Ugh

So yesterday, during the debates, I asked if we could please hear what Obama was saying too, because he kept talking over him every time. I got told, "How dare you tell me to be quiet? You be quiet, you sound like some barking junkyard dog." Extra points for being creative with the descriptions though; if he was in my writing class my teacher would give him accolades for describing the dog as junkyard.

This morning I get greeted with, "It's 8 o'clock. get up." He never wakes before me. WTH. "Ok, I know, I have my snooze on, just go back to sleep, what are you fussing about?" He's kicking the bed and sighing and all. Then he says, "What are you going to do today?" And I say, "I have class at two." And he says, jumping out of bed and walking out the bedroom, "Good, because I just want to make sure you don't sit around eating food all day blowing up like you did yesterday--do you want me to cheat on you? We haven't had sex in months."

Well no shit..the reason we haven't had sex is because every fucking time I start to feel close to you again, you say something hurtful like you did this morning. Nevermind that I've lost 13 lbs in the past month and god knows how many inches; my pants don't fit and I continue to lose about 2 a week. Nevermind that yesterday I was working on homework that was late b/c my best friend basically tried to kill herself and because I worked all weekend (he doesn't have a job of course). It required me to be on the computer. And yes, I ate some food. I had a meatpie and a stuffed mirliton at lunch, then I had about 5 bites of ice cream in the afternoon, then later on, even though I wasn't hungry, I ate a tiny bowl of your stew (don't you remember saying, did you eat? It doesn't look like you ate much.). Well I didn't....I wasn't hungry, I just ate so you would feel good about cooking. And yes, later on, around 10, I ate three bits of pumpkin pie. I had cut out a large slice, but after three bites, I wasn't hungry and didn't eat the rest. My eating habits have changed. I do small portions and I stop when I'm full, which means I'm losing weight, constantly.

He is so emotionally immature. I know he's frustrated, and I sympathize, but I wasn't put on this Earth to make him happy. I have my own shit, and yeah it's not perfect, but you work through it. I don't even know how to act...I just don't want to be around him today. I want to be around him when he's kind. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


Update: He was off his meds for the past 3 days. How quickly things deteriorated. He got back on today. People need to stay on their meds man, that's the second time in a week someone I love got off meds and went nuts.

Thoughts

It's been awhile. My best friend is in France and not doing well. She basically wants to off herself because life is a mixture of too beautiful and too painful and then--nothing. I know how she feels. I just want to show her that the moments of happiness are worth it. I think it's worth it because I love loving. I love loving people. It's enough.

Everyone has to have their thing.

Everyone has the same right to life.

I think I'm becoming pro-life also. But for sure pro-sterilization/birth control also.

People should stop having multiple kids. The world is too populated. One is enough. Two, at most.

Things are weird..I can't write. I have a paper due that's late--about my job as a phone operator for an escort service--and I'm having a hard time. I think I'm all over the place with my emotions lately..and have no one to talk to about it because I trust no one. Nada. None. If S were here I would probably say something to her about it, but she's not, and I may not have anyway. It's all boring bullshit anyway. No one wants to hear about internal conflict of the heart.

People want to be shocked. Entertained. They want to feel secure.

Trust no one aye?

That's where I"m at.