A letter to an old friend..

For years, I've sat in darkness, waiting for a reason why I no longer have the comfort of my friend, the inspiration of her ideas and exuberance of her energy. Sisters we were in action and thought, in strength and love; I held you to highest esteem.

I cannot guess at the reason for the severity of my punishment.
I can only mention the grievances I may have caused you; perhaps you can point to one and our memories, while diverse in feeling, may cross in experience. I shall explain my reason behind each and maybe you may find that I was not acting out of cruelty (as maybe you suspect?)

1. Your suspicion/experience of Shannon going after Steve.
-Perhaps I didn't provide the support you needed at this point. I did talk to Shannon about it, and she said she was in love with Chris, as she always was. Perhaps you needed me to back you in this with more vigor, and I failed. Forgive me for falling into the position of a friend stuck between two friends. You were the friend I held in higher esteem.

2. Perhaps someone told you I thought you lied? When I was younger, I was quite paranoid. As much as I loved you, I suspected that sometimes you lied to me about why you couldn't see me, or what you were doing, or who you were with. There was much about you that was hidden even to me, close as I was to you. I could only reach so far and understand so much. I didn't talk of my doubts to many, but I suppose they might have fallen ill upon your ears. Forgive me for this, I'm now on Prozac that all but cures paranoia and anger.

3. I hadn't seen you in awhile, and I came to your house. I left quickly b/c you were high and talking about aliens. I was frustrated because I needed a heart to heart. I was being selfish and unreasonable. Instead of enjoying my time with my friend, and seeing where the conversation ended up, I left. Forgive me for this, I was young and foolish.

4. Not being there for you when you lived in Chance's house.
-I don't know how much you needed me at this time. It seemed we were in different worlds. I much resented the people who held you there, although I realize now you acted of your own free will. I wanted to be a part of your life but I couldn't find a place where I might fit. Drugs didn't agree with me, and I was intimidated by the artists that you lived with. I was afraid I wasn't the artist that they were and I would seem to them to be inferior. I'm sorry if you needed me and I wasn't there. I wasn't sure how to reach you (metaphorically).

5. One time you and Steve were waiting at Jason and my house.
I'm sorry if I treated you less than kind that day. I was moody and Jason and I were fighting. He didn't like the fact that you two showed up. Of course in my heart you were always welcome. Things differ when you are in a relationship, and you are young. You make mistakes with your friends. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad at any point.

These are my lists of grievances against you as I remember them. Perhaps you can point to one and say that it is my crime; that it is the reason you stayed so far away from me in heart and mind all these years. Perhaps you can shed some light.

If it is for another reason than these, then I truly do not know it. Perhaps its not even real. Please talk to me and tell me what was the poisoned arrow that pierced your lovely heart.

Yours,
Jenny