balloons. two of them. yellow and green. Giant balloon. Green. floated over traffic and everything. Was looking for my home, but I couldn't remember where I lived. Only the town. I floated over highways and bridges and ruins of bridges and long forests of trees, and then rocky nothingness...hillbillies who were drunk and in chains and black netting..looking for some helium.
My sister rolled two joints for me in a hotel room.
Exactly what I needed.
I was in a trailer and I was playing an MMORPG. online. I was a beautiful girl. People would watch but I would close the blinds. There was a lamp. I broke the flat screen. I was waiting..for something that has still never come and won't.
Life is about settling sometimes. That shits in fairytales. you make your own dreams. There is no magical balloon, but I can have a trailer and an MMORPG. No one will watch though. Why would they?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
SSC
beautiful. for me? I think so. Miss. tried to contact. no luck. Miss.
Miss miss miss.
Miss miss miss.
Beauty.Tears fall. High emotions. Sill. after all this time. music man..it does something. especially when you were the Muse.
It is a mad thing. :( love always.
Miss miss miss.
Miss miss miss.
Beauty.Tears fall. High emotions. Sill. after all this time. music man..it does something. especially when you were the Muse.
It is a mad thing. :( love always.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Ok. Starwars and Demons and auditory hallucinations.
Been meaning to put this down for a couple days now.
But first...I have auditory hallucinations from time to time. It's always the same thing and it always wakes me up from sleeping. Its my mom's voice saying my name urgently. Just once. Its so loud and urgent I always wake up and say "What?" I had to go check on her last night just to be sure I was hallucinating and she wasn't in trouble or something. When I was younger, it was "Jenny". Now its "Jen".
My dream:
First of all, in my dream world Starwars was the entire structure behind the universe. There were starwars gods and everyone's religion and spirituality had to do with Star Wars. So every year, on the same night, there was a Star Wars celebration. You built something and tried to launch it to the heavens to reach the gods. So I was dating Matt, who was a father with two small sons. The mood was joyful and eventful and we were all having fun. The landscape was very open...stars were totally visible..the earth was a mixture of swamp and forests..depending on where you were. So we launch what Matt and the boys built, and a part of it flew off into the swamp (but it was a stable swamp..more like a field with small waterways that were easily traversed.) I ran off happily and looked for the piece. I found it..although it was a bit far from the house. I started hurrying back, my spirits still high. As I was running back I heard a noise over my shoulder. I looked back and there were three white people running for their lives. Chasing them was a black dog with a red head with horns. A demon. The white people ran in one direction and I ran faster toward the wood. It didn't follow them. It chose to follow me. It quickly overcame me.
The demon grabbed me and told me I was now its property. It rose into the sky with me and I knew my life was about to become hell. I asked it, in a tone that already knew the sorrowful answer, if I was about to be raped. It grinned and said yes.
My dream shifted to what was in the sky, 15 years later. I was seducing the demon. Not because I wanted to, but because it would rape me anyway if I didn't and at least this way I had a semblance of control. I saw it had a huge red penis. I knew it would hurt. Then the scene shifted again and my best friend had been captured by the demon! I asked her how Matt was doing and she told me that he had gone back to school to get another degree. I started sobbing. The pain was too much, hearing that he was advancing his life and had moved on. Probably thought I was dead. I knew I'd never see him again. We were just a star in the sky.
It was the night of the Star Wars celebration again. Something launched into the air. Only this time it went so high..I watched it streak into the sky from a ground perspective. It rose to the stars. And in the stars, it settled in a cut out nook of my friends dress. It fit perfectly. We were shocked.
The demon dropped to his knees. "It is a sign of the gods." He said. "Even I am not allowed to ignore it." And with that, I was back on earth.
It hadn't been as long as 15 years on earth. Matt's boys were still smallish. Maybe 5 years. Maybe less. I walked up to his house. He had built a house while I was gone. I walked in. He was shocked to see me, and embraced me, and we cried and laughed and cried again. He showed me around the house he had built, it was quirky and artistic and I loved it. We laid down to make love. He held me close and I felt safe.
I took a job in a clothing store. One day when I was working, the demon arrived again. He was looking for me and had smelled me out. I hid behind the clothes, hoping that he couldn't find me. I believe I just made it out but knew that I couldn't be that carefree again b/c whatever had kept him away after he released me had obviously expired.
Then I woke up.
But first...I have auditory hallucinations from time to time. It's always the same thing and it always wakes me up from sleeping. Its my mom's voice saying my name urgently. Just once. Its so loud and urgent I always wake up and say "What?" I had to go check on her last night just to be sure I was hallucinating and she wasn't in trouble or something. When I was younger, it was "Jenny". Now its "Jen".
My dream:
First of all, in my dream world Starwars was the entire structure behind the universe. There were starwars gods and everyone's religion and spirituality had to do with Star Wars. So every year, on the same night, there was a Star Wars celebration. You built something and tried to launch it to the heavens to reach the gods. So I was dating Matt, who was a father with two small sons. The mood was joyful and eventful and we were all having fun. The landscape was very open...stars were totally visible..the earth was a mixture of swamp and forests..depending on where you were. So we launch what Matt and the boys built, and a part of it flew off into the swamp (but it was a stable swamp..more like a field with small waterways that were easily traversed.) I ran off happily and looked for the piece. I found it..although it was a bit far from the house. I started hurrying back, my spirits still high. As I was running back I heard a noise over my shoulder. I looked back and there were three white people running for their lives. Chasing them was a black dog with a red head with horns. A demon. The white people ran in one direction and I ran faster toward the wood. It didn't follow them. It chose to follow me. It quickly overcame me.
