flew through the air like I always did when I'm being chased. Flight, gently touching rooftops; traveling faster than one could walk, or drive. I land in a busy section of the city; the bustle and night should have cloaked me better than any disguise. Yet there he was, right around the corner from me. He saw me. I watched him come toward me as I ran, stuck to the ground this time. I hid behind a curtain in a merchant stall. Its not possible. How did he get here as fast as me. Flight has always been my savior.

He found me immediately. His large, meaty hand reaches out and grabs me by the neck. I'm done for.  The only thing that can save me is a shift of scene.

It started at our workplace. Two women, a few men, one with whom I'm very close. My coworker (lets call her Susie) says she has a stalker. She's afraid to walk to her car at night. So we start the trek with the men accompanying us to our cars. It's a long walk. I can feel eyes following me from the dark places in the night. We hear something in the bushes. The men want to investigate. I ask them, "Will you leave us alone then? By ourselves?" They say, "just for a minute." They walk off into the darkness. Its quiet for a minute then there he is. Huge. Taller than tall. Wide. Legs like tree-stalks. Arms like blocks. Hairy. His hair is wild and unkempt. I can't see his face behind that hair. He starts toward us. We run for the office, Susie and I. He's so fast...so fast...I fly...

He's got me. A scene shift is what I need. My brain complies.

I'm in my house. Its the kind of house where I normally wouldn't lock the doors. Its in a quiet neighborhood. But night is falling and remembering the man I lock the doors. I rush to do so. All the doors locked. My baby in my hands. I feel like its barely in time. Something draws me to the front door. I walk to it slowly, and pull back the curtain that covers the small window built into the door. I peek out into the night and all I see is a silhouette of a man's head right in front of me . It breaks into a grin. "Hello, Beautiful" he says, from the other side of the glass.

I am static with terror.

Nouvelle Vague

My mother is painting the stairs

all black this time. At almost 1 am. in the morning.

After I rescued her from her room, in which she had locked herself. She left the doorknob on the outside of her room and shut it.


I don't know why she doesn't attach new knobs. She just carries this one ancient glass knob around and uses it as she pleases. 

And she has locked the kitties upstairs. She came into my room, grabbed a shoebox off the floor (I just got new boots in from ebay) and filled it with litter. Then locked the door and started painting. I"m up here with the kitties.

My mom is...different. I guess I get it from my momma. heh.

Also..is sleeping with paint fumes ok? I'm not sure...

Thirsty.

I'm really thirsty. Why am I blogging about it? I'm too lazy to go to the kitchen :D

I'm working on a lil present for a friend..a children's story. The older I get, the more I appreciate genuine people.I finished most of it but I'm stuck a bit at the beginning of the end. I'm also trying to decide how I want to do the writing on the pages.

I ordered a green acoustic guitar. I'm going to teach myself to play. Its ridiculous I haven't learned yet, when I'm obsessed with folk music.Besides, if I'm playing guitar, people have to listen to me sing :D I've never tried to write song lyrics, only poetry. I wonder what kind of songs I will create. What the words will say. What I will feel. That's a ways away, first I have to learn the basics, but I'm looking forward to that.

Tomorrow a lock smith will come.  I'll finally get the key to the trunk, which will allow me to change the light that is broken, which will allow me to get a new inspection sticker, which will allow me to get new insurance, which will allow me to chill the fuck out when I drive. I'm soooo nervous about getting pulled over by a copper right now because he can ticket me for so many things..I don't even know if my insurance is still valid.the paper is locked in the glove compartment. Same key as the trunk.

I wish I had a good girlfriend here in New Orleans. Its really sad and I really miss Dilek. I would say Teri but she turned out to be a narcissist. If Dilek was here I'd be so happy about it. Even a new girlfriend would be acceptable. The problem is most people are stupid. They are either self important or stupid. I want a genuine person to be my girl friend. So hard to find :( I do love my sisters. We are just very different. Marion and I have been closer since she became an adult, and Christine and I have been less close since she became an "adult". I put it in quotes b/c I don't think she really is, but whatever, she has a kid so I'm supposed to call her an adult. I don't think smoking pot and letting your kid watch cartoons all day is being an adult, but whatever. What do I know.

