It's been awhile.

I feel like I should post about Matt but this relationship is so perfect..I don't feel like there is a lot of drama to share.

I just love him.

I cried this weekend b/c of a gift he gave me I wasn't expecting. I'm so used to being the giver...I'm not sure how to act when I receive.

He's amazing. I hate it when the weekend ends and he has to leave and go back to Houma, or I have to go back to New Orleans. I imagine we will be living together before 2009 is out.

I've been gone for almost a WEEk.

I was hiding in Houma for almost a week at Matt's being spoiled to death.

But now I'm back in New Orleans and thank goodness I came back last night because Houston's called this morning and I have to go in today because I'm HIRED.

I'm so psyched..ok it's just a silly waitressing job BUT..they make bank.

I was going to move to Houma but now I guess I'll stay here afterall.


Happy day...b/c I'm really broke lol.

third interview tomorrow!!

I love taking those job personality tests.

They are so easy to lie on..."Are you the type of person who likes to keep busy or likes to rest?

Duh.

Dreams and such

Last night I had a dream this creepy boy was trying to have sex with my cat. Then I realized it wasn't my cat, but I couldn't find my cat and there were all these orange tabbys...I was trying to find Max and it was hard. Eventually I found him though.

I have a second interview today for a job...don't really want it but who knows..maybe it will be cool in the end. I know the people who work there make about 1000 a week..so..I mean it would be nice to have money and save for a better car.

Things are going great with Matt. I'm really happy with him. Maybe because we've known each other so long or whatnot but everything comes easily with him.

Guy is going through an even rougher time than me..I've been trying to be there for him as much as possible b/c I know he doesn't have a lot of people here who he can turn to..and of course I care about him. He quit his job but he's getting a few piano students here and there..which is much better for him.

VEry very busy these days..today i have my second interview then matt is coming over..then tomorrow I have to go to UNO for a deferment on my tuition...then see if I can even get into school this semester..Honestly I won't be upset if I don't..I want to work for a few months and save money for a car.

My back is killing me!!!

And I just switched to linux..which is NOT compatable with my phone picture program so I guess that means that I'll be posting less pictures :(
I think I'll get a digital camera when I get my school money in.

School is about to start...It amazed me how quickly the summer went by..and what a summer whew.
I still have 4 exams to take from last semester :/

This summer was a joke. Really. Everything that happened was straight from a dream...which was sometimes a nightmare.

I'm still living the repercussions of that nightmare. N I didn't even get to go to the beach ONCE.
I'm still feeling groggy and out of it; I think part of that is my messed up sleep schedule however so I will be rectifying that situation as soon as possible. It includes a fast 12-16 hours before my targeted time to wake up, then resetting my cycle through food.

I'm not really sure what's going on with Guy. We are definitely friends..which is nice..I just don't know what else is going on. ..I can never tell with him. He has these plans and structures in his mind...I know what he wants and hopes for but I can't understand how it could come to pass by indifference towards us at this point.

Anyway, it's nice just to have him in my life. The neighbors are moving out and are going to rent their house (it's broken into two "apartments" like ours) and I'm thinking about renting one with Guy. I don't know how that would work out..I'm not sure if I could handle seeing him with girls..and obviously Matt would be around..and I try to put myself in his shoes..and think what it would be like if my boyfriend lived with his wife that he was separated from, how would I feel? Probably uncomfortable. So, I don't know. I know that he has to move out of his apartment with that dude soon..He's welcome to come here. I guess right now, to me, he feels something more of a best friend/brother, which, whatever, might be what a husband is for all I know.

He's family. That's the bottom line, and family always comes first.

I had the most beautiful dream last night:

I was on a peninsula of sorts...3 sides surrounded by ocean. Some parts were freezing and a half a mile down there would be people sunbathing and splashing about in the water. I rode my around the one road that circled the island near the water. I saw lots of different types of people...some were working in their gardens, some on their cars, some were wearing large hats and yellow bikinis and were obviously tennis moms/debutantes. Different houses, also. I've dreamt of this place before but last time I only saw the right side of it..and it was a bit dark in that dream..night time and I found a house with 7 floors, the middle one being made of lava..ancient elevators...anyway this time it was more like a watercolor. I remember wishing I could show it to Matt...wanting to show him there is a place to live where life could be beautiful and happy.

