This is where

I have suicidal thoughts frequently. It's just a part of my thought process. I have a degree in Psychology and I know the line is that if you have suicidal thoughts it's not considered natural. I think that's a crock of bullshit.

Anyway, I won't act on them because I care about my family and it would ruin their lives, especially my mother, who is already a depressed person naturally.

I've been thinking though. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere. At the core of my being I'm scared all the time because I don't have a home. I have a temporary, physical home, and I have my mother's home, which also seems temporary because they don't own their house. 

It started when my parents divorced the same year my grandmother died and all my uncles decided to sell the house. We moved with my mother to another house, then another, then another, then another, then another. They owned the last another then lost it to forclosure. So we moved to another then another, they are there now. I moved next door.

I've never felt like anyplace was home and I experienced a few times what it's like to have to move in 24 hours. The result of all this is that as a 31 year old woman I never feel safe, and I never feel settled, and I never feel anything permanent. It's a bit scary.

I also don't feel like I belong with my family. I love them dearly, and when I'm with them I have a natural place and role. But when I'm away I'm alone and I don't feel like they are a stable group that I belong to. I also don't feel like I belong with my friends. I have one very good friend who I love..doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about her. But I can't be with her always and we both need to be alone and I don't feel like I belong with her either. She's looking for a mate and that's natural too.

I feel like a visitor in my life. I move forward because days move forward and that's the natural thing to do. I work because it's good for my mental state but it isn't a permanent state. I may go to grad school because it's the next thing in my life and I'm moving forward. But I don't think I'll belong there either.

I sometimes wonder if I will belong anywhere and I don't think I will. 

I may be wrong, though.

I'm thinking of joining the Peace Corps because if I don't want my life, which I don't anymore, then I may as well give it to someone. I recognize that I have talents that could benefit someone else and if not, I have hands that can build. Since I can't die (on purpose) then someone should benefit from my life.