I was looking forward to Marion moving in with us, but now that my parents aren't losing the house, that may not happen. I'd like to move out. Mom drives me nuts, really. Neither she or Mr. B will do the dishes. I'm like the dishes slave. If I don't do them, they don't get done. Its so weird. Look, no one likes to do the dishes. Doing the dishes is the worst thing ever. But I shouldn't be the only one to do them. Yes its her house, and I live here, but I pay bills here also. If you go in the kitchen right now, its not pretty. And I know she's just going to get an attitude with me about it. Eh why am I complaining lol. I'm lucky to have a home to do dishes in. Silly Jen.

BTW, since this blog began, I have finished drinking a glass of water.  But not the ice.

I want Theron to live with me and Matt. I want Matt, theron and Me to live together. In a big wooden house, on land where I can grow a garden. And go fishing nearby. I don't care if I never catch anything, but I want to sit with the pole and a few beers on a dock or under a tree with a blanket and talk to the men I love. I want a dog. A big, kind, lovable dog, that is so happy and comfy in our home. I want people to feel welcome in our house, but only genuine people. I don't want any bad energy there. I want to sit there, and have a library, and big comfy chairs,and maybe a fireplace with burning logs, and we can open books and read the best lines in them. Matt will make fun of everything and be much smarter than Theron and I, and Theron will be silly and I'll laugh at them and be emotional and tell them how much I love them. My family. I choose my family. This is the one I choose. Matt and I will make Theron watch project runway.  He'll complain that it is gay. Then he'll go in his room and play with his action figures












Tomorrow is David Gray. My dad's favorite. Matt and I are going. 



 

A small excerpt from the writing of Elizabeth 1

"I seem stark mute but inwardly do prate,
I am and not, I freeze and yet am burned,
Since from myself another self I turned."

 I absolutely adore the last line. Brilliant. And a nice insight into the mentality of England's Virgin Queen.

On the subject of women's bodies in writing, and my own ideas centering around empowerment.

I wanted to expand a bit more on the subject of empowered women, and what that means societally and also on an individual level.




I mentioned in class that the power of women cannot be evaluated in the same scale as the power of men. The power of women can contain many subtleties. The perception of women as powerful depends on the viewer, and also on the opinion of the individual.



I've noticed, among my girl friends, that they find it acceptable to use their feminine beauty/body as a source of power in their relationship to the world and men.



I've struggled with this identity that they are comfortable with. I'd rather be noticed for my intelligence, or accomplishments. Not that they wouldn't, but they find their bodies to be just as much of a source of power as their minds. We have had many arguments on this subject, and I cannot ignore the fact that they are intelligent, creative, strong women, whose opinions are just as valid as mine when the subject is focused on what it means to be a woman and what defines femininity.



For example, I talked about a friend of mine in class. She is in her mid thirties and has three children. When she met her significant other (man) she was stripping. She quit and has tried various jobs in the three years that they have been together. She is extremely comfortable with her sexuality, taking openly about it; comfortable with the attention she receives and feels like there should be no stigma surrounding her choosing stripping as a profession. She enjoys it. She says there is a sisterhood that emerges among the workers; she loves dancing and she enjoys the attention from men.



Is she less intelligent than me? No. Is she less of a person? No. So why does the idea of her dancing for money bother me? Why do I feel like it adds to the objectification of women as a whole? Who am I to argue that what she does is lessening the power of women when she herself is arguing that it empowers her as a person?



Next example, an artist. She stripped her way through school and had tons of bad experiences in that profession. She graduated in graphic design and now has a studio in which she works and engraves during the week. When I ask her what she is looking for in love (because she is single) she tells me she wants a man who is A. rich, and B. handsome. Those are the only two things she lists. This is a woman who has dated both sexes, is extremely liberated, yet she only wants a rich handsome man as a life partner. To me, this is the opposite of liberation. For her, its empowering to have someone take care of her. She feels like her femininity will be best expressed by this type of relationship. To sidetrack a little here, I think there is a bit of a double standard. If a man says to his friends that he wants a rich handsome woman, we as women would consider him shallow. Yet if a woman says she wants a rich handsome man, we may consider her shallow also but we'd likely congratulate her for using her sexual power to her advantage. So is it an empowering sexuality that allows these women to lead the lives they choose? They aren't forced into them. They are fully capable of supporting themselves by other means. Yet they would choose to use their bodies as a flower uses pollen to attract a bee.