Then the dream shifted a bit and I had parked my car and taken my bike out..it was total country...long windy roads with no one there..Then these giant hedges started to appear..like in a secret garden...with flowers forming a closed overhang and pathway through the forest..it was so beautiful..but I do remember being afraid of getting lost..not knowing which way was north or south..or where I left my car. Then Chris Landry showed up, looking for his step mother's house, and I hid behind a bush and called out his name. He looked different..like I hadn't seen him in a long time.
The whole part of that dream was very surreal and well, dreamlike.

Then I woke up to Guy..banging on my door...I thought it was John for a minute and I panicked a bit.

I'm in operation avoid John atm. For obvious reasons.

Today just went to Cox Cable to get the box for my mom..she finally bitched enough at me about the channel availability..even though I told her she can watch everything her heart desires online..I suppose it's not the same. Guy came with me..then we ordered pizza..and I did my fafsa and he left. Glad I finally go that done..school starts in a week. Supposedly it only takes 4 days to process..I sure hope so b/c I was supposed to do it in January :/

Total slacking.

So Matt's really funny...I told him to make blueberry eggs last night and he did. He's also on a no carb all saturated fat diet..I don't know lol..he says he's already lost 2% body fat since starting it. He actually ate a bar of butter for dinner, with some carrots and a beef/tomato drink.

I have to laugh..because anyone else and it would be a joke..but he has no shame..the boy has no shame. Which makes me laugh so much...I mean wtf.

Next he says are horse steroids and some kind of appetite suppressant..this is what happens when you are a scientist at heart and bored. You end up experimenting on yourself.

I told him no way I'm coming around him for Roid week. crazy boy.

mmmm

Shrimp Jenny..named after me...so yummy. like a gumbo but with a white sauce..currently on my 4th bowl.

apparently i went through a pack of ciggs tonight. i was supposed to quit...fail.

i went to Fat Harry's to hang out with Keith Ferguson. He's famous you know. HE laughs when i say that. whatever his band signed with warner brothers and opened for REM. I met the cutest boy tonight at Jake and Snake's...Jed. Then he left. I wish Matt was here..

so.

Now, I have a new boyfriend. And I like him a lot. He's really quite amazing.

He does have this thing about human touch. As in he doesn't like it so much..it activates his fight or flight senses in his brain. I did some research, it's called SPD..or Sensory Perception Disorder..meaning that sometimes certain senses, for him, touch, don't completely cycle through the correct response in the brain to get to a non threatening and pleasurable input state. They get train-wrecked at fight or flight.

I find this totally interesting..and I'm very ok with it..mostly because I don't want to move very fast anyway and my attraction to him, while physical (he's very attractive) is mostly intellectual and emotional. We've known each other a long time....no need to play games or hide anything...we are pretty direct with each other. It's really nice when you reconnect with old friends; things are truly different in comparison to the effort you show and the masks you put on and the sensing and judging you have to do when you are with someone you've just met.

So the initial "I like you, Matt" thing was funny...we were sitting by the river and his body language was toward me..he even had his arm across the back of my bench, but he like never made a move lol.(Because of the touch thing I'm guessing). We started holding hands somehow..I think I grabbed his hand ...actually...I don't want to share this. It's too precious. I think I'll keep it for myself and him.

August 8th 2009. I have a feeling this is something special.

IN other news..Roller Derby..I tried out..I was like a fish out of water though on those skates..it's been 10 years..but Swerve assures me that all the girls are like that when they first start. I watched a fake bout...zomg so fun..and they look so great...lots of falling though lol but also lots of gear to protect you so I imagine falling isn't so scary with all that on.

I'm going to try to join them.
Swerve says I'm in if I want in.

I have a million things to do today..I should get on it.

Well..

tomorrow is shaping up to be quite a day.

Roller Derby in HOuma from 11-1 ..then drive back to NO and meet up with Matt around 3 or 4..insectarium...then possibly dirty linen night downtown. I'm not supposed to wash my linen but I think I will because white with dirt? Even for dirty linen..I'm not going to be that girl :P

Looking forward to seeing Matt..we have such a great time together.

