I'm driving down Claiborne today

And I see the Shell station and John and Ian are talking about how after 3 am it's not a great time to be here..and I think of him.

I go to my ImageShack page to take down some pictures of myself I don't want to share anymore and I see him there, smiling, his beautiful face and body.

I'm trying hard not to open and look at his pictures. I don't want to cry anymore. I just want it to not hurt.

I wonder if he saved mine. Of course not, it wouldn't be his style. He erased them from his computer just like he erased me from his life. Just a few clicks, a small yahoo conversation, a text telling me this is the last time he will write, see you next lifetime, and goodbye.

That's all it takes to have someone out of your life. A few clicks. a non reply. There's nothing I can do. And I miss him terribly. I miss our conversations, I miss loving him, no, being free to love him. I miss all the days we will never have together. He'll never push me out a plane, that's a big one. I'll never buy him another snowball that makes his tongue turn red. We'll never type the same idea or say the same thing at the same time again. We'll never rock rock band. We'll never go hiking together, or to Spain. I'll never have a chance to love his dogs, or feel his expensive sheets. I'll never run my hands over his beautiful skin again..thats a big one. I'll never make him smile. He'll never hold me and kiss me and lay me down to make gentle missionary love, the best missionary love. We'll never get to explore beyond that. We thought we had time. All the time in the world. He ended us with a few clicks.

I'm in so much pain. I never thought anything could hurt this badly. This is as bad as when my dad died. I'm mourning for a future I'll never have.