Is it wrong? These women would say no. I recently had a conversation with my boyfriend about a Hooters opening in our hometown. He was asked by a client to go with him to the private opening. He asked me how I felt about him going. I told him it was his decision. He wanted to know how I felt and I told him I feel that it objectifies women, and in essence is part of a bigger problem with women and the objectification of women through sexuality. Hooters are strict about their uniforms, and only offer sizes Xs and XXS for their servers, for example. Why? Because that's the object of the business, to serve women as entertainment, and through that medium sell food, not to make the women employed feel comfortable. Maybe I'm being sensitive, but I have a hard time accepting and endorsing any profession or decision that adds to the overall pool of objectification of women. So what is there to do? Never watch television, never watch movies, never open a magazine? I can't. And unless I force myself to live in a cave, I'll never be an example of that purity of subject that I yearn for all women to experience. And what would living in a cave accomplish? Nothing.



Right now, I think its necessary to recognize female directors as female. To recognize female writers, actresses, dancers, etc as female. To have a classes that focus on accomplishments toward women. In a perfect world, this would not be necessary. But the reality is that we still live in a world where it is necessary, and every action of every woman adds to the future that we are trying to create. The only question remaining is if a woman should sacrifice what is right for her in order to help create this future free of objectification. And if she does sacrifice, isn't she in essence giving up the very thing that women have fought for for centuries, the right to individual expression in any form.



It's definitely something to think about.

Dad

was in my dream last night. He bought a house on Prytania and was living next to the ice cream shop. So said my mother. But when I met up with him I asked him if it was really next door to it, and he said no, it wasn't even within walking distance.

I was sad about that but happy to have him in the city so close to me.

I wish I dreamed of him more often. Its the only time we ever get to visit anymore.

My real name, continued.

I enlisted the help of a friend of mine to figure out possibilities with my last name in French, since it is a French name.

He said the only 8 word possibility is origines..which means origins  in french. So my name means Refin Jen, Origins. Last name origin, Origin is where something begins, where it comes from. Appropriate for a last name, no? Rise, Beginning, Source.

Source of my blood, of my family, of me.

Amused..

From facebook..questions my friends answered.


1. Do you think Jennifer is cute?                  Yes
2. Do you think Jennifer has ever
   had a one night stand?                              Yes
3. ...voted for Obama?                                Yes
4....has ever stolen from work?                    No
5....can keep a secret?                                Yes
6....ever been in a fist fight?                         Yes
7. ..would secretly fart in public?                  No.


Well. What I can deduct from this is that my friends find me to be an attractive, slutty, angry, yet morally uptight liberal who can be trusted.

Of course I've stolen from work.  They make it too easy sometimes. And its a corporation. So who cares.
Of course I've farted in public. Who hasn't? Wow on that one.
And no, I've never been in a fist fight. I've never been in any physical alteration except when I was young young with my best friend (hair pulling, etc)

Rest are right :P

If I was a space alien,

sent here to watch society and come up with three things that are so outside the reign of what I am used to but what humans consider "normal" I would choose:

1. Everyone needs to look the same. Smaller aspect of the larger problem of the human need to "fit in."
 Everywhere, on magazines, on television, through reinforcement of their parents and friends, they are told and pushed and prodded to look the same. When one finds a dress, the other wants a similar one. When one sees a haircut, the other one wants the haircut. They find this acceptable. Lack of identity, visually or otherwise.

2. Murder. There is nothing to be gained by taking another one's life. No spiritual advancement, no knowledge, only material possessions, which mean nothing.

3.Religion. They gather in groups and praise named invisibilities. Then they separate themselves from others who do not praise the same named invisibilities. It matters not to them that they are both invisible, the name is what they focus on. Humans seem to focus always on the shell, never the essence.

My real name.

I was playing around with my name, Jennifer, and I came across this just by reversing some of it.

"Refine jen"

 First of all, I consider myself to be jen. I once told a friend of mine that when someone calls me jen, or jenjen, my heart responds. So the fact that these three letters can stand alone..j..e...n...is no surprise to me. It's my true name, Jennifer never fit. It makes me uncomfortable and now I know why..its not mine.