I'm curious to see where our relationship goes..we've known each other forever but this reconnecting thing is going well. I would be happy to keep him as a friend but I have to admit that I do find myself thinking about him for hours after I leave him.

He said he wants to talk to me throughout the day to bounce ideas off of me and get my imput. He said it's concerning :P

It would be to him..he doesn't care a lot about what most people think.

I definitely don't expect declarations of love from Matt. I think just the fact that he wants to spend so much time with me is telling in itself. I'm enjoying the time we have together and I'm ok being single at the moment. But, I have a feeling this could end up in a different situation eventually, if things continue the way they are.

I hope I feel better tomorrow...it's going to be a long day. Girl days are upon me and it's really bad timing for all the things I have planned.

Monday is job hunting day...I have major bills this month and need some income soon.

ouch..my head...

Andygator..beer with 9 percent alcohol. I drank 3 and ouchhhh I was still drunk this morning when I woke up.

Whew...John brought me OJ and aspirin, bless his heart.

I can't even type more today lol.

My brain is fuzzy.

AND..I need a bit of help from a sebastion lol..

I don't want to jinx it but...

There may be something there that wasn't there before...

So..

last night was super duper fun. I went into the salon where Kristi and my sister Marion work. I went in looking like I had on a bad wig from Cleopatra...except not half as hawt.

Let me backtrack. I accidentally dyed my hair black. How does one accidentally dye their hair the wrong colour? Well..the fucking box said DARK BROWN. I left it on for 5 minutes longer than the time said..and voila! Jet Black Cleopatra hair.

It was lookin baaaaad. Well my choices were to strip it..and therfore gain a fro...with all the fried ends...or...try to get a cute cut. Kristi sat me down in her chair and said..."I'm going to give you a female mullet." My eyes widened in protest at this point. "I know it sounds scary, but, it's soooo cute. trust me. "

"Ok kristi. I guess if I don't like it we can always cut off more...right???!!??"

It came out so cute! I love it. She uses a razor to cut my entire head. How cool is that!

So then I called Matt, I went to his house and he had on O' reilly factor lol. He convinced me to watch it for 5 minutes while I bitched at him about republicans before he turned to me and said.."you know I don't really watch this stuff right?"

I CAN NEVER TELL WITH HIM IF HE'S BEING SERIOUS OR NOT. sometimes i can..but..its HARD. His serious face and voice is EXACTLY like his joking voice. And he's always joking almost. It's been like this since high school..and I must say it keeps me laughing. We saw roseanne dressed up as hitler eating jew cookies she baked in her oven. wtf ...im not even joking.

wtf was she thinking.

Then we went out to dinner..Thai...was very yummy yummy...Matt's on an all fat no carb diet so i think he had some trouble findind something to eat. yeah...might be a lie..i cant tell lol.

i asked him about a trillion times if he was being serious about the all fat thing...he swears and gave me statistics..showed me the fatty brisket in his freezer..sigh..here goes another Turgay :P

He had me laughing all night. After dinner we were like..wtf we do now..its houma...

so he told me if i couldn't decide on a place..which i can't (he knows im an INFP) then he would take me to Rouses. And walmart. And books a million. (BAM!)

He wasn't lying about the first and last. We did go to both. At BAM we found a book on 365 sexual positions. the girl only moved her legs around a few times to change it lol. Then we went to Rouses. Matt said he would be upset if I didn't experience the culture in the local grocery stores. We looked at some old, old sushi. He bet me a dollar to eat it. I didn't..it really looked nasttty. Then we explored the fatty meat section. Because he wanted to hear me squeal I suppose.

Then we wanted to spend more time so he drove me back to Bourg. Hung out with Marion and Cody for a min..My Negro Modela was still in the fridge ..yum...

Picked up my kitty max...drove me back to his house and said goodnight. Max slept on my lap the whole ride home.

I have MAJOR cleaning to do after Sassy being here. she shit all over the guest room. She refused to use the litterbox and infested my house with fleas. Right now I'm washing EVERYTHING..then I'm going to cut out the carpet in the guest room..then I'll vacuum..bathe max...and hopefully problem will be solved.

