I hate titles.

I wish this were a private blog. But as far as I know the only person reading it is The Best Amanda and maybe Jai, though I'm sure he'll forget about it. No one else cares about my stupid life. They have their own shit to blog/not blog about.

Warning: This is going to long. and maybe uncomfortable. a bit depressing and probably even uncouth.

Also: Sidenote :: I quit smoking yesterday. So everything that I would normally perceive as super crappy anyway is promoted to the status of THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD. Imagine placing all my problems on the ground, mixing it with broken glass, then making me walk barefoot over it with a 20lb weight on my shoulder. That would be like 10kg for all you East Oceaners.

That's what I feel like today.

Issue number one..(because it's practically useless to itemize, and nothing productive has come from this day yet!):
My parents are very close to losing their house. Now it says "In Forclosure" and "Something really shitty about IRS stuff" on their credit. Why does this suck so royallY? well beyond the most obvious reasons..that they are about to loose their house and have their credit destroyed for practically ever, they are actually NOW making enough money to save it. Just rather bad timing. Also...aggrivation with parents note: They JUST realized this when the appraiser showed up at the house. My mom said, "I didn't know we were 4 months behind on the house note." "Neither did Bruce" (my stepdad). oh rly? Why the fuck not? If you are late on a bill, shouldn't you know it? This is a major major point of headache I feel for my parents. They are HORRIBLE at bill pay. I know it's because they used to not have enough money to pay them, so their brains actually evolved into this state of just pretending like they didn't exist until money dropped from the sky. Which it always did. Always. But now, with the econonmy, and the credit situations, it's like they can't catch a break. Which is IRONIC because now they are making over 11,000 a month combined..and they can totally pay it off. But they don't have time to save. It's going now.

Another point of aggrivation with my parents: (mostly my mom..stepdad doesn't make or enforce anything) My sisters live in that house. Rent free. With their husbands. One of the families..Christine's ..makes 4000 a month. They pay, maybe, 800 a month in bills? The rest goes to eating out, and weed. My other sister's family, Marion, they make probably around 1500 a month. They pay about 150 a month in bills, and the rest goes to weed.

Kick their motherfucking asses out on the curb, and sell your fucking house mom if they don't want to pay rent.

Right? Am I wrong? But NEVER will this happen. My parents will hope for miracles..force me to stay in school so they can maybe get loans through me...anything BUT argue with the Girls about paying rent. About living in their fucking house that is about to get repossed..they can't pay a fucking 975 dollar rent between 4 of them? wtf.

fuck you and fuck you too.

Ah im so pissed. I spent all day filling out loan applications for my mom through school. Guess what? I seriously doubt I'm even going to school next semester. And I need a cosigner. Guess what my mom said to that? Put me down. O rly crazy? You want me to tell these loan people that you, whose house is in default, and who can't get a loan herself without a cosigner, that you are going to be my cosigner? And you think they will approve us? HA. I got the first rejection letter back immediately. This is fucking ridik. riDIKulous. And it hurts. It really really hurts..I want to help..I don't think it's fair they are going to go down like this..after sooo many miracles...you have no idea..so many miracles ...money just appeared when we needed it..when we thought everything was lost...it was there..and now that they are capable of making it, now the luck runs out?

Hey, God,

I get it. I really do. You can only bang someone on the fucking head a million times before you get tired. I know that they've had AMPLE opportunities to get this stuff straight. I know they have. I know they have all the resources and they are still acting like idiots. But ok. Please then, please send someone in that will make them see once and for all how to fucking handle money!!!!

Not for a week, not for a day, but for life!!!!

She won't listen to me. I need someone ..someone she'll listen too..they both will listen too. please.

This shit is just going to continue.

Issue number 2: School.. I'm so sick of talking about this and going over it in my head... I want to be a brilliant artist. GUess what..I have the personality for it, the creativity even, but I'm not. I'm not particularly talented at any one thing. I can write all right..but I don't YEARN to write. I don't wake up in the middle of the night with stories in my brain. I can't draw, I don't have a clue if I can act but I'm pretty sure I'm getting up there in years..and oh yeah..I'm fucking SHY. I should've been a dancer. I had the talent. I had Incredible talent for dance when I was young..accelerated classes, compliments from teachers...but I got out of that. I could KILL my mom for letting me quit that. Again, too old...