Refine. From the etymology dictionary, the word refine was first used in metals. Earth. Simplistic material, natural, pure. To refine something means to free it. To refine something means to free it. Refine Jen. Free Jen.

My natural name means literally Free Jen. Hello?? Do you hear this? In extended meaning, to free from unwanted impurities. To rid myself of things I don't need, don't want, and don't ring true to myself. To free myself from the crap that tries to suffocate me each day.

My name is Refine Jen. Free Jen. Jen. Free from impurities. Jen.

Fluffyface.

Can't help but love her b/c she's so cute.
List of things she's done that have ranged from horrible to down right annoying in the past week:
!. Shit on my bed. I notice at 12am when I'm about to go to sleep. Have to stay up for the next 2 hours washing and drying comforters and sheets.
2. Last night she kept running over my chest. I'd just fall asleep, then here she would come, zoom with her lil paws over my chest onto the floor. fall asleep. Over my chest onto the bed. fall asleep. Jumps onto my chest, and stands there. I move her. Fall asleep. Over my chest and proceeds to start hacking up a furball on my floor. I grab her and throw her out. Enough. This is around 4 am. I'm trying to sleep for over an hour.
3. Just now: I'm studying. I have a paper with formulas I'm writing down. Where does she lie? Right on top of it. I sigh, consider moving her, she stretches out her paws and yawns and looks at me. Instead I reach for the binder and pull another sheet out.

This cat owns me.

Here is something I'm working on:

This is after I added the color. Here is the original:

 

Not even close to finishing it yet, obviously. I'm just learning aspects of my paint program right now mostly.

I found this great site that contains pictures from old books...the 17th century and 18th century ones are particularly dear to my heart.

I used to love the ocean.

Now it only reminds me of dead dreams.

Last night was Lady Gaga. She taught me how to kiss my cat on the mouth to make it writhe in pleasure. Short, quick kisses on her little mouth. She showed me by kissing me. I clammed up but thought she was lovely.

Why Lady Gaga. She intrigues me. She's freakish, like I feel sometimes. I watched two women making love yesterday at some point. 

I feel like a nonentity. I nonperson. A non-thing. Nonexistence.  nonreal.

Last night

was bad. First time in a long time I've had suicidal thoughts. I think its safe to say that I'm rather depressed.

Unfortunately life is still moving forward. I have a biology lab midterm this afternoon that I must study for now.

Life is unkind.

Inspired

What dubious explanation can be found for my crime?
What doubtful harness holds the reins of our friendship:
Tattered, Torn, Dust-covered and threadbare,
Waiting for hands to hold it, if not in kindness,
Than in a stern resolute of will?
What malignancy holds you captive,
 Afar beyond the reach of my prostrate repentance?
I beg of you, do me justice;
relieve me of this restless wonder that twists my heart in pain.

A letter to an old friend..

For years, I've sat in darkness, waiting for a reason why I no longer have the comfort of my friend, the inspiration of her ideas and exuberance of her energy. Sisters we were in action and thought, in strength and love; I held you to highest esteem.

I cannot guess at the reason for the severity of my punishment.
I can only mention the grievances I may have caused you; perhaps you can point to one and our memories, while diverse in feeling, may cross in experience. I shall explain my reason behind each and maybe you may find that I was not acting out of cruelty (as maybe you suspect?)

1. Your suspicion/experience of Shannon going after Steve.
-Perhaps I didn't provide the support you needed at this point. I did talk to Shannon about it, and she said she was in love with Chris, as she always was. Perhaps you needed me to back you in this with more vigor, and I failed. Forgive me for falling into the position of a friend stuck between two friends. You were the friend I held in higher esteem.

2. Perhaps someone told you I thought you lied? When I was younger, I was quite paranoid. As much as I loved you, I suspected that sometimes you lied to me about why you couldn't see me, or what you were doing, or who you were with. There was much about you that was hidden even to me, close as I was to you. I could only reach so far and understand so much. I didn't talk of my doubts to many, but I suppose they might have fallen ill upon your ears. Forgive me for this, I'm now on Prozac that all but cures paranoia and anger.