Oh, I think I have a stalker. I talked to this guy one time and now he's like...omg i missed you..hugs and kisses..ive spent the last hour trying to explain to him that i only talked to you once....um..how are we in love? its a bit frightning.

wrote katie an apology...hope she ..well...i hope that she can forgive me.

unfortunately i also learned she reads my blog today..so anything i say from this point on she might consider me writing it for her sake. This blog was always my place to put my thoughts..without being judged for it..or without worrying about what I'm typing and who might read it. When I write, I pretend like I'm the only one who exists. I plan on keeping that format..regardless of who's watching.

That's all for now..

Friends.

I am in a MUCH healthier place now. I'm not seeking attention from anyone anymore. I'm comfortable with myself as a person; I have specific goals I want to reach, and I'm realizing who I care about, and why. Friendship is mucho importante to me at the moment..I'm also realizing that I'd be totally ok being a cat lady for the rest of my life and living with Emily in a cat haven :D

People are so beautiful. I've been blessed to have some of the most amazing people in my life...how could one girl get so lucky in the friend department? For every time I choose myself over one of them, I'm sorry. It was a hard lesson and it won't happen again. Chalk it up to immaturity. I've finally realized that this actual world is just as worth living in as the one I tried to create in my mind.

That's healthy. That's where I need and want to be. That's where I find myself, finally, after 28 years.

I'm also realizing that the real part of being healthy in life is loving yourself and being comfortable with yourself, being a friend and someone you can admire. Being someone you are proud to be. That's what I'm doing now. It's hard..you have to be brutally honest with yourself and the people around you. But you never have to be cruel. Only honest.

I'm also realizing that another main part of being healthy is learning to accept what life gives you, the good and the bad. No one lives in a world where everything is 100 percent happy all the time. I can't believe I believed that was possible for me.
I tried everything to create that..all the while ignoring who I was..while I was screaming to myself to just focus on me for awhile. Is this what it means to grow up? Possibly part of the process..I'm glad I'm realizing it now..although I hurt some people along the way, mostly myself.

I'm happy with the every day things now...going out to dinner with friends...watching John grow a mustache..looking for alligators in the bayou with Kylie..redeveloping lost friendships with people I never should have taken for granted.

Doing my schoolwork; loving my family; hanging out with my husband; these are things I'm happy with.

I'm doing good.

Poetry..Piazza New York Catcher by Belle and Sebastian.

Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll sail around the world
I will be your Ferdinand and you my wayward girl
How many nights of talking in hotel rooms can you take?
How many nights of limping round on pagan holidays?
Oh elope with me in private and we’ll set something ablaze
A trail for the devil to erase
San Francisco’s calling us, the Giants and Mets will play
Piazza, New York catcher, are you straight or are you gay?
We hung about the stadium, we’ve got no place to stay
We hung about the tenderloin and tenderly you tell
About the saddest book you ever read
It always makes you cry
The statue’s crying too and well he may.

I love you I’ve a drowning grip on your adoring face
I love you my responsibility has found a place
Beside you and strong warnings in the guise of gentle words
Come wave upon me from the family why not that's absurd
“You’ll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job”
Maybe, but not what she deserves
Elope with me Miss Private and we’ll drink ourselves awake
We’ll taste the coffee houses and award certificates
A privy seal to keep the feel of 1960's style
We’ll comment on the decor and we’ll help the passer by
And at dusk when work is over we’ll continue the debate
In a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare
The catcher hits for .318 and catches every day
The pitcher puts religion first and rests on holidays
He goes into cathedrals and lies prostrate on the floor
He knows the drink affects his speed he’s praying for
a doorway
Back into the life he wants and the confession of the bench
Life outside a diamond is a wrench
I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend
I know it wouldn’t come to love, my heroine pretend
A lady stepping from the songs we love until this day
You’d settle for an epitaph like “Walk Away, Renee”
The sun upon the roof in winter will draw you out like
a flower
Meet you at the statue in an hour
Meet you at the statue in an hour

whoa

I'm just now realizing what happened..how selfish I was. Both of us...wow. I never ever want to be that person again...and I lost two great friends in the process. I miss Katie. Man, she must hate me. Wow. How could I have been that selfish and self-absorbed? That's not me. That's not who I choose to be. Jesus Christ...what a fantasy land I was living in..one where consequences didn't have a meaning to me.

Those kids...I took away their father..even if for a short time...jesus christ.

I'm so so sorry.