i should have died when i had the chance.

And there weren’t enough trees that night

And there were

Then there weren’t

And when I was ready there was nothing to crash into

              Only sky

And some would say it was your gift to me

But I say you weren’t there and if you were you would have brought more trees.

a love poem

I wanted to write you a love poem

            But I spend too much time surviving. Surviving isn’t living she said.

And I wanted to tell you about the softness of her round face, pressed against the glass looking at nothing at something making sounds like coo and goo and ah and oh. And how I couldn’t quite make out her mouth through the silk and chiffon.

 (she could have been our baby oh)

I wanted to drive a hundred miles to see you read this love poem

But instead I was old, a visitor in my life

And I saw you with your wife, and your son and daughter and you were all in a fucking prius.

I was there, behind the cold metal bench pressed hard against my loss with a grin wide and leering at the l o v e.

Fuck

I forget wh.y I'm like this. Every day I had someone who loved me beyond anything, beyond love even. Every day he was there and all I had to do was reach out to him, not even, because he would reach out to me. Every day for 14 years, If I need him he was there. Every day that we spoke was like the fucking sun shining through some dense ass clouds, warming my skin no matter how much rain had fallen.

And now I don't have that and haven't had it in years. And there is no one who can ever give that to me. I don't believe it. I can't. Shit like that doesn't happen twice.

I forget that that's why I'm like this. Because the fucking universe took the one person in my life who made me feel real, who made me feel loved, beautiful, creative, amazing. The one person who really saw me.


There was the possibility of another at one time but that will never come to pass and can't. He chose his life.

So now I'm fucking alone and always will be and I'll never have that sun shining on me again like it did. My fucking heart and soul was torn out. I should have just driven into the trees that night like I almost did. Occupational hazard of soulmates is that one is no good without the other.

This is where

I have suicidal thoughts frequently. It's just a part of my thought process. I have a degree in Psychology and I know the line is that if you have suicidal thoughts it's not considered natural. I think that's a crock of bullshit.

Anyway, I won't act on them because I care about my family and it would ruin their lives, especially my mother, who is already a depressed person naturally.

I've been thinking though. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere. At the core of my being I'm scared all the time because I don't have a home. I have a temporary, physical home, and I have my mother's home, which also seems temporary because they don't own their house. 

It started when my parents divorced the same year my grandmother died and all my uncles decided to sell the house. We moved with my mother to another house, then another, then another, then another, then another. They owned the last another then lost it to forclosure. So we moved to another then another, they are there now. I moved next door.

I've never felt like anyplace was home and I experienced a few times what it's like to have to move in 24 hours. The result of all this is that as a 31 year old woman I never feel safe, and I never feel settled, and I never feel anything permanent. It's a bit scary.

I also don't feel like I belong with my family. I love them dearly, and when I'm with them I have a natural place and role. But when I'm away I'm alone and I don't feel like they are a stable group that I belong to. I also don't feel like I belong with my friends. I have one very good friend who I love..doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about her. But I can't be with her always and we both need to be alone and I don't feel like I belong with her either. She's looking for a mate and that's natural too.

I feel like a visitor in my life. I move forward because days move forward and that's the natural thing to do. I work because it's good for my mental state but it isn't a permanent state. I may go to grad school because it's the next thing in my life and I'm moving forward. But I don't think I'll belong there either.

I sometimes wonder if I will belong anywhere and I don't think I will. 

I may be wrong, though.

I'm thinking of joining the Peace Corps because if I don't want my life, which I don't anymore, then I may as well give it to someone. I recognize that I have talents that could benefit someone else and if not, I have hands that can build. Since I can't die (on purpose) then someone should benefit from my life. 

My message to humanity

My message  to humanity:

It’s the idea of separation that kills us,

As if someone who isn't exactly like you could be wrong, could be worse, could be less,

As if not being you is a crime in itself.

The blame makes us blind,

And I watch you point with poisoned fingers,

In any direction, even at your own heart,

pointing with fingers that were made to hold your neighbor’s hand,

blind to the hurt you are causing yourself most all.

(There is nothing you can do that is wrong, except hate another)

I wonder if I’m the only one who knows forgiveness,

Who knows love:

Who knows that strength comes from surrender;

Affection;

Forgiveness;

Have you forgotten?

God made you in love.

The only thing you have to do is love.    Just love.

Love when it’s the hardest to love.

Then you will know what it truly is to be free.

That isn't her name, did you know?

                                                           

I looked for you on S K Y P E

I was supposed to show you my apartment.

A long time ago, remember when there was a promise

Of you and I, naked, in the sea. “I swim every morning and night,” you said.

The thought of you, in the sea, morning and night, felt like freedom.

And yet I knew

If I waited long enough

There would be no you, no I, no sea:

So when I saw her name, and your name,

Her and your name(s)

Listed next to each other

“probably not active” they said

What they meant was “probably not active” with me--

 “completely active” with each other--

I looked for you on S K Y P E

But you were not there

You were locked in limbs and breasts and lips

Pixels that look just like you

And I only was thankful

That touch cannot reach through a screen.

Well, I've decided to leave.

Fuck this shit, mostly.

Applying to West Georgia University for my grad degree. They have this awesome specialty in transpersonal and humanistic psychology. Gonna rock it.

Bought a car; a volkswagen cabrio convertible. Working on some stories. Making friends, making old friends come alive. It's not hard when you stop caring.