trying to get a ride to houma..

I'm trying to get my sister to come and get me so I can go to the Slowtheknife show tonight. Todd is going to pay my way into VIP so I can chill like a rock star. This presents a dilemma because I threw out all my punk rock and metal clothes. I'm at a loss as to what I should wear..I feel silly wearing that stuff anyhow. I'm really not into metal but Todd has actually turned out to be a really great friend.

When I sent that suicide message to my call list yesterday, he was the first to respond and called me, kept bothering me, and even into the night and this morning was checking up on me. Weird how life is like that..you think certain people play certain roles, and then 8 years can pass and their role becomes a very different one, or they become important when they weren't in the past.

Either way I'm grateful for everyone who wrote to me yesterday..except Mike of course, his texts were frustrating, weak and ridiculous..but even he helped me, by pissing me off..he moved me from suicidal to just plain angry. Jai especially has been very helpful during these times...we are going through something very similar..not only relationship/love wise but also lifewise. Creative souls sometimes get lost in the cracks. We have to try harder to maintain our own truths while balancing the reality of the day.

I deleted all his texts messages last night. Mike's I mean, and Katie's. I deleted their numbers from my phone and blocked them from my yahoo and msn. I almost deleted my myspace, because I know she is watching me, but then I remembered all the blogs I have there, my poetry and my pictures from turkey..so I decided against it. It's also hard to log into myspace and not check her status, but it hurts so much everytime..I've found the strength to stay away. Basically I'm torn..between moving on, forgetting about this and putting it behind me, and wanting to wait, not wanting him completely out of my life because I remember how sweet the love was. But I know the first option is best, especially after how he's treated me the past few days; he's made it clear he doesn't want me in his life in any form. It's best to think ill of him, get angry, think I was wrong about the love, it was more in my head, and to move on. To see him as a fail human instead of putting him on soulmate pedestal and having that hurt live in me forever.

I did that once with Chris Eaton. Took me 5 years and a very nasty night with him to realize he wasn't the person I remembered him being..that he was fallable, and capable of cruelty and mistake. Then I moved on. I put Mike on that same pedastal..except higher because I'm older and I truly was able to recognize our similarities and hope on a great future. I was wrong to do that...everyone is fallable, especially men.

Now I'm moving on. They have dissappeared from my life. I'm only sad we couldn't remain friends; we should've remained friends in the first place. Only we were so excited about our friendship that we let it take the next step. He wasn't ready.

Oh well. chalk it up to fucking life. I'll move on..thinking of moving to Durango..already started that conversation with my family there. Lots of white water rafting and mountains and hiking...I could submerge myself in work there for a year then go to a real liberal arts college. For journalism this time. I'm not going to turn my back on my talents anymore; I love to write and travel..time to get serious about my own life.

I wish them luck. I do. It hurts to have him out of my life but I don't want him in it in the form he has adopted.

That's all for now.