So what? I'm stuck in fucking school. Getting a psych degree. Do I like psych? eh, sometimes. I hate science. its a lot of fucking science. I like the IDEA of science, but I am so horrible at spatial relations and math..I can't enjoy it. I watch my cousin, for example. He has his PHD in psych, and he has to struggle for his job, and is thinking about going back to school after all that time getting a PHD to become a nurse. WTF.

Then I see Dr. Allyson Bennett. She's 34. She also has a PHD, and a Practice in Clincal Psychology. She teaches Sex Psych. HOw fun is that. She's great. She inspired me.

I HATE SCHOOL. I don't want to do it anymore. I also don't want to do any of the menial jobs I would have to get and work my way up into if I weren't pursuing a degree.

So I'm stuck. When I ask myself what I would truly like to do (based on what makes me happy) I have a few things that come to mind: 1. Dance
2. Discuss Literature
3. Travel and meet people.

That's pretty much it. Oh maybe make some jewelry.

So those are my fav. life paths. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that.

Dance is out. I'm sorry but it is. It's for the youth, I'm about 7 years too old to make it in that business.

Discuss Literature...ok...I could do that. But I hate teaching. It's shitty pay..and tons of work. I did it before. True, not at a PHD college level..hey maybe that's more fun...but again we are back to soooo muchhhhh fuckikkkking schooool...

3. Travel and meet people. Journalism? I should mention now I hate the news.

So, there we have it. These are the Gayest Moments Of My So-called Life.

Let's see how I'm doing, shall we?
Issue #3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8,
I have no job
I have no source of income at all
I have no money
I'm stalling on completing my assignments for exams because I have sooooooo much on my mind...I can't concentrate..I can't fucking get this shit in perspective.
I have no car.
I have no friends in this city.
My boyfriend, possibly the only person on earth who can make me feel like my life isn't in shambles, is 13 hours away by car.
And the kicker folks! My mom doesn't have a car either b/c I got the fucking thing stolen. And she has to take any money she managed to save up..which I'm not entirely optimistic about the amount considering the way they handle money, and put it on the fucking house they are about to lose because she won't sell it or charge my sister's rent!!!


Ugh.

Also, I have been in a really huge slump personally. Which isn't surprising considering all this stuff. I keep forgetting to take my prozac, mostly because I really don't feel it's helping much at this point, so I don't care enough to remember. I'll be out of medicine in about two weeks...about the same time my phone will get cut off, my account will go into a negative balance with overdraft charges included, and I'll have run out of contacts.

So, get a job, right? Absolutely. I put in tons of applications today. I'm going to get back out there tomorrow..it won't be soon enough for a paycheck to save my ass medically or bill wise..which is fucking so aggrivating because trulyneed I only need like 100 for my bills and 40? for my medicine, if that much. But it's going to cost me like almost 100 dollars in overdraft fees and another however much it will be to get my phone back on. probably another 100.

So 200 extra dollars because I don't have that 140 for this month.

Fucking suck ass.

I'm so tired of this shit. I'm tired of working the jobs that I have to work, I'm tired. Some days I really think that it would be better just not to exist. And I know that's lame, lot's of people have it way worse than me. Way worse. Wayyyyyyyy wayyyyyyyy worse. But everyone's universe contains their own personal heaven and hell. And my hell is looming very large and the flames are licking my waist at this point. And honestly, if I had it in me, I would just not exist. Unfortunately I'm not the kind of person that could cause that kind of harm to herself. I've tried. I just can't do it. I imagine my family after I'm gone..I imagine the person who has to find me..if I think my family has it hard now...imagine what that would do to them. Plus I was raised Catholic and although I don't believe..My fav. movie is What Dreams May Come and the line that sticks out at me now is "And the truth is that suicides go to hell? ??? What kind of justice is that???"

"The true hell is your life gone wrong."

Truer words were never spoken. I know it's not over. I'm very optimistic..and I realize that suicidal thoughts usually come with me not taking my medicine...like I didn't do today. I just ...I guess more than anything I feel overwhelmed. I don't have the motivation anymore...it doesn't excite me...I want to get lost in the fucking woods, and never see another human being again that I don't want to see. I don't want to be in society. I don't want to dance the dance anymore, I don't want to lie anymore, I don't want to be anything else but me.

I'm not made for this. I'm truly expecting my next lifetime to be spent as a Manatee.
Endangered, Protected, Under the Water where all I can hear are my own fart bubbles. I'm sending that energy out into the universe so it will come to pass.