What do you say when there is so much to say?
Really I'm just about contemplating how dream like life is. Was it the Hindus or Buddhists that said that life is another dream state? It feels like that, doesn't it? I feel like all the little things are just buzzing bees around my head, I can tune them in or tune them out. What's real is my writing. What's real is whether or not I have a house to live in. What's real is John. And even these things are in a dream state most of the time. John becomes upset about something small, I tell him all that matters is that we are here with each other, at this time in place. It's true yes? Yesterday is a memory and the future hasn't happened.
Still my favorite thing is to think about the future. If you aren't satisfied with who you are in the present, the future dreaming is the favorite pasttime of you. And that's me. I think I'm too hard on myself, but as I wrote that sentence there my world became small and magnified--as if I caught some truth.
Why am I not happy with myself in the present? What can I do to change that?
Right now, I should be eating an orange, not smoking.
I should be listening to my favorite music
I should be opening windows to the world.
I should be writing.
I just realized I've close myself from myself. But why am I so scared to be who I am?
I'm letting myself die.
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I sometimes try to see it in a Jung-way. I think everyone fears for example his shadows, the mostly unkown parts of our ego. The ego fears to be flooded by anything that it doesn't really know; it fears to be deleted by this. Now we are identified with our ego and our masks: most of the people think that it's all that they are. But the process of individuation goes through facing and integration of all the other parts that belong to a being and that leads to a more and more unpersonal existence, to unity. And yes: there, the ego 'dies' somehow, but we are not our ego. That's one of our biggest illusions.
ReplyDeleteSo you are saying in essence that me feeling like I'm away from the things that make me "me" are more of the things that make my ego. So it's my ego fighting against becoming anything it's not comfortable with.
ReplyDeleteHmm. This is very interesting. But it goes back to what I was saying about the present, which is that which should be focused on, instead of trying to placate the ego. Good post Monsieur. I'd love to talk more about this.
yes right I think too that a first important step is to accept what I am right now, which is an aspect of trying to live in the present, just to be.
ReplyDeletethat's not easy for us, because our consciousness is dominated by the thinking which works always in duality: itself steady composes a future and a past (heidegger called this "zeitigen"); thats the projection of 'timing', and because of that I think that time doesn't exists whithout someone, and so doesn't space. they are projections that we do ourself, automatically. sorry for my english ;-)