3. I hadn't seen you in awhile, and I came to your house. I left quickly b/c you were high and talking about aliens. I was frustrated because I needed a heart to heart. I was being selfish and unreasonable. Instead of enjoying my time with my friend, and seeing where the conversation ended up, I left. Forgive me for this, I was young and foolish.

4. Not being there for you when you lived in Chance's house.
-I don't know how much you needed me at this time. It seemed we were in different worlds. I much resented the people who held you there, although I realize now you acted of your own free will. I wanted to be a part of your life but I couldn't find a place where I might fit. Drugs didn't agree with me, and I was intimidated by the artists that you lived with. I was afraid I wasn't the artist that they were and I would seem to them to be inferior. I'm sorry if you needed me and I wasn't there. I wasn't sure how to reach you (metaphorically).

5. One time you and Steve were waiting at Jason and my house.
I'm sorry if I treated you less than kind that day. I was moody and Jason and I were fighting. He didn't like the fact that you two showed up. Of course in my heart you were always welcome. Things differ when you are in a relationship, and you are young. You make mistakes with your friends. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad at any point.

These are my lists of grievances against you as I remember them. Perhaps you can point to one and say that it is my crime; that it is the reason you stayed so far away from me in heart and mind all these years. Perhaps you can shed some light.

If it is for another reason than these, then I truly do not know it. Perhaps its not even real. Please talk to me and tell me what was the poisoned arrow that pierced your lovely heart.

Yours,
Jenny

Thoughts

Charlotte. I think this is the name of my daughter. I was interested in Madeline, mostly for the shortened name Maddy. However I think Charlotte has a beautiful southern ring to it. And I could pay homage to my roots, and Charlotte Bronte.

Pieces

are never

  

enough.

Seasonal

 

seasonal.

 

late

 

vintage

 

corners of light

 

and dark.

weirdest dream..

I dreamt I was controlling what was coming on a picture box. I made an animated video of thoughts in my head. Then I taught someone else to do it also.

Why are we not at the point where we can think and have it manifest?

Update and such.

So seddy finally gave me her blog site. I'm the second person she's given it to. OMG she's so lucky. She is currently living out just about all of my fantasies. I'm really happy for her...she seems so happy also.

I had a dream last night..weirdest dream..strange things were happening..One I was drunk and on a chair...skirting rooftops trying to find a way down..I lost my camera and my ipod to the dark abyss of night sky below me.

Tolga and I were trying to catch a train in turkey..we threw all our stuff off of the train and couldn't find it..finally we were in these underground shops and I saw most of my stuff..

Turgay was living at Shannon and Chris's..I had to convince him to come back home..

I was dating this dude..I don't even know who he was..everyone was drunk at a party..we were all in our undies and giving kisses to each other, it was lovely..my bf didn't mind. Then Joe Stark picked me up and spun me around a few times,..and accidentally dropped me off of the balcony..I felt myself spin in the air and I landed on all fours, but BF was pissed. He took a sledgehammer and hit Joe in the face and he landed on a curb; his teeth fell out. I had to go and tell the police what happened.

I was in Walgreens shopping for clothes and Rebecca was there. A lady and I had a conversation about how nice the workers and customers were. I made a comment that most of the customers are repeat customers; it's like a family.

I was in biology lab. The girl next to me turned to the boy across from me and told him an answer. I was in between. Teacher's aid saw. The teacher came to punish us. The girl got put in an oven for punishment..it wasn't hot..but she had to stay in it. He erased our tests and gave us impossible ones. I had to find an atom in a bowl of soup. I gave up and left.

I was at a skating ring. Stephanie was there. The ring had different rooms, like rock room, cheese room, techno room, etc. We went in the cheese room and watched these 7 black girls do a routine that was out of this world. They were so athletic. I asked her to show me all the other rooms.

They were all empty. Then I woke up.


I started telling my sister about my dreams. She says I have the craziest dreams.

I am so pissed.

Wtf is wrong with guys. Why can't they think with their fucking brains instead of their egos and penises.

God I'm so pissed. I'm tired of my opinion having to conform to the "superior" knowledge of a man. Women ARE NOT FRAGILE CREATURES. We will fucking rob you blind when you aren't looking, seduce you when you are, and laugh about you with our friends when you are lying in the dust of our betrayal wondering what happened b/c all you can remember is that we had nice tits and ass.

