Fuck

I forget wh.y I'm like this. Every day I had someone who loved me beyond anything, beyond love even. Every day he was there and all I had to do was reach out to him, not even, because he would reach out to me. Every day for 14 years, If I need him he was there. Every day that we spoke was like the fucking sun shining through some dense ass clouds, warming my skin no matter how much rain had fallen.

And now I don't have that and haven't had it in years. And there is no one who can ever give that to me. I don't believe it. I can't. Shit like that doesn't happen twice.

I forget that that's why I'm like this. Because the fucking universe took the one person in my life who made me feel real, who made me feel loved, beautiful, creative, amazing. The one person who really saw me.


There was the possibility of another at one time but that will never come to pass and can't. He chose his life.

So now I'm fucking alone and always will be and I'll never have that sun shining on me again like it did. My fucking heart and soul was torn out. I should have just driven into the trees that night like I almost did. Occupational hazard of soulmates is that one is no good without the other.