The demon grabbed me and told me I was now its property. It rose into the sky with me and I knew my life was about to become hell. I asked it, in a tone that already knew the sorrowful answer, if I was about to be raped. It grinned and said yes.
My dream shifted to what was in the sky, 15 years later. I was seducing the demon. Not because I wanted to, but because it would rape me anyway if I didn't and at least this way I had a semblance of control. I saw it had a huge red penis. I knew it would hurt. Then the scene shifted again and my best friend had been captured by the demon! I asked her how Matt was doing and she told me that he had gone back to school to get another degree. I started sobbing. The pain was too much, hearing that he was advancing his life and had moved on. Probably thought I was dead. I knew I'd never see him again. We were just a star in the sky.
It was the night of the Star Wars celebration again. Something launched into the air. Only this time it went so high..I watched it streak into the sky from a ground perspective. It rose to the stars. And in the stars, it settled in a cut out nook of my friends dress. It fit perfectly. We were shocked.
The demon dropped to his knees. "It is a sign of the gods." He said. "Even I am not allowed to ignore it." And with that, I was back on earth.
It hadn't been as long as 15 years on earth. Matt's boys were still smallish. Maybe 5 years. Maybe less. I walked up to his house. He had built a house while I was gone. I walked in. He was shocked to see me, and embraced me, and we cried and laughed and cried again. He showed me around the house he had built, it was quirky and artistic and I loved it. We laid down to make love. He held me close and I felt safe.
I took a job in a clothing store. One day when I was working, the demon arrived again. He was looking for me and had smelled me out. I hid behind the clothes, hoping that he couldn't find me. I believe I just made it out but knew that I couldn't be that carefree again b/c whatever had kept him away after he released me had obviously expired.
Then I woke up.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
A Nightmare.
I flew through the air like I always did when I'm being chased. Flight, gently touching rooftops; traveling faster than one could walk, or drive. I land in a busy section of the city; the bustle and night should have cloaked me better than any disguise. Yet there he was, right around the corner from me. He saw me. I watched him come toward me as I ran, stuck to the ground this time. I hid behind a curtain in a merchant stall. Its not possible. How did he get here as fast as me. Flight has always been my savior.
He found me immediately. His large, meaty hand reaches out and grabs me by the neck. I'm done for. The only thing that can save me is a shift of scene.
It started at our workplace. Two women, a few men, one with whom I'm very close. My coworker (lets call her Susie) says she has a stalker. She's afraid to walk to her car at night. So we start the trek with the men accompanying us to our cars. It's a long walk. I can feel eyes following me from the dark places in the night. We hear something in the bushes. The men want to investigate. I ask them, "Will you leave us alone then? By ourselves?" They say, "just for a minute." They walk off into the darkness. Its quiet for a minute then there he is. Huge. Taller than tall. Wide. Legs like tree-stalks. Arms like blocks. Hairy. His hair is wild and unkempt. I can't see his face behind that hair. He starts toward us. We run for the office, Susie and I. He's so fast...so fast...I fly...
He's got me. A scene shift is what I need. My brain complies.
I'm in my house. Its the kind of house where I normally wouldn't lock the doors. Its in a quiet neighborhood. But night is falling and remembering the man I lock the doors. I rush to do so. All the doors locked. My baby in my hands. I feel like its barely in time. Something draws me to the front door. I walk to it slowly, and pull back the curtain that covers the small window built into the door. I peek out into the night and all I see is a silhouette of a man's head right in front of me . It breaks into a grin. "Hello, Beautiful" he says, from the other side of the glass.
I am static with terror.
He found me immediately. His large, meaty hand reaches out and grabs me by the neck. I'm done for. The only thing that can save me is a shift of scene.
It started at our workplace. Two women, a few men, one with whom I'm very close. My coworker (lets call her Susie) says she has a stalker. She's afraid to walk to her car at night. So we start the trek with the men accompanying us to our cars. It's a long walk. I can feel eyes following me from the dark places in the night. We hear something in the bushes. The men want to investigate. I ask them, "Will you leave us alone then? By ourselves?" They say, "just for a minute." They walk off into the darkness. Its quiet for a minute then there he is. Huge. Taller than tall. Wide. Legs like tree-stalks. Arms like blocks. Hairy. His hair is wild and unkempt. I can't see his face behind that hair. He starts toward us. We run for the office, Susie and I. He's so fast...so fast...I fly...
He's got me. A scene shift is what I need. My brain complies.
I'm in my house. Its the kind of house where I normally wouldn't lock the doors. Its in a quiet neighborhood. But night is falling and remembering the man I lock the doors. I rush to do so. All the doors locked. My baby in my hands. I feel like its barely in time. Something draws me to the front door. I walk to it slowly, and pull back the curtain that covers the small window built into the door. I peek out into the night and all I see is a silhouette of a man's head right in front of me . It breaks into a grin. "Hello, Beautiful" he says, from the other side of the glass.
I am static with terror.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