I fucking hate the male sex. You guys are fucking morons. Even the best of you. Fuck you.

love her.

dreams

Matt and I were with Derek and Hollie. We had to make a last minute decision about a movie and they bought the tickets and we entered the theater. I thought they chose Avatar but instead it was some psychedelic Muppets in Space stuff. Not for kids. I asked what it was all about and Derek said it was the Muppets telling us that God loves us. The ticket man had given us these tiny dollar bill replicas..I collected them from everyone b/c I thought to make something with it later.

As we watched the film, it became interactive. One tan outdoors like suit was given to us and Derek insisted on putting it on. We were in an army like jeep and we were deep in the woods. STill going off the premise of muppets in space..we weren't sure what we would find. I mentioned that whatever we came across, we should talk first and shoot second...maybe they were friendlies...

We finally came across one. It was big and hairy and about 9 foot tall. It shot a laser at everyone and they disinegrated. I was the last one standing and I started to talk to it. It paused. I spoke in poetry, long lengthy sentences. The more poetic I was the happier it became. It took me back to it's place of origin.

There things started to get really weird. Kermit the frog was the leader..
I was on a mattress and it was supported by these moving snail like creatures. I was afraid of crushing them but they seemed happy to support me. I asked about how to get my friends back to life and these two wise ladies told me to put on some movie like glasses and transport my consciousness to find Glinda the good witch.. I put them on..nothing looked differnt. I concentrated on one spot on the floor. I asked them what was supposed to happen. They said they didn't know; I had to make it happen. So I stared and they said "now" and I saw my body collapse and Glinda's bubble was in my conscious hands. I asked her to come and she said she'd be there in two days. I returned to my body and I told the ladies what she said; they smirked and told me that Glinda doesn't always understand time like we do.

This part b/cms random. Apparently my dream decided I had another bf besides matt who had been with me from the start. He was next to me and also the beast who brought me home turned into some muscle man from Jersey Shore. I was apparently married to him now or something but he accepted my first boyfriend. I was obviously in love with the boyfriend. I asked them if there was a beach around and the muscle man said yes, I said lets go swimming. THere were tons of people at the beach. I borrowed a swimsuit and spiced it up and we took off. This is when bf became Matt b/c we saw a bunch of people from high school and they were all like...look Matt and Jenny. But he didn't look like matt. He looked kinda like Vinnie from Jersey Shore.

Anyway..we went down to the water which was brown. "Matt" commented that they were crabbin in the polluted water. I smiled at him and I woke up.

It's really weird to look at your face.

It feels like all the years between us were just moments.

I can't stop looking at it. It hasn't changed. Same smile, same eyes, same red beard.

All the emotions and feelings and thoughts and experiences and changes I was going through at that time, that crazy special golden time between childhood and adulthood come rushing back with every glimpse of your picture.

I remember the first time I really noticed you. Our eyes met and lightening struck me. Only time in my life I've ever had that happen. Once, when Theron and I were rolling, I felt that lightening again. But different circumstance and different context.

You didn't write me back. You want me to call so that you can apologize. You say you are ashamed for how you treated me, how you acted toward me so long ago. I told you all is forgiven with time.

How far have we really come since then? Time moves so fast.

quick thoughts..

1. Baby blanket with Winkin Blinkin and Nod embroidered by me.

2. So Say We All Jacket.

3. Novel idea starting from reason why I went to turkey and expanded. Fiction. End up w/ traveling show idea. Follow me around Turkey. Can incorporate Hakan and more.
Start with When I was.....this is that story.

4. Need Daily Planner.

Longest week ever....

Seriously the longest week ever. Started school this week...the university is in dire straights but I'm not going to go on about it again. Lets just say it blows.

Nice to get some kitty time. Maxie seems to be a bit pissed and standoffish..probably b/c i left him home for so long by himself (well with my parents but without me..) and probably b/c princess fluffyface is following me around like a dog. Seriously she hasn't left my room since I got back.

I needed some time to myself but I'm missing Matt and I'm excited to see him today.

Going to bed now! So glad it's friday!!